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Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
High-Five and a Bitch-Slap!
Time again to award something that's awesome, and shame something that sucks!
When the Egyptian food scientists build the Food Pyramid, they made a huge mistake and accidentally left off the best food group in the entire universe. Cotton Candy.
The ingredients....sugar, pink color, and air. The perfect food. Cotton Candy looks and tastes like it was handpicked out of a magical wizard's beard by giggling cloud fairies... and then put into a plastic bag by a carny, who most likely hasn't washed their hands in a month. (That's what gives cotton candy that gritty texture.) But whenever a food can also double as the name of an exotic dancer, you know it's good. (ex. Cherry, Ginger, Brandi etc.)
I was in the 2nd grade and I had to give a presentation about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Other kids said the usual...spaceman, lawyer, artist, drug mule.....my answer: Cotton Candy machine operator. It has to be the easiest/greatest job in the world. Let me illustrate the stress-free lifestyle of the CC machine operator.
1. You take a rolled up piece of paper
2.wave it inside this metal dealy...
3. VOILA!... cotton candy!
4. Collect Paycheck.
And everyone loves cotton candy. EVERYONE.
Even Academy Award Winning actor/Shawshank inmate, Morgan Freeman.
And if it's good enough for Morgan, it's good enough for me.
So, Congratulations Cotton Candy! You get a sticky-fingered HIGH FIVE!
Some nay-sayers claim eating cotton candy is bad for you. And I call these liars 'dentists'. Which brings me to the 2nd half of my post.
Put on this paper thin bib with these little clips, sit back in the uncomfortable chair and open real wide as I warm the back of my hand for the pain I'm about to unleash on the devil's work that some call......DENTISTRY!
Here's a true conversation I had with my dentist recently during an appointment.....
Dentist: See here?
(dentist was showing me my x-rays)
Me: You mean that blurry spot?
Dentist: yes. that's a cavity. it's tiny.
Me: But I brush and everything...
Dentist: yeah well....this cavity is inside your tooth, under your filling, so we'll have ta-
Me: Wait...WHAT? UNDER the filling? I have a cavity in a tooth that already has a filling in it?
Dentist: yup. So we'll have to drill out the old filling, then drill out the cavity, fill the cavity, then fill where the old filling was.
Me: Doc let me ask you something.
Dentist: go ahead.
Me: Let's say I'm an architect, I build expensive hotels for a living. I build a nice hotel for you, costs a lot of money. Then six months later, I come back to clean your nice hotel, and I say "looks like I didn't use the right kind of nails in the foundation of the hotel, so I'm gonna have to tear down the hotel to the foundation and rebuild it...and oh yeah, you're gonna have to pay me again to rebuild the hotel." I'd be a bad architect right?
Dentist: Right.
Me: I would deserve to be fired and never work again.
Dentist: Right.
Me: Good, I'm glad we both agree that you suck, and your medical degrees are worthless.
Back in the Wild West whenever someone had a toothache, they would run over to the barber/undertaker/dentist shack. The dentist would pull out a pair of rusty, horseshoein' pliers, and he'd get a couple of deputies to hold down the cowboy while he yanked out the tooth. And in 100 years, nothing has changed. Sure, it's evolved a little. There's a tube that can suck out your saliva...ooohhh big whoop....and I know some will say "well what about novocaine?" Well, what about it? I don't have faith in a painkiller when my dentist asks me to "let him know when it wears off"! It wears off? Well then, it doesn't f&@#%$ work! SHAME on you dentistry! And sending me a postcard on my birthday reminding me to "keep my winning smile on my big day" won't get you anywhere! Your going to need to make an appointment to spit and rinse after this--
When the Egyptian food scientists build the Food Pyramid, they made a huge mistake and accidentally left off the best food group in the entire universe. Cotton Candy.
The ingredients....sugar, pink color, and air. The perfect food. Cotton Candy looks and tastes like it was handpicked out of a magical wizard's beard by giggling cloud fairies... and then put into a plastic bag by a carny, who most likely hasn't washed their hands in a month. (That's what gives cotton candy that gritty texture.) But whenever a food can also double as the name of an exotic dancer, you know it's good. (ex. Cherry, Ginger, Brandi etc.)
I was in the 2nd grade and I had to give a presentation about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Other kids said the usual...spaceman, lawyer, artist, drug mule.....my answer: Cotton Candy machine operator. It has to be the easiest/greatest job in the world. Let me illustrate the stress-free lifestyle of the CC machine operator.
1. You take a rolled up piece of paper
2.wave it inside this metal dealy...
3. VOILA!... cotton candy!
4. Collect Paycheck.
And everyone loves cotton candy. EVERYONE.
Even Academy Award Winning actor/Shawshank inmate, Morgan Freeman.
And if it's good enough for Morgan, it's good enough for me.
So, Congratulations Cotton Candy! You get a sticky-fingered HIGH FIVE!
Some nay-sayers claim eating cotton candy is bad for you. And I call these liars 'dentists'. Which brings me to the 2nd half of my post.
Put on this paper thin bib with these little clips, sit back in the uncomfortable chair and open real wide as I warm the back of my hand for the pain I'm about to unleash on the devil's work that some call......DENTISTRY!
Here's a true conversation I had with my dentist recently during an appointment.....
Dentist: See here?
(dentist was showing me my x-rays)
Me: You mean that blurry spot?
Dentist: yes. that's a cavity. it's tiny.
Me: But I brush and everything...
Dentist: yeah well....this cavity is inside your tooth, under your filling, so we'll have ta-
Me: Wait...WHAT? UNDER the filling? I have a cavity in a tooth that already has a filling in it?
Dentist: yup. So we'll have to drill out the old filling, then drill out the cavity, fill the cavity, then fill where the old filling was.
Me: Doc let me ask you something.
Dentist: go ahead.
Me: Let's say I'm an architect, I build expensive hotels for a living. I build a nice hotel for you, costs a lot of money. Then six months later, I come back to clean your nice hotel, and I say "looks like I didn't use the right kind of nails in the foundation of the hotel, so I'm gonna have to tear down the hotel to the foundation and rebuild it...and oh yeah, you're gonna have to pay me again to rebuild the hotel." I'd be a bad architect right?
Dentist: Right.
Me: I would deserve to be fired and never work again.
Dentist: Right.
Me: Good, I'm glad we both agree that you suck, and your medical degrees are worthless.
Back in the Wild West whenever someone had a toothache, they would run over to the barber/undertaker/dentist shack. The dentist would pull out a pair of rusty, horseshoein' pliers, and he'd get a couple of deputies to hold down the cowboy while he yanked out the tooth. And in 100 years, nothing has changed. Sure, it's evolved a little. There's a tube that can suck out your saliva...ooohhh big whoop....and I know some will say "well what about novocaine?" Well, what about it? I don't have faith in a painkiller when my dentist asks me to "let him know when it wears off"! It wears off? Well then, it doesn't f&@#%$ work! SHAME on you dentistry! And sending me a postcard on my birthday reminding me to "keep my winning smile on my big day" won't get you anywhere! Your going to need to make an appointment to spit and rinse after this--
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The Loneliest Unicorn
I finally finished my AfterWorks 3 comic! Here's the first half of the story, the rest will be published in AfterWorks 3. Sorry i don't have an answer yet as to when it'll be available, but it's going to be "punch your Mom in the face" awesome.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Interview with Minka Kelly (and Me)
Minka Kelly (pictured above) with Me (not pictured)
I had some time to kill this weekend so I caught up on my magazine reading. I don't subscribe to magazines, that's for suckers. I like to drive to random dentists' offices, sit in their waiting rooms pretending to be a patient, and just read old magazine articles all day long. (Can you believe Jennifer Ansiton and Brad Pitt are breaking up? Who knew even celebrities have problems?)
I smoothly drifted into a real fancy dentist's office in the mall on Saturday that had recent, month old magazines. Jackpot! I kicked my shoes off, loosened my belt, opened my backpack full of tasty beverages, cracked open a Boones Farm Strawberry Hill, and started at page one of the most recent HEALTH magazine. I was in Heaven.
Before mall security could "escort me from the premises" (aka drag me kicking and screaming by pulling on my legs and jacket) through the use of "non-lethal force" (aka pepper spray and the sleeper hold) I read an amazing article/interview with my new pretend girlfriend, Minka Kelly.
more Minka Kelly (above) and Me (way below)
I guess she's on some show, where she acts and stuff but who cares. She has a dog named Chewbacca and no lazy eye so she's a 10 in my book.
The interview with her was ground-breaking. Apparantly when she's not busy acting, she likes to workout, and eat healthy. Fascinating. And can you believe she has a sweet tooth? Wow. It's a compelling read.
I learned so much about Minka Kelly that I figured it would only be fair to reciprocate MY answers to the same questions HEALTH magazine asked her, back to her. And since I'm sure that she will eventually read my blog since she'll one day google herself (Minka Kelly) and come across my blog as having the most Minka Kelly hits, because I've typed her name, Minka Kelly, so many times, Minka Kelly, perhaps she (Minka Kelly) will see MY interview and want ME as her pretend boyfriend.....or at the very least, serve me with a pretend restraining order. So this is for you Minka Kelly, I think you'll like what you read.
And still yet more smiling Minka Kelly (on left) and Me (on far right)
HEALTH Magazine- What aspects of your health are you fanatical about?
COOLEY- I drink plenty of water. Doctors say your supposed to drink 8 glasses a day. I down 48 glasses a day, so I can live six times longer than the regular human life span. That means if I was supposed to die at 80, I will live until I am 480 years old. I'm like one of them tortoises....a thirsty, sexy tortoise.
HEALTH- You've been described as "simultaneously curvy and toned." Do you try for that?
COOLEY- Wow, is it getting hot in here? (laughs) or is it just me? (laughs for an awkward amount of time) Seriously though, I believe it was Yoda, the jedi master who said "There is no try, only do." I live everyday of my life by the words of that puppet.
HEALTH- What's your workout regimen?
COOLEY- I like to drive to the gym, take a half hour to change into my gym clothes (cutoff jeans and a muscle tee that reads "if you can read this, the bitch fell off!"), pretend to stretch (very important) while watching the TV mounted to the ceiling, sit down to do bench presses, maybe do 4 or 5 then take a break and watch more TV, then when someone walks by I breathe heavily and mime the action of wiping sweat from my brow. This cycle continues until Oprah is over.
HEALTH- What's your eating vice?
COOLEY- I like to eat foods that are too big to put in my mouth in one bite. I approach that as a challenge and a personal attack on the size of my mouth. If I see a stack of pancakes, I will roll them into a syrupy dough-ball filled with the side of bacon and cram it sideways into my gaping facehole until I cannot breathe. I believe you can't fully enjoy a meal unless it's almost preventing you from staying alive.
HEALTH- Any secret-weapon foods?
COOLEY- Nunchucks....coverered in frosting.
HEALTH- You were once a model.
COOLEY- (long pause) First off, that's not a question. Bad question asking there. You don't speak good. Secondly, I am still a model...citizen. I don't litter. Thirdly, I went to a special school to get a career in modeling, or just look like one. I choose to just look like one.
HEALTH- So, we have to ask, are you single? There have been photos of you with a certain baseball player...[Derek Jeter]...
COOLEY- (does a comical spit take with a mouthful of Iced Tea) WHAT!?? Derek Jeter?! Where are these photos!? Show me the *#$@&! photos NOW! (pulls a knife from out of his sock, threatening the interviewer)
HEALTH- How do you stay happy?
COOLEY- I get this question a lot. Why wouldn't I be happy? I'm a model, I'm simultaneously curvy and toned, I have a sock knife, I may potentially be dating Derek Jeter, and I will outlive everyone on the planet right now. And when all that doesn't make me happy, I make up fake HEALTH magazine articles and post them on the internet.
Minka, I'll be expecting your pretend phone call.
Last picture of Minka Kelly (above) and Me (in own dream world)
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