My night with Ashley Judd

I was being "politely asked to leave" a used bookstore the other day, because I was "disturbing the customers" when something on the shelf caught my eye. It was a used DVD copy of the Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman smash hit, High Crimes. I told the manager to get his grubby mitts offa me, because I had six dollars and I wanted to buy the movie. Why would I want to buy this DVD? It's boring, it got bad reviews, and it's a sad follow-up (not a sequel) to Morgan Freeman/ Ashley Judd's Kiss the Girls fueled only by their star-power.
Why would I want it? Because I'm in it.

December 2000, around midnight-ish. I was walking through Union Square in San Francisco with two of my lady friends. (That's right, I said two.) I saw a bunch of guys setting up lights and trailers everywhere. They were obviously shooting some movie. So I walked up to a security guard. Here was our conversation verbatim:
Me- Hey, what's going on? Someone making a movie?
Guard- Yeah.
Me- Who's in it?
Guard- Ashley Judd and the guy who drove Miss Daisy, what's his face.
Me- I want to be in the movie.
(Guard stares at us.)
Guard- hold on...
Guard into Walkie Talkie- Hey Vince, you need more background?
Walkie-Talkie- yeah, send'em up.
Guard to me- go to the third floor in the Saint Francis Hotel, they'll tell you where to go.

And that's how easy it is to break into Hollywood and be a star of the moving pictures.

And so we went to the third floor where we were served a free buffet dinner with all the rest of the background extras and film crew. I mingled with all the top background extras: the stand-in for Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2, an extra who had a close-up in The Nutty Professor, and the horse wrangler from Wild Wild West. The real stars of Hollywood.
In the middle of dinner, this guy slowly wanders over to our table, holding his dinner tray, like the new kid in school trying to find somewhere to sit in the lunchroom. Here's our conversation verbatim:
New kid guy- can I sit here?
Me (with my mouth full)- Ummm.....I think someone's sitting there.....
No one was sitting there.
New kid guy leaves, sad.
Lady at table- What are you doing? No one's sitting there....and that was James Caviezel.
Me- Who?
Lady at Table- One of the stars of this movie.
Me- Well, who's the star now!? Ha ha! Pass the salt!

Only years later would I realize my horrible mistake. I single-handedly prevented the movie star that would eventually play Jesus in Passion of the Christ, from enjoying his shrimp cocktail and mini-burritos at our circular folding table.

I rejected Hollywood Jesus.

I only pray that someday, J.C. (James Caviezel) will forgive me for my sin against him.
Finally it was time to be an actor. It was 2:30 am, we were in Union Square preparing for the shoot. Here's what the background director told us verbatim:
BG Director- You guys start here, on 'Action' walk to the curb and try to hail a cab until 'Cut'.
Me- Question?
BG Director- yeah.
Me- Can we stand closer to Ashley Judd?
(Her starting mark was 6 feet away)
BG Director- You're pretty close already.
Me- I want to smell her hair.
BG Director- Just hail the cab.
So that's what I did. I acted the hell out of my role as Taxi Hailer. In fact, one take was ruined because I actually hailed a cab and it stopped traffic. I don't want to toot my own horn here, but if there were some sort of award for background extras who specifically hail cabs....well, I'd think I would be a shoe-in but...I'll let you decide...
(By the way, I'm not that guy with the Santa hat and whistle hailing a cab, that guy sucked. His performance was lacking, and I didn't believe any of it. My cab hailing has emotion.)



Was my acting so good that it blended in and you missed it? Here. I slowed it down and added a big arrow so it's easier to see my performance for award considerations...

The Bug Zapper- UPDATE!

My good buddy Doug and I made this short last weekend for a 48 hour film festival. You get 48 hours to write, shoot, and edit a short film. To make sure you don't start early, you get three "ingredients" that HAVE to be in the film right at the beginning of the 48 hours.
This year's ingredients-
1. A plunger
2. a case of mistaken identity
3. A line of dialogue (at least three words) that is said three times in a row by at least 2 people.

Enjoy the next three minutes of your life.

UPDATE!

The Bug Zapper made the top of Will Ferrell's 'Funny or Die' homepage. Check out the different edit of the film (without the three ingredients) at...

FUNNY OR DIE!

My favorite vegetable

I have a problem.

I don't smoke, don't do drugs, I'm not high on life...... I have a bigger problem. Like those penguins that instinctually march thousands of miles every year for penguin sex, every October 1st I instinctually march literally hundreds of feet to the nearest Rite-Aid. Why? Because that is the exact day that Rite-Aid stocks their seasonal shelves with Brach's Big Bag 22 oz, made with real honey, America's #1 Candy Corn.

I know what your thinking. Your saying to yourself, "Sure, I like candy corn too, what's the big deal about it, stupid?" Well, first of all, was calling me 'stupid' really necessary? That was kinda harsh. And second, You don't understand my problem.

I'm like a crackhead for Candy Corn.

Every Fall I try to avoid those nasty, little tri-colored, high fructose syrup triangles of temptation. But then my grandma puts out a tiny bowl of them on her family room table, and I say to myself, "I'll just have a small handful." Next thing I know, I'm wielding my grandma's knitting needles, threatening to 'cut' her, if she doesn't hand over the rest of the bag. I'm sick.
The worst part is that after eating maybe 3 pieces, I'm sick to my stomach....but I keep eating them. In fact, I have eaten half a bag so far while writing this. My heart feels like it's working twice as hard to pump my blood that has the consistency of Elmer's glue. Candy corn is killing me. They are disgusting. But I can't stop. I need them in my stomach. It tastes like I'm slowly eating a candle, one bite at a time. But the sugar....it's so...sugary. And the Titanium Dioxide Color Yellow 6....it's so....yellowy.
But luckily, as quickly as the urge to splurge on candy corn arrives....come the stroke of midnight from Oct 31st to Nov 1st, it's gone. And I don't want to even LOOk at--......kkf397bviorvbj3judc asubv ksfvfskbn vskfuvkubn unvt3ubnvo3vojnfvojjsf

Whoa. Sorry about that. I just passed out onto my keyboard for like 3 hours, and I woke up in my neighbor's front yard, Halloween decorations. I think I need to take a long look at my life...after I get back from Rite-Aid.

There's been a lot of jibber jabber and hoopla recently about oil, and the next president, and the economy, and blah blah blah everything sucks. But we are being distracted from the major issues here. And because I have a blog that reaches literally TENS of people, I'm going to do on this blog, what other blogs don't.......voice an opinion. And my hope is that you will agree with my opinion without question, and send a healthy monetary donation (paypal preferred) to my blog/cause, so that we may join hands (figuratively speaking only, I don't know where your hands have been) and stand up for the rights that we as human beings, so rightly deserve. So get a pissed off look on your face, pump your fist in the air, and get angry as you read another 100% rant filled edition of--
I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic the other day when I had an epiphany. I realized I was wasting my life away while sitting in this large metal, vibrating hunk of deathtrap we call a car. So as I pulled onto the shoulder of the freeway to speed past everyone (including the accident), I thought "This wouldn't be a problem if I had a jetpack!" And that pisses me off. I don't have a jetpack. Way to drop the future ball on that one, old people scientists, another scratch on the "letdown scoreboard" for you.
We have pills that make you lose weight, a robot VCR that records television for you, cleanser that uses Oxygen to remove stains--HOW COME WE HAVE NO PACKS THAT JET!????
And I'm talking about a REAL jetpack, not that lame one the guy uses to fly into football games and air shows. That guy looks stupid, and like he's almost about to blow up. I want one the size of a normal backpack, that I don't need a helmet to steer with. It should operate like a Segway, but in the air. Is that too much to ask? And guys, think of all the chicks you would get if you flew overhead with a jetpack. Answer: tons. And guess what, you make it so the jetpack doesn't run on gasoline, and then there's no more relying on foreign oil. Problem solved. Heck, I don't care if the jetpack runs on crushed dreams or baby dolphin meat-- I want to get airbourne now!

100% TRUE! Because if they weren't, they wouldn't be on the internet!

1. There are 2 kinds of Pandas. The Long-tailed Himalayan carnivore that looks like a raccoon and there is the Giant panda bear that lives in Western China. Both go well with barbacue sauce.

2. Movie Star Jessica Alba loves Cookies and Cream ice cream, likes to watch football, and her favorite color is purple. She is a horrible actress.

3. It is 3,975 miles from Earth's surface to it's nougat-y center.

4. There are over 100 religions in the Western Hemisphere alone. Most of them are just ridiculous. You know which ones I mean.

5. Curling up naked in the fetal position on your bathroom floor and crying will not bring your girlfriend back, no matter how many hours you do it for.

6. Average time it takes to complete a transaction at a Wendy's drive-thru: 2 minutes 30.29 seconds. Average time it takes to rob a Wendy's : 1 minute 42.3 seconds.

7. Siberian Tigers do not think Frosted Flakes are that great.

8. Scientists claim that milkshakes will bring the boys to the yard.

9. The fear of women is called 'gynaephobia' . The fear of politicians is called 'politicophobia'. The fear of an unqualified woman becoming a powerful politician is called 'rational'.

10. For one week a year in the Springtime, cheap plastic bead necklaces make girls go wild.

I love the smell of Inappropriate Golden Books in the morning...

The HOBO-LYMPIC Games

If you've been watching the Olympic Games in Beijing, you know the excitement of watching these great athletes perform. There's the Women's Beach Volleyball, ....that Micheal Phelps swimming guy, and.....the women's beach volleyball. Really exciting stuff.
Well I just got back from my trip to a different kind of China. Chinatown, San Francisco to be exact. That's where this year's Hobo-lympics are underway and BOY what a great year! The opening ceremony was amazing! Hearing the Hobo-lympic theme being played only on washboards and the spoons is truly beautiful.
I was lucky enough to see famous hobo-athlete 'Skitts McRash' compete against rookie 'Janky DownFly' in the 100 meter Run-n-Babble event. Then we grabbed a couple cans of Hobo-lympic sponsored baked beans and caught 'Stinks Malloy' go head to head against 'Professor Scabs' in the Floor Spare Change competition, brought to you by Subway. (Well it was in front of a Subway, anyhow)
There was even some alleged scandal when 'Knifey "the knife" Stabstab', attacked 4 time gold medal winner 'Twitchy SkullCap Jitters' (pictured above) with the metal lid of a cat food container during the BackAlley Dumpster Diving competition. Even with deep lacerations, Jitters took the gold and during the awards ceremony, used his middle fingers to show the audience who was "number one". (It was ironic considering the "metal" around his neck was made from a cat food lid.)
We were about to catch my favorite game, the Individual Obscenity Screaming event, when the police showed up and put an end to the games early this year. But before that, I did get to talk for a bit to 8 time Gold medal winner for the Bindle Toss, hobo-lympic star 'Gums McRazor' which was a treat. I asked him how confident he felt this year about bringing home the gold, and he said to me, "I can gold MY OWN time with the devil and a wiffle ball bat, scruffy." Then he picked a fight with a parking meter.