This post was written before a live, studio audience.

Seriously. I'm trying something a little different this time. I redesigned my living room to look like a sound stage, and filled it with a random 150 lucky studio audience members who are sitting here right now watching me type this. (There's video prove that I'm not lying below, just wait) Why are they so lucky? Well... everyone in the audience AND everyone on the internet reading this blog post will receive....

MY FAVORITE THINGS!!!



Alright, settle down, settle down... y'all is excited, ain't you! Well, you should be. I don't like to brag about how good a person I am, but if you ask anyone about me (besides the people that hate me) they would say that I'm a giver...an extremely generous, sexy giver. And it's true. I give so much, that I make nuns envious...which is a sin. That's how good of a person I am. But I can't help it.
If 'giving' is a disease, than I've got 2-3 months left to live, and you ALL are in my will.
So let's do it. You are each going to receive my favorite things that I can't live without. First up...take a look at this.... A white, polycarbonate plastic SPORK!




I know what you're thinking..."how can I afford to give away so many sporks?" Well, I use to spend a lot of time eating at Taco Bell, eating in prison mess halls, and eating Hungry-Man dinners at home...alone. And I've collected them from all of my meals...for you. So throw out all your useless metal forks and spoons, and enjoy a taste of soup and a bite of lasagna from the same utensil!

So here's a question for y'all....who wants some OXYGEN!!!!!!





Now I have been inhaling oxygen since I was a baby, and believe me when I say...this is some good stuff, right here. I love it. And you are ALL going home with a mason jar full of only the finest. A perfect gift for the person who has everything.

Next, everyone reach under your seats where there is a pair of glasses for you to put on so you can enjoy....some 3D BARBECUE CHICKEN!!





Everyone loves barbecue chicken and now you can FINALLY enjoy it in 3 dimensions! This state-of-the-art entree dinner by Sony can be enjoyed by the entire family, because 3D makes EVERYTHING better. And of course, every 3D Barbecue chicken comes with a 3D side of CORN!!!





And for my final favorite thing, y'all know how much I love people, right? I got a small person living at my house that I made and it's just so awesome to get to name something. So everyone today is going home...with A HUMAN CHILD!!!





You are welcome.

The Inception

Did you see 'The Inception'? I did. Like 8 times. Not by choice, I was accidentally locked in a movie theater after I ran inside to evade these bully middle school kids that chase me home everyday after work. But that's a whole different story.
The real question is : Did you know The Inception is real?
Now, I'm a sane person. I've never been institutionalized. I've never been on any type of medication. So it's safe to believe me and accept it as fact when I say that major corporations have been trying to infiltrate my dreams and steal my thoughts/secrets for years. Which major corporations you ask? Ever hear of Morgan Stanley? Colgate? McGraw-Hill? Revlon? National Football League? Phillip Morris International? J-Crew? to name a few. I am on constant alert 34 hours a day/ 19 days a week for dream thieves hired by corporations trying to crack my cerebral brain parts. How do I prevent this from happening?

Just like in the Inception, I have a totem. Every morning when I wake up, I reach under my pillow and grab my totem: a .44 Magnum handgun. I fire it 6 times into the ceiling. The above neighbors don't like it and my wife prefers the alarm clock for waking, but if broken plaster falls in my face I know it's real. But if I fire my gun and bubbles or a rainbow shoots out, I know I'm still dreaming and the Weight Watchers corporation may be trying to steal my secret recipe for Mac and Cheese. (the secret is using Mountain Dew instead of Milk)


But the other day I fell asleep while watching The Inception on a plane. Bad idea, of course, because for some reason "The Man" won't let me bring my totem onto a commercial flight. What is this?! Russia?!!
Here's what happened:

I fell asleep watching The Inception.



I dreamt I was watching 'El Encepcion' (the spanish language version), and then fell asleep again...in my dream. A dream within a dream.




In my second dream level, I was in a cage-match fight to the death with Bob's Big Boy.



He body slammed me which knocked me into dream level 3, where I was forced to go to my high school prom again, with a Victoria's Secret model who had the head of ALF.



The possibility of maybe getting some action at my prom (FINALLY!), made me light headed and I passed out, knocking my head on the gym floor, which brought me down into my version of LIMBO...where I've been spending the last 50 years in my mind, back at my worst job ever. Behind the counter at a video rental store, renting soft-core porn to creepy dads.



So if you see a guy with a goatee asleep on a plane, it's probably me. Please hit me very hard in the face with all your might. That should be a strong enough kick to bring me out of limbo, back up through the dream levels and back to reality. After I awaken, I may act a little startled, but all you have to say is "I brought you back" and I'll understand. I will give you a big hug and a monetary reward.

What, Me Cooley?

Being a huge MAD magazine fan my entire life, I was excited to meet Tom Richmond, MAD artist extraordinaire/super nice guy. Tom drew this caricature of me, which is now one of my favorite art pieces that I own.

Time to throw out these old Al Hirschfeld drawings....no wait, they're recyclable.

Check out Tom's awesome blog, chock full of hilarious-ness. It's blog-tastic!

http://www.tomrichmond.com/blog/

You Damn, Dirty...

APE! (The Alternative Press Expo!)



I'll be there this weekend sharing table 330 with my good friends, Scott Morse and Bill Presing, and with my mortal enemies Jim Capobianco, Jennifer Chang, Daniela Strijleva, Katy Wu, and Jeff Pidgeon.

I'll have copies of MOVIES R FUN and the 54 Intercontinental Cuties playing cards available, a small selection of prints, a selection of stolen car parts, illegal exotic pets, and a cure-all miracle tonic to heal what ails you.

Cash only please, unfortunately I can no longer accept kisses as payments. Let's just say there was an "incident".

Bad Movie Idea of the day

Was sitting at lunch the other day with friends playing a common game among story artists... thinking up "bad movie ideas that you could actually see getting made". This concept is so high (drug reference pun intended), it needed to have a poster made for it. And don't ask why Clint Eastwood is in the movie...he just is, it was a bad career choice.

Sold out.

(I took this picture at Target. Which just strengthens my argument that all you need is a red shirt to work there.)


UPDATE:

I received a phone call from Frederick T. Target, the CEO of Target, informing me that the pretzels in the display case are in fact, fake plastic pretzels. I asked what would happen if I ate one. He said I would throw up fake plastic vomit. Makes sense.

54 Intercontinental Cuties in store now!

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is your captain speaking...
We here at cooleycooley.com airlines want to thank you for your patience. We left you sitting on the tarmac for a bit while final inspections were being made, but now we have been cleared for takeoff. Once airborne, our lovely stewardesses will advance down the aisle offering you a beverage and a deck of 54 Intercontinental Cuties playing cards. These cards, created by 2 artists who are fans of the female form, are offered at $25 and will definitely keep you occupied while flying with us. And YES, that means internationally too.

One of the female air traffic controllers in the tower just flashed me, which means we are cleared for departure. So sit back, relax, and crack open a new deck of cards. And from all of us at cooleycooley.com airlines..."Thank you for flying with us."
Destination: SEXY TIME!

Cards available HERE!
www.cooley.bigcartel.com