Monday, April 6, 2009

Interview with Minka Kelly (and Me)

Minka Kelly (pictured above) with Me (not pictured)

I had some time to kill this weekend so I caught up on my magazine reading. I don't subscribe to magazines, that's for suckers. I like to drive to random dentists' offices, sit in their waiting rooms pretending to be a patient, and just read old magazine articles all day long. (Can you believe Jennifer Ansiton and Brad Pitt are breaking up? Who knew even celebrities have problems?)

I smoothly drifted into a real fancy dentist's office in the mall on Saturday that had recent, month old magazines. Jackpot! I kicked my shoes off, loosened my belt, opened my backpack full of tasty beverages, cracked open a Boones Farm Strawberry Hill, and started at page one of the most recent HEALTH magazine. I was in Heaven.

Before mall security could "escort me from the premises" (aka drag me kicking and screaming by pulling on my legs and jacket) through the use of "non-lethal force" (aka pepper spray and the sleeper hold) I read an amazing article/interview with my new pretend girlfriend, Minka Kelly.

more Minka Kelly (above) and Me (way below)

I've had lots of wife-sanctioned, "pretend girlfriends" in the past. Natalie Portman, Pamela Anderson (Not the Lee one), Monica Bellucci, Kelly Kapowski, every 20 year old female from Brazil, etc. But Minka Kelly is different because she is defintely the most recent.
I guess she's on some show, where she acts and stuff but who cares. She has a dog named Chewbacca and no lazy eye so she's a 10 in my book.
The interview with her was ground-breaking. Apparantly when she's not busy acting, she likes to workout, and eat healthy. Fascinating. And can you believe she has a sweet tooth? Wow. It's a compelling read.

I learned so much about Minka Kelly that I figured it would only be fair to reciprocate MY answers to the same questions HEALTH magazine asked her, back to her. And since I'm sure that she will eventually read my blog since she'll one day google herself (Minka Kelly) and come across my blog as having the most Minka Kelly hits, because I've typed her name, Minka Kelly, so many times, Minka Kelly, perhaps she (Minka Kelly) will see MY interview and want ME as her pretend boyfriend.....or at the very least, serve me with a pretend restraining order. So this is for you Minka Kelly, I think you'll like what you read.

And still yet more smiling Minka Kelly (on left) and Me (on far right)

HEALTH Magazine- What aspects of your health are you fanatical about?
COOLEY- I drink plenty of water. Doctors say your supposed to drink 8 glasses a day. I down 48 glasses a day, so I can live six times longer than the regular human life span. That means if I was supposed to die at 80, I will live until I am 480 years old. I'm like one of them tortoises....a thirsty, sexy tortoise.

HEALTH- You've been described as "simultaneously curvy and toned." Do you try for that?
COOLEY- Wow, is it getting hot in here? (laughs) or is it just me? (laughs for an awkward amount of time) Seriously though, I believe it was Yoda, the jedi master who said "There is no try, only do." I live everyday of my life by the words of that puppet.

HEALTH- What's your workout regimen?
COOLEY- I like to drive to the gym, take a half hour to change into my gym clothes (cutoff jeans and a muscle tee that reads "if you can read this, the bitch fell off!"), pretend to stretch (very important) while watching the TV mounted to the ceiling, sit down to do bench presses, maybe do 4 or 5 then take a break and watch more TV, then when someone walks by I breathe heavily and mime the action of wiping sweat from my brow. This cycle continues until Oprah is over.

HEALTH- What's your eating vice?
COOLEY- I like to eat foods that are too big to put in my mouth in one bite. I approach that as a challenge and a personal attack on the size of my mouth. If I see a stack of pancakes, I will roll them into a syrupy dough-ball filled with the side of bacon and cram it sideways into my gaping facehole until I cannot breathe. I believe you can't fully enjoy a meal unless it's almost preventing you from staying alive.

HEALTH- Any secret-weapon foods?
COOLEY- Nunchucks....coverered in frosting.

HEALTH- You were once a model.
COOLEY- (long pause) First off, that's not a question. Bad question asking there. You don't speak good. Secondly, I am still a model...citizen. I don't litter. Thirdly, I went to a special school to get a career in modeling, or just look like one. I choose to just look like one.

HEALTH- So, we have to ask, are you single? There have been photos of you with a certain baseball player...[Derek Jeter]...
COOLEY- (does a comical spit take with a mouthful of Iced Tea) WHAT!?? Derek Jeter?! Where are these photos!? Show me the *#$@&! photos NOW! (pulls a knife from out of his sock, threatening the interviewer)

HEALTH- How do you stay happy?
COOLEY- I get this question a lot. Why wouldn't I be happy? I'm a model, I'm simultaneously curvy and toned, I have a sock knife, I may potentially be dating Derek Jeter, and I will outlive everyone on the planet right now. And when all that doesn't make me happy, I make up fake HEALTH magazine articles and post them on the internet.

Minka, I'll be expecting your pretend phone call.

Last picture of Minka Kelly (above) and Me (in own dream world)


craig said...

damn funny.

Bill Robinson said...

This made me laugh out loud multiple timnes.

Daniel C. said...

I got nervous when the sock knife came out.

Unknown said...

Wow This was HILARIOUS!!

I found your blog from a link on James Robertson's blog!

Andrew Price said...

Hahaha! I did not expect this. I came to your blog because you work for Pixar, and I find this little treasure? You should work for Cracked!

Seriously, I laughed out loud the whole way through. Love your style of humour. Keep up the good work!

Zach Franzen said...

Soooo funny. I like your blog. I'm still laughing about that Derek Jeter response.

Anthony Francisco said...

Found your link from Bill Presings blog and I am glad I clicked on it.

this post was sooo funny
laughs for an awkward amount of time

I found myself laughing all the way through

thank you sir for making my day! :P

kory said...

Well, I was Googleing Minka Kelly and found your blog.
I too am pretend dating her and was getting a little suspicious when she no longer wanted to pretend cuddle. Now I know it's because she is pretend cheating on me. I understand that she is movie star and all and this would eventually happen, but the thing that hurts the most is that she had to pretend do it with someone from the Story Department.

Mazz said...