I can't stop. I think this is my favorite yet.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Inappropriate Golden Books...are back.
Working on a new set of these. I'm shooting to have the book done by November for APE.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The Hoverboard Rumor
Some of you may have heard of this before, and if you have, please chime in. Thanks to the internet, I was able to do some research and realize I am not the only gullible nerd on this planet.
The year : 1989.
The location : Television.
A young, innocent me was lying on the carpeted floor of my parents' living room, eyes glued to the miracle box that makes the pictures move. I was watching the first "making-of" program I'd ever seen, and it was about the movie magic being created for the upcoming Back to the Future sequel. I was blown away with excitement for the movie because I was (still am) a HUGE fan of the original, and the trailer looked amazing. Then the bomb was dropped.
Director Robert Zemeckis (on left) with Award winning actor, Roger Rabbit
The director, the guy who made the Original, who wrote the script, Robert Zemeckis, said the hoverboard sequence was fun to shoot because it was..... REAL.
I had to change my Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls when I heard that. "By the power of Grayskull...did he say what I thought he just said?" Then they showed shots from the movie of Marty McFly hovering around on a skateboard with no wheels...looking AWESOME!!!
I was 10 at the time and my brain had 2 thoughts. 1.Candy and 2.How can I be awesome. I needed a Hoverboard and I needed it NOW!
I ran into the other room and screamed at my parents.
Me: I want a hoverboard! I want a hoverboard!
My Dad (still reading his car magazine): Put it on your Christmas list.
And I did. It was number 2 on the list behind 1. Candy. I'm serious.
It wasn't until after Christmas, after months of doing nothing but wishing for a Hoverboard, that my Dad sat me down and gently explained that Hoverboards aren't real. "But I saw the guy on TV...he said...he said it was real! It had MATTEL printed on the bottom!" My Dad spent more time on this talk about Hoverboards not being real than he did telling me about the birds and the bees. Which I still have questions about.
Anyway, Fast forward back to the Future to a few days ago. I FOUND THE INTERVIEW. Thank you, World Wide Waste of time, now this can finally be put to rest in my head. And it turns out I'm not the only one who believed it. Lots of kids were sucker-punched with this bold face lie from Director Robert Zemeckis. But I don't hold it against him. If I were in the position to lie to a world of kids/fans and make them believe something stupid and feel like an ass about it later...I 'd probably do the same thing.
Enjoy suckers!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
High-Five and a Bitch-Slap!
Time again to award something that's awesome, and shame something that sucks!
When the Egyptian food scientists build the Food Pyramid, they made a huge mistake and accidentally left off the best food group in the entire universe. Cotton Candy.
The ingredients....sugar, pink color, and air. The perfect food. Cotton Candy looks and tastes like it was handpicked out of a magical wizard's beard by giggling cloud fairies... and then put into a plastic bag by a carny, who most likely hasn't washed their hands in a month. (That's what gives cotton candy that gritty texture.) But whenever a food can also double as the name of an exotic dancer, you know it's good. (ex. Cherry, Ginger, Brandi etc.)
I was in the 2nd grade and I had to give a presentation about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Other kids said the usual...spaceman, lawyer, artist, drug mule.....my answer: Cotton Candy machine operator. It has to be the easiest/greatest job in the world. Let me illustrate the stress-free lifestyle of the CC machine operator.
1. You take a rolled up piece of paper
2.wave it inside this metal dealy...
3. VOILA!... cotton candy!
4. Collect Paycheck.
And everyone loves cotton candy. EVERYONE.
Even Academy Award Winning actor/Shawshank inmate, Morgan Freeman.
And if it's good enough for Morgan, it's good enough for me.
So, Congratulations Cotton Candy! You get a sticky-fingered HIGH FIVE!
Some nay-sayers claim eating cotton candy is bad for you. And I call these liars 'dentists'. Which brings me to the 2nd half of my post.
Put on this paper thin bib with these little clips, sit back in the uncomfortable chair and open real wide as I warm the back of my hand for the pain I'm about to unleash on the devil's work that some call......DENTISTRY!
Here's a true conversation I had with my dentist recently during an appointment.....
Dentist: See here?
(dentist was showing me my x-rays)
Me: You mean that blurry spot?
Dentist: yes. that's a cavity. it's tiny.
Me: But I brush and everything...
Dentist: yeah well....this cavity is inside your tooth, under your filling, so we'll have ta-
Me: Wait...WHAT? UNDER the filling? I have a cavity in a tooth that already has a filling in it?
Dentist: yup. So we'll have to drill out the old filling, then drill out the cavity, fill the cavity, then fill where the old filling was.
Me: Doc let me ask you something.
Dentist: go ahead.
Me: Let's say I'm an architect, I build expensive hotels for a living. I build a nice hotel for you, costs a lot of money. Then six months later, I come back to clean your nice hotel, and I say "looks like I didn't use the right kind of nails in the foundation of the hotel, so I'm gonna have to tear down the hotel to the foundation and rebuild it...and oh yeah, you're gonna have to pay me again to rebuild the hotel." I'd be a bad architect right?
Dentist: Right.
Me: I would deserve to be fired and never work again.
Dentist: Right.
Me: Good, I'm glad we both agree that you suck, and your medical degrees are worthless.
Back in the Wild West whenever someone had a toothache, they would run over to the barber/undertaker/dentist shack. The dentist would pull out a pair of rusty, horseshoein' pliers, and he'd get a couple of deputies to hold down the cowboy while he yanked out the tooth. And in 100 years, nothing has changed. Sure, it's evolved a little. There's a tube that can suck out your saliva...ooohhh big whoop....and I know some will say "well what about novocaine?" Well, what about it? I don't have faith in a painkiller when my dentist asks me to "let him know when it wears off"! It wears off? Well then, it doesn't f&@#%$ work! SHAME on you dentistry! And sending me a postcard on my birthday reminding me to "keep my winning smile on my big day" won't get you anywhere! Your going to need to make an appointment to spit and rinse after this--
When the Egyptian food scientists build the Food Pyramid, they made a huge mistake and accidentally left off the best food group in the entire universe. Cotton Candy.
The ingredients....sugar, pink color, and air. The perfect food. Cotton Candy looks and tastes like it was handpicked out of a magical wizard's beard by giggling cloud fairies... and then put into a plastic bag by a carny, who most likely hasn't washed their hands in a month. (That's what gives cotton candy that gritty texture.) But whenever a food can also double as the name of an exotic dancer, you know it's good. (ex. Cherry, Ginger, Brandi etc.)
I was in the 2nd grade and I had to give a presentation about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Other kids said the usual...spaceman, lawyer, artist, drug mule.....my answer: Cotton Candy machine operator. It has to be the easiest/greatest job in the world. Let me illustrate the stress-free lifestyle of the CC machine operator.
1. You take a rolled up piece of paper
2.wave it inside this metal dealy...
3. VOILA!... cotton candy!
4. Collect Paycheck.
And everyone loves cotton candy. EVERYONE.
Even Academy Award Winning actor/Shawshank inmate, Morgan Freeman.
And if it's good enough for Morgan, it's good enough for me.
So, Congratulations Cotton Candy! You get a sticky-fingered HIGH FIVE!
Some nay-sayers claim eating cotton candy is bad for you. And I call these liars 'dentists'. Which brings me to the 2nd half of my post.
Put on this paper thin bib with these little clips, sit back in the uncomfortable chair and open real wide as I warm the back of my hand for the pain I'm about to unleash on the devil's work that some call......DENTISTRY!
Here's a true conversation I had with my dentist recently during an appointment.....
Dentist: See here?
(dentist was showing me my x-rays)
Me: You mean that blurry spot?
Dentist: yes. that's a cavity. it's tiny.
Me: But I brush and everything...
Dentist: yeah well....this cavity is inside your tooth, under your filling, so we'll have ta-
Me: Wait...WHAT? UNDER the filling? I have a cavity in a tooth that already has a filling in it?
Dentist: yup. So we'll have to drill out the old filling, then drill out the cavity, fill the cavity, then fill where the old filling was.
Me: Doc let me ask you something.
Dentist: go ahead.
Me: Let's say I'm an architect, I build expensive hotels for a living. I build a nice hotel for you, costs a lot of money. Then six months later, I come back to clean your nice hotel, and I say "looks like I didn't use the right kind of nails in the foundation of the hotel, so I'm gonna have to tear down the hotel to the foundation and rebuild it...and oh yeah, you're gonna have to pay me again to rebuild the hotel." I'd be a bad architect right?
Dentist: Right.
Me: I would deserve to be fired and never work again.
Dentist: Right.
Me: Good, I'm glad we both agree that you suck, and your medical degrees are worthless.
Back in the Wild West whenever someone had a toothache, they would run over to the barber/undertaker/dentist shack. The dentist would pull out a pair of rusty, horseshoein' pliers, and he'd get a couple of deputies to hold down the cowboy while he yanked out the tooth. And in 100 years, nothing has changed. Sure, it's evolved a little. There's a tube that can suck out your saliva...ooohhh big whoop....and I know some will say "well what about novocaine?" Well, what about it? I don't have faith in a painkiller when my dentist asks me to "let him know when it wears off"! It wears off? Well then, it doesn't f&@#%$ work! SHAME on you dentistry! And sending me a postcard on my birthday reminding me to "keep my winning smile on my big day" won't get you anywhere! Your going to need to make an appointment to spit and rinse after this--
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
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