Earth Day Essay Contest!

In honor of Earth Day 2008, we here at Cooley! are holding an Earth Day Essay Contest. All entrants essays should be about conserving Mother Earth. This contest is open to ages 5 to 105 and the essay must be 800 words or less. The first place winner will recieve an awesome earth day prize and will have their essay posted here on Cooley! for the rest of the world to read. Good Luck!

UPDATE! WE HAVE A WINNER!
Congrats to Arton Wigbaldt from Wiltenburrow, Nebraska! His carefully constructed Mother Earth essay brought a tear to our eye and love to our hearts. Thanks to all who entered.

Arton Wigbaldt with his first place prize. A recycled computer setup.

Why Earth can bite me
by Arton Wigbaldt

Are you freaking kidding me? I gotta pay extra at the supermarket now for plastic bags because they take like 5 years to decompose in our landfills? I've had enough. I already waste enough time attempting to sort garbagey crap from recycable crap, but I'm not even gonna do that anymore. I'm sick of rooting through the trash like a freaking raccoon. I stopped going outside during the day because I couldn't take two steps without someone telling me to go "green". Well, I'll tell YOU where to go! If I hear that again, I'm gonna recycle my karate fists into your stupid, "green" face until it turns RED! you dumb idiot.
It's people like you enviornment jerks that make me hate Earth. Oh no, the globe is warming up??? Good!!! I hope it melts the icebergs and your hippie abodes fill with water! While you're drying out your birkenstocks, I'll be eating a rare venison steak while driving my mom's boyfriend's S.U.V. recklessly through a natural preserve, without a muffler! Knowing you earth-lovers get mad is why I now love to litter. What has Earth done for me anyhow? Nothing. I didn't choose to live here. The day my mom squeezed me out, this place was already a dump. Living on this planet is like permanently living in a crappy apartment in the worst part of town that I'll NEVER get the deposit back on, and somehow it's my fault. And the horrible bitch of a landlord that won't let me leave is Mother Earth. Well you can bite me, Mother Earth. Bite me.

Taun Taun Taa-Taas

This is quite possibly the nerdiest thing I've ever drawn. But I don't care. Regardless of that, it still sold at auction. So yes, I am a nerd for drawing it, but a bigger nerd forked over nerd cash for it.
And if you've never seen nerd cash in action, you've never been to ComicCon.

ADVERTISE HERE!

When I started this blog, I was under the impression that as soon as people started visiting my corner of the internet, the Benjamins would start rolling in. I was misinformed. So in order to pay my mortgage this month, I've had to rent out some blog space to some classified ads. Please patronize these advertisers so that I no longer have to eat dog food for dinner. Thank you.

FOR SALE

Twenty-three Black and White Panda Bears up for grabs. Want to show your kid you love'em? Why not do it with a panda? These bears are probably disease free and full of love...and beef jerky. These lil' bastards love beef jerky. Why am I selling 'em? What do you care, they're alive and cheap...mind your business. If interested, I've got'em all in my van, send me your address, I'll drive to you.
P.S.- Pandas in van may not look exactly like pandas in picture, but whatever, a panda's a panda.

MISSED CONNECTIONS
F/M I saw you on the subway Friday morning, you complimented my skirt then proceeded to swat at imaginary bees circling your head. You wore a torn, stained sweatshirt covered with a flannel shirt, covered with a rain jacket, covered with a snow vest. Your smell lingered as you exited the train while wildly ranting about the government and shouting obscenities. As the train pulled away, I watched through the window as you dove face first into a lidless trash can, mining for lost treasures.
If you somehow read this, I will be waiting at that trashcan tomorrow morning.

JOB LISTING
ISO Female actresses for "artistic" student film
Hey, do you live nearby? Are you a hot actress who wants to be a star in pictures, moving or not? I'm the director of a student film that needs 2, but preferably 3 really hot, like smoking hot, actresses who can act. My movie is like a futuristic fantasy set in renaissance times, and like these hot alien babes come to earth and mate with the king of the galaxy (who is a centaur), and his bodybuilding brother. I will play the king... and probably his brother too. Email me your headshot/measurements so I can judge your talent.
Please have a sexy look something in the vicinity of this.

Still MORE! Inappropriate Golden Books

New Tongue in Cheek

What a weekend. I spent it sitting on a lawn chair in my living room with my mouth full of ice cubes. I had myself some oral surgery and the ice was to help the swelling go down....and the lawn chair was because while I was having surgery, someone came and stole all my furniture. Other than that, the procedure went great. Even my doctor Barry said, "I imagine a tongue transplant can't be too difficult." And he was right. I'm lucky I found the right doctor for this procedure. Thanks Craigslist!

Let me back up. I've had the same tongue for as long as I can remember. And at first things were great. When I was a kid I'd look at stuff on the ground and wonder, "what's THAT taste like?" and then my tongue would lick it. It was perfect...for a while. The problems started when I was in high school. While kissing my girlfriend one day, all the sudden my tongue wanted to get in on the action, and tried to enter HER mouth. She freaked out and called me a 'pervert', then stormed off. As she left I tried to explain it wasn't me it was my tongue, but it came out "OH YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!" I couldn't believe my tongue could do that to me. From then on, whenever a pretty lady walked by there was the constant drooling, whistling, and panting. It was embarrassing.
Worst of all was the way my tongue would just lay around in my mouth all day. Just sitting there staring at the back of my teeth, like a bum. I would try to form words when speaking to someone but my tongue refused to move.

Then of course, there was his alcohol problem. It got ugly.

Well, a couple weeks ago I wake up and my tongue was passed out in my head, from his Spring Break in Cancun. That's when I saw it. A long, metal barbell was sticking through a fresh, fleshy hole in MY cranium.

My tongue went and got itself pierced.

That was the last straw. So I found Doctor Barry on the internet, where all of life's answers are found. He specializes in procedures done in the back of his gutted ice cream truck, which eliminates the whole driving to the hospital problem. I asked Doctor Barry where he got my new tongue from, and he said "First of all, don't call me doctor, and second, where's the cash?" Ha Ha, that Barry.
I think my new tongue came from a religious, Mexican woman because since my surgery, I've been waking up in the middle of the night screaming, "EL DIABLO ESTA EN MI! EL DIABLO ESTA EN MI!" And I never knew how to speak Spanish before.

But even better news, I sold my old, crappy tongue for $50!

Gracious Craigslist-o!

Inappropriate Golden Book Auction Art

I painted these for an art auction coming up at work. I've been drawing on the computer a lot recently, like robots do, so I went actual media for these, like cavemen do. I broke out my dried-up Bob Ross paints, and mixed them with the tears from a litter of orphaned kittens, (it makes the colors very vibrant) and applied the tear-paint with my brushes made of angelhair (not the pasta, actual angel hair). But that painting didn't turn out right, so I used gouache instead.

My brilliant wife had the idea to incorporate the infamous design of the Golden Book spine onto the mat of the pieces. Here's some close-ups of the mats.

My Future Visit

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been just a little crazy. I'm trying to play catch-up with my email and taxes and stuff because I've been gone for 17 years. I have this rare condition that kicks in whenever I bump my head like on a cabinet door, or when I lie down for a nap and sleep past 5pm, or when I put on someone else's prescription glasses. The scientist that does tests on me thinks that the electrons in my brain rapidly change from one energy state to another in a single continuous jump and my subconscious randomly stops somewhere along my cerebral timeline. So without getting too technical...It's easy for me to accidentally time travel. It's really annoying. Especially when I keep going back to the 80s. Ugh, it's awful.
This time I was playing with my little niece who hit me on the head with a plastic sand shovel. I fell straight back, landing hard on the Gymboree coloring table, my eyes rolled back into my skull, then it was bye bye 2008, hello year 5065 A.A. (After Apocalypse). It's rare that I fall into the future so this was kinda interesting.


SPOILER WARNING! If you don't want to hear about what happens in the future, read no further.

Scroll Down.....



The future is kinda boring. It's not like in the movies. The future has newer, shinier stuff, but everything is mostly the same as it is now. The HoverCars still run on gas, PoliceBots occasionally brutally beat the innocents, and our Earth's master commander and Supreme leader, Kurlan 5, is still at war with Iraq. I was pleased to see however that Blu-rays are still the preferred, popular format for home viewing of movies. Yes!
So I pretty much just walked around for a while, then got bored. So I decided to come back to 2008. In order to travel through time again, I have to befriend someone without telling them who I am, and help them through a problem that teaches them a life lesson. It's exactly the plot of Quantum Leap. Don't ask why, that's just how it works. So I helped free some enslaved Mercurian children and taught them about the gift of sharing, and I jumped back to 1991.
I was tired of helping people so i just decided to relive 17 years of my live again. I knew what was going to happen anyway, so it was a cakewalk. And now I've finally caught back up to where i was before.

Time to spank my niece. This plastic shovel should do the trick.