Interview with Minka Kelly (and Me)

Minka Kelly (pictured above) with Me (not pictured)

I had some time to kill this weekend so I caught up on my magazine reading. I don't subscribe to magazines, that's for suckers. I like to drive to random dentists' offices, sit in their waiting rooms pretending to be a patient, and just read old magazine articles all day long. (Can you believe Jennifer Ansiton and Brad Pitt are breaking up? Who knew even celebrities have problems?)

I smoothly drifted into a real fancy dentist's office in the mall on Saturday that had recent, month old magazines. Jackpot! I kicked my shoes off, loosened my belt, opened my backpack full of tasty beverages, cracked open a Boones Farm Strawberry Hill, and started at page one of the most recent HEALTH magazine. I was in Heaven.

Before mall security could "escort me from the premises" (aka drag me kicking and screaming by pulling on my legs and jacket) through the use of "non-lethal force" (aka pepper spray and the sleeper hold) I read an amazing article/interview with my new pretend girlfriend, Minka Kelly.

more Minka Kelly (above) and Me (way below)

I've had lots of wife-sanctioned, "pretend girlfriends" in the past. Natalie Portman, Pamela Anderson (Not the Lee one), Monica Bellucci, Kelly Kapowski, every 20 year old female from Brazil, etc. But Minka Kelly is different because she is defintely the most recent.
I guess she's on some show, where she acts and stuff but who cares. She has a dog named Chewbacca and no lazy eye so she's a 10 in my book.
The interview with her was ground-breaking. Apparantly when she's not busy acting, she likes to workout, and eat healthy. Fascinating. And can you believe she has a sweet tooth? Wow. It's a compelling read.

I learned so much about Minka Kelly that I figured it would only be fair to reciprocate MY answers to the same questions HEALTH magazine asked her, back to her. And since I'm sure that she will eventually read my blog since she'll one day google herself (Minka Kelly) and come across my blog as having the most Minka Kelly hits, because I've typed her name, Minka Kelly, so many times, Minka Kelly, perhaps she (Minka Kelly) will see MY interview and want ME as her pretend boyfriend.....or at the very least, serve me with a pretend restraining order. So this is for you Minka Kelly, I think you'll like what you read.

And still yet more smiling Minka Kelly (on left) and Me (on far right)

HEALTH Magazine- What aspects of your health are you fanatical about?
COOLEY- I drink plenty of water. Doctors say your supposed to drink 8 glasses a day. I down 48 glasses a day, so I can live six times longer than the regular human life span. That means if I was supposed to die at 80, I will live until I am 480 years old. I'm like one of them tortoises....a thirsty, sexy tortoise.

HEALTH- You've been described as "simultaneously curvy and toned." Do you try for that?
COOLEY- Wow, is it getting hot in here? (laughs) or is it just me? (laughs for an awkward amount of time) Seriously though, I believe it was Yoda, the jedi master who said "There is no try, only do." I live everyday of my life by the words of that puppet.

HEALTH- What's your workout regimen?
COOLEY- I like to drive to the gym, take a half hour to change into my gym clothes (cutoff jeans and a muscle tee that reads "if you can read this, the bitch fell off!"), pretend to stretch (very important) while watching the TV mounted to the ceiling, sit down to do bench presses, maybe do 4 or 5 then take a break and watch more TV, then when someone walks by I breathe heavily and mime the action of wiping sweat from my brow. This cycle continues until Oprah is over.

HEALTH- What's your eating vice?
COOLEY- I like to eat foods that are too big to put in my mouth in one bite. I approach that as a challenge and a personal attack on the size of my mouth. If I see a stack of pancakes, I will roll them into a syrupy dough-ball filled with the side of bacon and cram it sideways into my gaping facehole until I cannot breathe. I believe you can't fully enjoy a meal unless it's almost preventing you from staying alive.

HEALTH- Any secret-weapon foods?
COOLEY- Nunchucks....coverered in frosting.

HEALTH- You were once a model.
COOLEY- (long pause) First off, that's not a question. Bad question asking there. You don't speak good. Secondly, I am still a model...citizen. I don't litter. Thirdly, I went to a special school to get a career in modeling, or just look like one. I choose to just look like one.

HEALTH- So, we have to ask, are you single? There have been photos of you with a certain baseball player...[Derek Jeter]...
COOLEY- (does a comical spit take with a mouthful of Iced Tea) WHAT!?? Derek Jeter?! Where are these photos!? Show me the *#$@&! photos NOW! (pulls a knife from out of his sock, threatening the interviewer)

HEALTH- How do you stay happy?
COOLEY- I get this question a lot. Why wouldn't I be happy? I'm a model, I'm simultaneously curvy and toned, I have a sock knife, I may potentially be dating Derek Jeter, and I will outlive everyone on the planet right now. And when all that doesn't make me happy, I make up fake HEALTH magazine articles and post them on the internet.


Minka, I'll be expecting your pretend phone call.

Last picture of Minka Kelly (above) and Me (in own dream world)

I was in a magazine store the other day with a group of my friends. It was one of those hole in the wall places with magazines on every topic imaginable, piled to the ceiling. My Canadian/ vegetarian friend Nick Sung sarcastically handed me a magazine and said "Here. This one's perfect for you." It was a magazine all about Meat.

I love meat. I've always loved it. I grew up in a farming town, and while other young boys were busy stealing apples and getting chased out of Mr. McGregor's apple orchards, my brother and I were busy stealing and killing Mr. McGregor's cows with a homemade cattle prod we created out of a car battery, jumper cables, and a retractable swimming pool skimmer....you know, kid stuff.

I was thumbing through the magazine, and it was great because it had all these amazing pictures of meat. Meat on a cutting board, meat on the grill, a guy chewing a piece of meat, meat on a plate...the list goes on and on. I was salivating and I couldn't put the magazine down. Then it hit me. I was looking at food porn. I couldn't have any of this meat. I couldn't taste it. And some of the photos HAD to have been touched up....no meat can look THAT delicious. At that moment I was hit with a stray 'brillance bullet' from an 'idea uzi' during a 'knowledge drive-by'. And this came to me...

Carnivore Quarterly, the meat magazine.

I know what your thinking. 'I already subscribe to a meat magazine, why should I bother reading yours?' Well first of all, you snob, my meat magazine has great articles about meat, amazing photos of meats, interviews with meat experts, etc. But what really sets us apart from the other meat magazine hacks? Imagine this. Your thumbing through Carnivore Quarterly and you see a mouth-watering recipe for a Honey-baked Ham. Well all you'd have to do is rip that page out and push it into your face-hole because every page of Carnivore Quarterly is made of thinly sliced deli meats for your consumption. What about the ink? Wouldn't that be bad to consume, you ask? Not when we print our magazine with 100% colored barbacue sauce. I mocked up the first issue, and with any luck Carnivore Quarterly will be coming to all refrigerated newstands in your area.

The Story Game

I went out on a date with my wife Thursday night to an authentic old Western bar/restaurant in the bay area. Date night doesn't happen as often with a little one in the house now. I'm not talking about our baby, I'm talking about the mischievous, jig-dancing leprechaun that we recently adopted. Sure, at first he was a lot of fun, with his magical teleportation onto my ceiling and his crass joke telling..... but after a while I realized he was just a small drunk who hides my car keys.
We were sitting at the end of the bar, when a local regular shuffled in. With his walker leading him, it took 15 minutes for him to get from the front door to his regular barstool, which lucky for me, was right next to mine. He couldn't have been a year under 90, and I'm sure he was partially being slowed down by the weight of his cowboy hat. He finally sat down, his drink already waiting for him. The bartender motioned to him...
Bartender- "Hey there, Cowboy. How you doing tonight?"
Cowboy- "I'm here."

'I'm here'. And those were the only words he said all night. He was there and that was all that mattered. I began to wonder about the Cowboy. Did he have a hard day? A hard life? What's his real name? What's his living space look like? Does he have a closet full of those hats like Batman? How often does he come here? What time in the day did he leave to get here? Was he ever a real cowboy? Could I take him out if a bar brawl started? Is he packin' heat?
This is how you play the story game. My wife and I play it whenever we see interesting characters wherever we are. Airports, city parks, strip joints, nudie bars, gentlemen's clubs, church functions ....wherever there's people you can play it.
It's easy: you pick someone out, and to yourself, figure out their life story. Their name, occupation, family life, social situation, why they're where you are.....etc. Whenever I play this game I always wonder how close we get to the actual truth. But that's the fun part I think....not knowing. If I did know, I always feel I'd be a tad disappointed.
Take this photo that I stumbled upon on Google.

Soak in it's awesomeness. I googled the word "natives" for something I was doing, and this image popped up. Besides being in my top ten list of coolest pictures ever, I wonder what's the story here? Who is this tight denim shorty-shorts guy? Is he dating both these girls at the same time like some real life Archie dating Bettie and Veronica? Has he ever met these girls before this picture was taken? Is he married/divorced to one of them still today? Is that his jeep? Where are they? Who's taking the photo? Are these people still alive? Then there's the story of this actual photograph. This was taken with real film, which means it was developed at a photomat most likely, put in an envelope with the other photographs that were developed, given back to the photographer, they kept the photo (probably in the bottom drawer of their dresser with all the other photos they were going to put in an album...someday), and eventually it was scanned by someone and uploaded onto the internet. Why? Again, I don't want to know. The potential is better to me than the reality.

These are the universe's billions upon trillions of daily tiny questions that few know the answers to, and the rest of us will never know.
But it's also fun to just make up the answers yourself.

Unrelated question: Anyone know how to properly dispose of a leprechaun? I got mad and kicked him in the crotch and he split into two mischievous, smaller leprechauns...and they won't stop mocking me. Is there anything I can spray into their eyes to blind them?
Thanks in advance.

New UP trailer

I spent many years storyboarding on this film, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. After seeing how it's turning out, I'm reminded of a quote Pete Docter said once in a meeting, that is hanging on the wall near my office....

"I better dip my socks in cement, so they don't get blown off."

See the trailer HERE!

How about this Economy huh? Boy does it blow. I had to let go of the one employee that runs my lemonade stand that I put up in front of my house. So now I have nothing to do on Saturdays. So to make ends meet, again, I have to rent out space on my blog to the classified ads.

PERSONALS

Portly Male Real Estate Tycoon ISO Sexy Female Banker

I own houses and hotels from Mediterranean Avenue all the way to Park Place. Why not chance a turn with me? Are you currently incarcerated? Not a problem. I can have you released from jail without having to pay a dime. I have plenty of free parking, a scottish terrier, and a small iron you can use to press my tux. Must have nice community chest.

HOUSE FOR RENT

2 Bedroom/ 1 and a half Bath, 35 sq ft, gingerbread home in desirable neighborhood. Remodeled bathroom and kitchen, new frosting roof. Convenient location-25 colored squares from Lollipop Woods, 76 from Gumdrop Mountains. So easy to locate, a child could do it. Winding colored path leads to front door. Nice view of Molasses Swamp. No Pets.

FOR SALE

Orange Hippopotamus - cheap! I can no longer afford to purchase food for this starving hippo. I am constantly disciplining it by smacking the lever protruding from it's backside, but that doesn't seem to help. It never stops eating. Never! I'm losing my marbles here!

Knowledge... was their Trailer.

I have only been sad two times my entire life.

1. When they said 'the Last Crusade' would be the last Indiana Jones movie, and

2. When I walked out of the theatre after watching the last Indiana Jones movie

I know I've complained about it before, but that movie haunts me. I'll be out enjoying a sunny day, usually skipping with my woodland creature friends, enjoying a rainbow... BAM! Crystal Skull enters my brain and my head wants to explode as if I looked into the Ark. It makes me want to leave out a bowl of dates in the off chance I'll be poisoned by a nazi monkey.

Anyway, I channeled my hatred and made lemonade out of lemons, by fixing the Indy 4 trailer so that it better matches the movie.

Didn't realize the video was so small. That's the last time I use my iPod nano to edit.

UPDATE-

Larger version available on a not very popular site called Youtube.

My night with Ashley Judd

I was being "politely asked to leave" a used bookstore the other day, because I was "disturbing the customers" when something on the shelf caught my eye. It was a used DVD copy of the Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman smash hit, High Crimes. I told the manager to get his grubby mitts offa me, because I had six dollars and I wanted to buy the movie. Why would I want to buy this DVD? It's boring, it got bad reviews, and it's a sad follow-up (not a sequel) to Morgan Freeman/ Ashley Judd's Kiss the Girls fueled only by their star-power.
Why would I want it? Because I'm in it.

December 2000, around midnight-ish. I was walking through Union Square in San Francisco with two of my lady friends. (That's right, I said two.) I saw a bunch of guys setting up lights and trailers everywhere. They were obviously shooting some movie. So I walked up to a security guard. Here was our conversation verbatim:
Me- Hey, what's going on? Someone making a movie?
Guard- Yeah.
Me- Who's in it?
Guard- Ashley Judd and the guy who drove Miss Daisy, what's his face.
Me- I want to be in the movie.
(Guard stares at us.)
Guard- hold on...
Guard into Walkie Talkie- Hey Vince, you need more background?
Walkie-Talkie- yeah, send'em up.
Guard to me- go to the third floor in the Saint Francis Hotel, they'll tell you where to go.

And that's how easy it is to break into Hollywood and be a star of the moving pictures.

And so we went to the third floor where we were served a free buffet dinner with all the rest of the background extras and film crew. I mingled with all the top background extras: the stand-in for Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2, an extra who had a close-up in The Nutty Professor, and the horse wrangler from Wild Wild West. The real stars of Hollywood.
In the middle of dinner, this guy slowly wanders over to our table, holding his dinner tray, like the new kid in school trying to find somewhere to sit in the lunchroom. Here's our conversation verbatim:
New kid guy- can I sit here?
Me (with my mouth full)- Ummm.....I think someone's sitting there.....
No one was sitting there.
New kid guy leaves, sad.
Lady at table- What are you doing? No one's sitting there....and that was James Caviezel.
Me- Who?
Lady at Table- One of the stars of this movie.
Me- Well, who's the star now!? Ha ha! Pass the salt!

Only years later would I realize my horrible mistake. I single-handedly prevented the movie star that would eventually play Jesus in Passion of the Christ, from enjoying his shrimp cocktail and mini-burritos at our circular folding table.

I rejected Hollywood Jesus.

I only pray that someday, J.C. (James Caviezel) will forgive me for my sin against him.
Finally it was time to be an actor. It was 2:30 am, we were in Union Square preparing for the shoot. Here's what the background director told us verbatim:
BG Director- You guys start here, on 'Action' walk to the curb and try to hail a cab until 'Cut'.
Me- Question?
BG Director- yeah.
Me- Can we stand closer to Ashley Judd?
(Her starting mark was 6 feet away)
BG Director- You're pretty close already.
Me- I want to smell her hair.
BG Director- Just hail the cab.
So that's what I did. I acted the hell out of my role as Taxi Hailer. In fact, one take was ruined because I actually hailed a cab and it stopped traffic. I don't want to toot my own horn here, but if there were some sort of award for background extras who specifically hail cabs....well, I'd think I would be a shoe-in but...I'll let you decide...
(By the way, I'm not that guy with the Santa hat and whistle hailing a cab, that guy sucked. His performance was lacking, and I didn't believe any of it. My cab hailing has emotion.)



Was my acting so good that it blended in and you missed it? Here. I slowed it down and added a big arrow so it's easier to see my performance for award considerations...