Who are the People in your Neighborhood...?

Driving to and from work everyday, I've noticed a consistant cast of sketchy "characters" that line the main drag I take. And I'm not the only one. If I mention to a co-worker that "Antennae-Head" is sitting in his usual chair, they know exactly who I'm talking about and where he is.

Here's one of my favorites, "the Strawberry Pimp".

This pimp struts along the main blvd, in full pimp limp, in his chains, and gold, and everything. He's straight out of SuperFly. Sometimes he's dancing, and sometimes he's using his pimp cane to direct traffic like some kind of pimp traffic wizard magically making traffic lights change.

I was stopped at a stoplight at a corner this morning, and a glimmer caught my eye. It was sunlight reflecting off of the Strawberry Pimp's gold $ necklace and he was standing right next to my passenger's side window staring at me like the above picture. I was so excited to see him, because everyone knows when you see a pimp, your supposed to make a wish and it might come true. But my excitement was cut short. While staring at me....Strawberry Pimp pushed his jacket back with his hand in his pocket to reveal a giant handcrafted wooden knife handle, at least 8 inches long. I guess I was frozen because the car behind me honked because the light changed and I didn't notice.

Moral of the story: Nothing gets your day off to a great start better than a pimp threatening to cut you.

New Yorker Cartoon Contest

Every week me and my bud/co-worker, dancer/choreographer Dan Scanlon , enter the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest. The New Yorker supplies the cartoon, we supply the caption for it. We mail in our caption, then send our "alternate captions" to each other. The alternates are jokes that would never get picked in a million years, even though the ones we send it never get picked either......stupid unfunny New Yorker......grumble grumble.... ENJOY

Mom, I'm okay.....but something's happened to the jet.

I'm late for dinner again?.......aww chute.

Honey, I'm literally coming out of the closet. I am gay...to the EXTREME!

Please let me stay.....I just can't handle being ejected again.

My partner's chute didn't open and he's in your front yard. Do you have a garbage bag?

Evening ma'am. Can I tell you about my EXTREME friend, Jesus Christ?

Honey, my midlife crisis is over now.

Sorry I'm late, there was a backup on the Highway to the Danger Zone.

I bet your wondering what that explosion noise was.

Wait a second.....This isn't the baseball game.

Brought to you by the number Se7en....

Yet another Inappropriate Golden Book for Kids

Cintiq Doodling

In this paperless digital age, I've been keeping a file on my computer desktop for random doodles, since there's no such thing as scraps of paper anymore. This one filled up finally.

And now, I keep trying to shake my wacom cintiq to erase the picture but it won't go away.

Part Duex ...with UPDATE!

One of the highlights of my blogging career was when I interviewed my friend, Nick Sung, because I found out he was Canadian. Like me, I know a lot of you cyberspace surfers out there are confused about Canadians and you want to know who they are and what makes them tick. That interview was a global success, yet somehow, I still wasn't Canadian-ly satisfied. Imagine my joy when another good friend of mine, James Robertson, came up to me and said, "Hey, I'm Canadian too." I grabbed his hands and jumped around in a circle while laughing maniacally. He agreed to be interviewed if i stopped touching him.
So here it is folks, Another edition of....

Professor Cooley- Annnnnnnnd......we're back. Welcome to "Conversations with Canadians", I'm your (American) moderator and host, Professor Cooley. This is Part 12B of our 43 part series. Today my guest from the icy slopes of Canada, is Canadian Canada dweller, James Robertson. Welcome James.

James Robertson (Canadian)- Hi, thanks for having me.

Professor Cooley- So this isn't my first time interviewing a Canadian. I once interviewed Canadian, Nick Sung. You know him?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Yeah. Hes my friend.

Professor Cooley- Wow, you Canadians ARE friendly, aren't you? AH Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

(long awkward pause)

Professor Cooley- Are you in the U.S. of A. for business or pleasure?

James Robertson (Canadian)- business, definitely business. However, California is pleasurable.

Professor Cooley- In your personal opinion, why do you think America is #1?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Because China hasn't taken over yet. I give it 3 years.

Professor Cooley- Ha! Dream on, Canuck! America doesn't rely on China for anything. Next question.... Which song makes you cry more...You're a Grand Old Flag, Battle Hymn of the Republic, or Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A.?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Raining Blood by Slayer.

Professor Cooley- Ah yes, Canada's national anthem.... The word "Canada" sounds like it's Spanish or something...what's it mean?

James Robertson (Canadian)- I think it's Indian. It means "awesome".

Professor Cooley- Every time I see a Mountie, I laugh. Are Mounties taken seriously in Canada?

James Robertson (Canadian)- It depends. If they're not armed and riding a horse... no. But if they are armed and riding a motorcycle... no.

Professor Cooley- America has a "President" who's job is to run the country, and clean up the mess left by the previous President. Who's running things up there in Canada?

James Robertson (Canadian)- The Canadian equivalent of republicans. So.... the democrats.

Professor Cooley- I typed 'Canada' into the internet, and a bunch of stuff came up that I didn't have time to read. Explain Canada to me in two sentences or less. Preferably less.

James Robertson (Canadian)- The cleaner, less populated and less scary version of the States, eh.

Professor Cooley- What the hell is boxing day? Is that when Canadians celebrate the birth of baby Sugar Ray Robinson?

James Robertson (Canadian)- It's the day after Christmas when you return the #&@% you got and don't want. They also have sales on electronics and such.

Professor Cooley- In Canada, how old do you have to be to get your dog sled license?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Is this interview almost over?

Professor Cooley- You know Pamela Anderson? She's from Canada.

James Robertson (Canadian)- Who?

Professor Cooley- The Canadian flag is just a leaf and some lines, right? I've come up with some better designs, and your welcome. Which one to you like, I mean, which one do you love the most?







James Robertson (Canadian)- It's getting kinda late....

Professor Cooley- Mmmm Hmmm......that Pamela Anderson! I'd pour maple syrup on THOSE stacks of pancakes! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

James Robertson (Canadian)- I have to leave now.


James Robertson is like that one REALLY talented friend you have, who is SO friendly and nice, that you want to punch them in the face. He's smart, funny, a great guy, he enjoys sports, leisure activities, fine foods, and long walks on the beach. But SORRY ladies....he's taken by his equally talented wife. Think I'm a liar? Think there's no way James could be THAT talented AND nice? Well, BRING IT! and check out his awesome work for yourself, fool!

James Robertson's Blog, THE IRON SCYTHE

UPDATE!

Pamela Anderson is the new Queen of Canada. In other news, I am moving to Canada.

Dear Indy, ...

(Warning: this letter from Sallah to Indiana Jones contains spoliers about the movie 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Do not read if you would rather have the movie spoil Indiana Jones for you.)



Greetings, my friend! It is I, your good friend and comrade, Sallah speaking. It has been many years, 19 to be exact, since our last adventure, and how I have missed you so, my friend. I have been keeping abreast of your many travels, and most recently have viewed your latest adventures in your quest for the crystal skull and it's kingdom.
I am grateful for your safe return, my friend, and I thank you...THANK YOU from the depths of my heart for not including me in your latest adventure. We once ventured across many lands, risking life and limb to seek the most covetted of artifacts. Discovering the vessel that is the resting place for the Ten Commandments, the Ark of the Covenant....and years later finding the goblet which Jesus drank from at the Last Supper, the Holy Grail. Those were quite exciting times, with meaningful consequences if those artifacts were to fall in the wrong hands. Exciting times, indeed. Surely 19 years later, if you were to embark on another quest it must outweigh or match the importance of these previous finds. Which is why I am quite perplexed, Indy.

I must ask you, my friend.....

A FREAKIN' CRYSTAL SKULL!!??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!!! IS THAT THE BEST YOU COULD DO??? How about a MacGuffin that actually MEANS something?! Or better yet, a MacGuffin that isn't the size of a watermelon, so you could actually CARRY it?? But I guess that isn't a problem since you have 5, that's right 5 SIDEKICKS to do all the work for you!! All you have to do is stand there commenting on previous adventures and remembering dead characters by staring at photos of them that look like they were taken from screenshots of the previous movies! Why not call it Indiana Jones and the Stroll down Memory Lane. Ahh yes...there's Brodie, and your Dad, and your whip...that you only used TWICE in 2 hours! Where was the Indy that actually made things happen...the Indy with a CHARACTER? All you did was give me expositional backstory for half the movie, then the other half you just kept asking an old guy what to do next! I would have rather eaten some of those bad dates from that evil, Nazi monkey. And speaking of monkeys....since when do monkeys randomly attack Russians. And what's with the prairie dogs, really? And a nuclear blast? That scene wasn't neccessary or entertaining at all. And for God's sake....ALIENS????!!! WHA-- WHO-- HOW-- WHA--!!!

Much apologies, my friend. I have much emotions over this matter, and much confusion as well. We live in two differents worlds you and I. I reside in the world of good Indiana Jones adventures...and you reside over there, on the other side of that shark that you jumped over, on the back of a motorcycle with your Fonz look-alike son.

So Thank you again, my friend, for not including me on your alien adventure, and leave me out as well for your Quest for the Happiest Leprechaun, or your Expedition for Unicorn Island. When your next adventure is Indiana Jones and the Better Screenplay, contact me.
I still have my job reminding people to wear thier safety restraints while in the Temple of the Forbidden Eye.

Your grateful friend, Sallah

I was fortunate enough this year to visit both my mothers on Mothers' Day.

I visited my birth mother first in the morning. I made her breakfast in bed, we watched an edited version of 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back' on TBS, the SuperStation, then I gave her a card that I made. It said, "Thanks for giving me life... I appreciate it! " Then I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, and the guards escorted her back to her cell. It was a lovely morning.

Then it was off to see my second mom. Technically she's not my 'real mom', but she raised me since I was an infant, so to me, she is my mother. She and my "brothers" live far from the city so it took a few hours to drive out to the woods. I parked my stationwagon and continued for 3 more hours by foot. I finally found their place. It was just as I remembered it. The stone walls, the fresh pine scent, boney carcasses lining the floor....I was home.

Suddenly, I was attacked from behind. Claws ripped into my back flesh and I let out a terror scream of pain. I fell to the ground, unable to breathe. But then I saw her. My mom! She must have not recognized my scent! But after a few seconds she saw it was me, and as I writhed in pain on the ground, she lifted her back leg and released a liquid-y "hello" onto my jacket. (I know that may seem gross to some of you, but every family has rituals, and it's not polite to judge our beliefs).
So my mom licked my wounds for a while, my pack brothers showed up, then I gave her my mothers' day gift... a fresh mule deer kill that I did with my bare hands. It was a little awkward because one of my brothers, MoonShadow, ALSO gave mom a kill, but mine was a day fresher. MoonShadow has always been a jerk to me, because I'm an "outsider" he says. I think he's jealous because I have opposable thumbs and I know how to make tools and stuff.
I nuzzled my mother goodbye and then headed straight to Rite-Aid to get some bactine and band-aids for the deep lacerations in my back.

I love my moms and I can't wait until next Mother's Day...next year I may even introduce them to my wife.