Wednesday, June 17, 2009

High-Five and a Bitch-Slap!

Time again to award something that's awesome, and shame something that sucks!

When the Egyptian food scientists build the Food Pyramid, they made a huge mistake and accidentally left off the best food group in the entire universe. Cotton Candy.

The ingredients....sugar, pink color, and air. The perfect food. Cotton Candy looks and tastes like it was handpicked out of a magical wizard's beard by giggling cloud fairies... and then put into a plastic bag by a carny, who most likely hasn't washed their hands in a month. (That's what gives cotton candy that gritty texture.) But whenever a food can also double as the name of an exotic dancer, you know it's good. (ex. Cherry, Ginger, Brandi etc.)

I was in the 2nd grade and I had to give a presentation about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Other kids said the usual...spaceman, lawyer, artist, drug answer: Cotton Candy machine operator. It has to be the easiest/greatest job in the world. Let me illustrate the stress-free lifestyle of the CC machine operator.

1. You take a rolled up piece of paper

2.wave it inside this metal dealy...

3. VOILA!... cotton candy!

4. Collect Paycheck.

And everyone loves cotton candy. EVERYONE.
Even Academy Award Winning actor/Shawshank inmate, Morgan Freeman.

And if it's good enough for Morgan, it's good enough for me.
So, Congratulations Cotton Candy! You get a sticky-fingered HIGH FIVE!

Some nay-sayers claim eating cotton candy is bad for you. And I call these liars 'dentists'. Which brings me to the 2nd half of my post.

Put on this paper thin bib with these little clips, sit back in the uncomfortable chair and open real wide as I warm the back of my hand for the pain I'm about to unleash on the devil's work that some call......DENTISTRY!

Here's a true conversation I had with my dentist recently during an appointment.....

Dentist: See here?
(dentist was showing me my x-rays)
Me: You mean that blurry spot?
Dentist: yes. that's a cavity. it's tiny.
Me: But I brush and everything...
Dentist: yeah well....this cavity is inside your tooth, under your filling, so we'll have ta-
Me: Wait...WHAT? UNDER the filling? I have a cavity in a tooth that already has a filling in it?
Dentist: yup. So we'll have to drill out the old filling, then drill out the cavity, fill the cavity, then fill where the old filling was.
Me: Doc let me ask you something.
Dentist: go ahead.
Me: Let's say I'm an architect, I build expensive hotels for a living. I build a nice hotel for you, costs a lot of money. Then six months later, I come back to clean your nice hotel, and I say "looks like I didn't use the right kind of nails in the foundation of the hotel, so I'm gonna have to tear down the hotel to the foundation and rebuild it...and oh yeah, you're gonna have to pay me again to rebuild the hotel." I'd be a bad architect right?
Dentist: Right.
Me: I would deserve to be fired and never work again.
Dentist: Right.
Me: Good, I'm glad we both agree that you suck, and your medical degrees are worthless.

Back in the Wild West whenever someone had a toothache, they would run over to the barber/undertaker/dentist shack. The dentist would pull out a pair of rusty, horseshoein' pliers, and he'd get a couple of deputies to hold down the cowboy while he yanked out the tooth. And in 100 years, nothing has changed. Sure, it's evolved a little. There's a tube that can suck out your saliva...ooohhh big whoop....and I know some will say "well what about novocaine?" Well, what about it? I don't have faith in a painkiller when my dentist asks me to "let him know when it wears off"! It wears off? Well then, it doesn't f&@#%$ work! SHAME on you dentistry! And sending me a postcard on my birthday reminding me to "keep my winning smile on my big day" won't get you anywhere! Your going to need to make an appointment to spit and rinse after this--


Bill Robinson said...

HAhaha, this post is amazing. My dad is a dentist and you know, even I have had the temptation to do some bitch slapping.

Josh Cooley said...

Follow your heart, Bill.

By using the back of your hand.

(I'm not telling you to slap your dad, but I'm not telling you NOT to.)

Erik Benson said...

I am pretty sure if I ate nothing but cotton candy I would have the strength of a thousand men and my brain would be able to solve most of the worlds problems. The only reason I don't do this is because I would need to eat thirty five quilts worth of it to feel full.

roque said...

This is sooo good.

Nat Loh said...

how funny, I was making cotton candy the other day. really i was.

Alex Chechik said...

I always come to this blog when I need to make the sad go away.

LHOOQtius ov Borg said...

After reading this, I tried making some cotton candy.

It turns out that "all cotton" briefs aren't really a good source of vitamin cotton candy, even if they're pink and you slice them up really thin and stuff.

Also, it's best to take them off before doing this.

Shelby said...

The only thing better than cotton candy is cotton candy made with maple sugar. Pink may be pretty, but light tan is much more delicious.