Cintiq Doodling

In this paperless digital age, I've been keeping a file on my computer desktop for random doodles, since there's no such thing as scraps of paper anymore. This one filled up finally.

And now, I keep trying to shake my wacom cintiq to erase the picture but it won't go away.

Part Duex ...with UPDATE!

One of the highlights of my blogging career was when I interviewed my friend, Nick Sung, because I found out he was Canadian. Like me, I know a lot of you cyberspace surfers out there are confused about Canadians and you want to know who they are and what makes them tick. That interview was a global success, yet somehow, I still wasn't Canadian-ly satisfied. Imagine my joy when another good friend of mine, James Robertson, came up to me and said, "Hey, I'm Canadian too." I grabbed his hands and jumped around in a circle while laughing maniacally. He agreed to be interviewed if i stopped touching him.
So here it is folks, Another edition of....

Professor Cooley- Annnnnnnnd......we're back. Welcome to "Conversations with Canadians", I'm your (American) moderator and host, Professor Cooley. This is Part 12B of our 43 part series. Today my guest from the icy slopes of Canada, is Canadian Canada dweller, James Robertson. Welcome James.

James Robertson (Canadian)- Hi, thanks for having me.

Professor Cooley- So this isn't my first time interviewing a Canadian. I once interviewed Canadian, Nick Sung. You know him?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Yeah. Hes my friend.

Professor Cooley- Wow, you Canadians ARE friendly, aren't you? AH Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

(long awkward pause)

Professor Cooley- Are you in the U.S. of A. for business or pleasure?

James Robertson (Canadian)- business, definitely business. However, California is pleasurable.

Professor Cooley- In your personal opinion, why do you think America is #1?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Because China hasn't taken over yet. I give it 3 years.

Professor Cooley- Ha! Dream on, Canuck! America doesn't rely on China for anything. Next question.... Which song makes you cry more...You're a Grand Old Flag, Battle Hymn of the Republic, or Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A.?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Raining Blood by Slayer.

Professor Cooley- Ah yes, Canada's national anthem.... The word "Canada" sounds like it's Spanish or something...what's it mean?

James Robertson (Canadian)- I think it's Indian. It means "awesome".

Professor Cooley- Every time I see a Mountie, I laugh. Are Mounties taken seriously in Canada?

James Robertson (Canadian)- It depends. If they're not armed and riding a horse... no. But if they are armed and riding a motorcycle... no.

Professor Cooley- America has a "President" who's job is to run the country, and clean up the mess left by the previous President. Who's running things up there in Canada?

James Robertson (Canadian)- The Canadian equivalent of republicans. So.... the democrats.

Professor Cooley- I typed 'Canada' into the internet, and a bunch of stuff came up that I didn't have time to read. Explain Canada to me in two sentences or less. Preferably less.

James Robertson (Canadian)- The cleaner, less populated and less scary version of the States, eh.

Professor Cooley- What the hell is boxing day? Is that when Canadians celebrate the birth of baby Sugar Ray Robinson?

James Robertson (Canadian)- It's the day after Christmas when you return the #&@% you got and don't want. They also have sales on electronics and such.

Professor Cooley- In Canada, how old do you have to be to get your dog sled license?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Is this interview almost over?

Professor Cooley- You know Pamela Anderson? She's from Canada.

James Robertson (Canadian)- Who?

Professor Cooley- The Canadian flag is just a leaf and some lines, right? I've come up with some better designs, and your welcome. Which one to you like, I mean, which one do you love the most?







James Robertson (Canadian)- It's getting kinda late....

Professor Cooley- Mmmm Hmmm......that Pamela Anderson! I'd pour maple syrup on THOSE stacks of pancakes! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

James Robertson (Canadian)- I have to leave now.


James Robertson is like that one REALLY talented friend you have, who is SO friendly and nice, that you want to punch them in the face. He's smart, funny, a great guy, he enjoys sports, leisure activities, fine foods, and long walks on the beach. But SORRY ladies....he's taken by his equally talented wife. Think I'm a liar? Think there's no way James could be THAT talented AND nice? Well, BRING IT! and check out his awesome work for yourself, fool!

James Robertson's Blog, THE IRON SCYTHE

UPDATE!

Pamela Anderson is the new Queen of Canada. In other news, I am moving to Canada.

Dear Indy, ...

(Warning: this letter from Sallah to Indiana Jones contains spoliers about the movie 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Do not read if you would rather have the movie spoil Indiana Jones for you.)



Greetings, my friend! It is I, your good friend and comrade, Sallah speaking. It has been many years, 19 to be exact, since our last adventure, and how I have missed you so, my friend. I have been keeping abreast of your many travels, and most recently have viewed your latest adventures in your quest for the crystal skull and it's kingdom.
I am grateful for your safe return, my friend, and I thank you...THANK YOU from the depths of my heart for not including me in your latest adventure. We once ventured across many lands, risking life and limb to seek the most covetted of artifacts. Discovering the vessel that is the resting place for the Ten Commandments, the Ark of the Covenant....and years later finding the goblet which Jesus drank from at the Last Supper, the Holy Grail. Those were quite exciting times, with meaningful consequences if those artifacts were to fall in the wrong hands. Exciting times, indeed. Surely 19 years later, if you were to embark on another quest it must outweigh or match the importance of these previous finds. Which is why I am quite perplexed, Indy.

I must ask you, my friend.....

A FREAKIN' CRYSTAL SKULL!!??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!!! IS THAT THE BEST YOU COULD DO??? How about a MacGuffin that actually MEANS something?! Or better yet, a MacGuffin that isn't the size of a watermelon, so you could actually CARRY it?? But I guess that isn't a problem since you have 5, that's right 5 SIDEKICKS to do all the work for you!! All you have to do is stand there commenting on previous adventures and remembering dead characters by staring at photos of them that look like they were taken from screenshots of the previous movies! Why not call it Indiana Jones and the Stroll down Memory Lane. Ahh yes...there's Brodie, and your Dad, and your whip...that you only used TWICE in 2 hours! Where was the Indy that actually made things happen...the Indy with a CHARACTER? All you did was give me expositional backstory for half the movie, then the other half you just kept asking an old guy what to do next! I would have rather eaten some of those bad dates from that evil, Nazi monkey. And speaking of monkeys....since when do monkeys randomly attack Russians. And what's with the prairie dogs, really? And a nuclear blast? That scene wasn't neccessary or entertaining at all. And for God's sake....ALIENS????!!! WHA-- WHO-- HOW-- WHA--!!!

Much apologies, my friend. I have much emotions over this matter, and much confusion as well. We live in two differents worlds you and I. I reside in the world of good Indiana Jones adventures...and you reside over there, on the other side of that shark that you jumped over, on the back of a motorcycle with your Fonz look-alike son.

So Thank you again, my friend, for not including me on your alien adventure, and leave me out as well for your Quest for the Happiest Leprechaun, or your Expedition for Unicorn Island. When your next adventure is Indiana Jones and the Better Screenplay, contact me.
I still have my job reminding people to wear thier safety restraints while in the Temple of the Forbidden Eye.

Your grateful friend, Sallah

I was fortunate enough this year to visit both my mothers on Mothers' Day.

I visited my birth mother first in the morning. I made her breakfast in bed, we watched an edited version of 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back' on TBS, the SuperStation, then I gave her a card that I made. It said, "Thanks for giving me life... I appreciate it! " Then I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, and the guards escorted her back to her cell. It was a lovely morning.

Then it was off to see my second mom. Technically she's not my 'real mom', but she raised me since I was an infant, so to me, she is my mother. She and my "brothers" live far from the city so it took a few hours to drive out to the woods. I parked my stationwagon and continued for 3 more hours by foot. I finally found their place. It was just as I remembered it. The stone walls, the fresh pine scent, boney carcasses lining the floor....I was home.

Suddenly, I was attacked from behind. Claws ripped into my back flesh and I let out a terror scream of pain. I fell to the ground, unable to breathe. But then I saw her. My mom! She must have not recognized my scent! But after a few seconds she saw it was me, and as I writhed in pain on the ground, she lifted her back leg and released a liquid-y "hello" onto my jacket. (I know that may seem gross to some of you, but every family has rituals, and it's not polite to judge our beliefs).
So my mom licked my wounds for a while, my pack brothers showed up, then I gave her my mothers' day gift... a fresh mule deer kill that I did with my bare hands. It was a little awkward because one of my brothers, MoonShadow, ALSO gave mom a kill, but mine was a day fresher. MoonShadow has always been a jerk to me, because I'm an "outsider" he says. I think he's jealous because I have opposable thumbs and I know how to make tools and stuff.
I nuzzled my mother goodbye and then headed straight to Rite-Aid to get some bactine and band-aids for the deep lacerations in my back.

I love my moms and I can't wait until next Mother's Day...next year I may even introduce them to my wife.

The CastIron Gentleman - Talkie Film Review

Written by Samuals D. Stutenberger, May 12 1923.

Well fellow readers, I wouldn't be feeding you a line or slinging hooey, if I announced to you that now my lookin' balls have seen EVERYTHING. I took in a motion picture the other night that was simply a sight to be seen. It was an assault on my senses, and would you believe it, it had sound AND color! I am of course speaking about the adventures of the Chap made of Iron. "Poposterous" you say? "A fly-boy made of solid Steel? Hah! Tell it to Sweeney!" No, I ain't splifficated, I know my onions! This Ironclad fella is the Real McCoy.
Me and my girl were getting fried on the giggle water last Friday night and decided to take in some flickering celluloid at the local petting pantry. As the lights went down, my cuddling Jane sidled over into prime necking territory. As I caressed the doll, I thought to myself..."Now your on the Trolley, ol boy! You sure are the Sugar Daddy, Samuals! Attaboy!"
But then the film started cranking. I piped down as the screen came to full blown life with explosions, fire, sound from all angles! My dame wanted to sit pretty in my arms, but my eyes were glued to the silver screen. This CastIron Gentleman could stop any caper from happening using only his iron and know how. Never in my years have I ever seen anything like it! Not even Chaplin could perform the feats of this Iron Fella! I kicked the bearcat outta my arms and told the bird to beat it. I knew I could collect the cash on that chassis anytime I wanted, CastIron Chap was the cat's whiskers right now...and How!
I stayed in the theatre through all four reels and after it was over, I tried to hide so I could catch the next showing, until the establishment bimbo gave me the bum's rush.
Now I ain't usually one to beat my gums about a particular moving picture, but make sure to stamp all ten toes down to the picture house and view the adventures of this magnificent Iron Gentleman. It hits on all sixes!

Samuals D. Stutengerber (above) is a time traveling motion picture celluloid reviewer for the Daily Mirror.

Helpful Advice from Phillip

If your a frequent reader of this blog, you know my main goal is to help people. I am like an internet Oprah. Honestly, I get a lot of mail from people asking for guidance and I just don't have the time to help everyone...let me rephrase that, I don't have time to help anyone... except myself. I am not an internet Jesus. So I have hired some help. Oprah has Dr. Phil, and now I have Phillip...my new advice columnist. Some people may scoff and say "he's not old enough to be a doctor!" Well, actually he's not even old enough to drive. So there. But what he lacks in "knowledge", he makes up with advice. Let the healing begin.



-Dear Phillip,
I am a 44 year old woman with a steady boyfriend for the last 6 years. He wants to get married but I'm still not sure I want to. Is there something wrong with me?
- Confused Girlfriend

Dear lady,
OMG your sireously 44!!!!! That's oldir than my dad!! U cant get married now becuz that would be way gross. Tell your BF you want to be friends until u like die that way you never get married. And since your practikally in the grave anyway, it wont matter. P-man OUT!

-Dear Phillip,
My boss at work is very verbal when negatively responding to my ideas in front of my fellow co-workers. I try to shake it off but it's really been getting on my nerves recently. Overall, I'm a relatively shy person, so I'm not sure how to approach the situation. Any suggestions?
- Abused employee

Dear wussy,
Get a friggin backbone, u loser. Next time tell your boss to kiss it and then drop the people's elbow into his face! Then ask him whos the boss now?! Or get some numchucks. Did you see IronMan yet? Nobody messes with IronMan, becuz he's awesome!!!1 BOO YAH!

-Dear Phillip,
My stepson seems to be becoming more distant to me and his mother as time goes on. We are concerned because he spends a lot of time online and playing video games. Could this be the root of the problem?
- Concerned Parent

Dear Fake Dad,
Does he have a Wii? Or X-Box? My homey Dustin has a X-Box but it SUCKS!!!!!1 I have a Wii AND a PS3 which is awesome. The graphics are amazing and the game selection rocks. Your stepson should get GTA4. I dont have it yet but Dustins brother bought it becuz he has a fake id and he said you can kill anyone in the game. My burthday is coming so i'll probaly ask for it...and some of those shoes with the pop out wheels so i can skate around the mall. HELLA TIGHT!

Send in your questions to be personally answered by Phillip!

Update- with sent it questions...

Dear Phillip,

I was drawing my comic strip & accidentally dropped the pencil on the floor. I can't finish drawing the cartoon without it & now beside myself, what should I do?
-Butterfingered Cartoonist

Dear CartoonGuy,

Are u sireous??!!!1 Thats yer question? Sounds like somenbody accidentally dropped you once. You should maybe pick up your pencil, then stab yerself in the eye for asking a dum question. I drew a cartoon once. It was about me, except i was this robot with guns for hands that had to kill all the monsters on this other planet...It was probably the awesomest thing I've ever drawn.
P-Dogg

2001: An Inappropriate Golden Book