New Tongue in Cheek

What a weekend. I spent it sitting on a lawn chair in my living room with my mouth full of ice cubes. I had myself some oral surgery and the ice was to help the swelling go down....and the lawn chair was because while I was having surgery, someone came and stole all my furniture. Other than that, the procedure went great. Even my doctor Barry said, "I imagine a tongue transplant can't be too difficult." And he was right. I'm lucky I found the right doctor for this procedure. Thanks Craigslist!

Let me back up. I've had the same tongue for as long as I can remember. And at first things were great. When I was a kid I'd look at stuff on the ground and wonder, "what's THAT taste like?" and then my tongue would lick it. It was perfect...for a while. The problems started when I was in high school. While kissing my girlfriend one day, all the sudden my tongue wanted to get in on the action, and tried to enter HER mouth. She freaked out and called me a 'pervert', then stormed off. As she left I tried to explain it wasn't me it was my tongue, but it came out "OH YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!" I couldn't believe my tongue could do that to me. From then on, whenever a pretty lady walked by there was the constant drooling, whistling, and panting. It was embarrassing.
Worst of all was the way my tongue would just lay around in my mouth all day. Just sitting there staring at the back of my teeth, like a bum. I would try to form words when speaking to someone but my tongue refused to move.

Then of course, there was his alcohol problem. It got ugly.

Well, a couple weeks ago I wake up and my tongue was passed out in my head, from his Spring Break in Cancun. That's when I saw it. A long, metal barbell was sticking through a fresh, fleshy hole in MY cranium.

My tongue went and got itself pierced.

That was the last straw. So I found Doctor Barry on the internet, where all of life's answers are found. He specializes in procedures done in the back of his gutted ice cream truck, which eliminates the whole driving to the hospital problem. I asked Doctor Barry where he got my new tongue from, and he said "First of all, don't call me doctor, and second, where's the cash?" Ha Ha, that Barry.
I think my new tongue came from a religious, Mexican woman because since my surgery, I've been waking up in the middle of the night screaming, "EL DIABLO ESTA EN MI! EL DIABLO ESTA EN MI!" And I never knew how to speak Spanish before.

But even better news, I sold my old, crappy tongue for $50!

Gracious Craigslist-o!

Inappropriate Golden Book Auction Art

I painted these for an art auction coming up at work. I've been drawing on the computer a lot recently, like robots do, so I went actual media for these, like cavemen do. I broke out my dried-up Bob Ross paints, and mixed them with the tears from a litter of orphaned kittens, (it makes the colors very vibrant) and applied the tear-paint with my brushes made of angelhair (not the pasta, actual angel hair). But that painting didn't turn out right, so I used gouache instead.

My brilliant wife had the idea to incorporate the infamous design of the Golden Book spine onto the mat of the pieces. Here's some close-ups of the mats.

My Future Visit

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been just a little crazy. I'm trying to play catch-up with my email and taxes and stuff because I've been gone for 17 years. I have this rare condition that kicks in whenever I bump my head like on a cabinet door, or when I lie down for a nap and sleep past 5pm, or when I put on someone else's prescription glasses. The scientist that does tests on me thinks that the electrons in my brain rapidly change from one energy state to another in a single continuous jump and my subconscious randomly stops somewhere along my cerebral timeline. So without getting too technical...It's easy for me to accidentally time travel. It's really annoying. Especially when I keep going back to the 80s. Ugh, it's awful.
This time I was playing with my little niece who hit me on the head with a plastic sand shovel. I fell straight back, landing hard on the Gymboree coloring table, my eyes rolled back into my skull, then it was bye bye 2008, hello year 5065 A.A. (After Apocalypse). It's rare that I fall into the future so this was kinda interesting.


SPOILER WARNING! If you don't want to hear about what happens in the future, read no further.

Scroll Down.....



The future is kinda boring. It's not like in the movies. The future has newer, shinier stuff, but everything is mostly the same as it is now. The HoverCars still run on gas, PoliceBots occasionally brutally beat the innocents, and our Earth's master commander and Supreme leader, Kurlan 5, is still at war with Iraq. I was pleased to see however that Blu-rays are still the preferred, popular format for home viewing of movies. Yes!
So I pretty much just walked around for a while, then got bored. So I decided to come back to 2008. In order to travel through time again, I have to befriend someone without telling them who I am, and help them through a problem that teaches them a life lesson. It's exactly the plot of Quantum Leap. Don't ask why, that's just how it works. So I helped free some enslaved Mercurian children and taught them about the gift of sharing, and I jumped back to 1991.
I was tired of helping people so i just decided to relive 17 years of my live again. I knew what was going to happen anyway, so it was a cakewalk. And now I've finally caught back up to where i was before.

Time to spank my niece. This plastic shovel should do the trick.

And More Inappropriate Golden Books

a LOST letter

Dear LOST,

Hey. It's me...How are you? It's been a while. Well....you look good. I mean things seem to be going well for you. I mean your ratings continue to be really good...your really doing well for yourself, and that makes me happy, because you know I always wanted you to be happy, so....yeah. That's great, just great.
Look I know this is a tad awkward but um,... things were left a little unclear and I just wanted to explain. You see,...I'm just going to say it,...

I've been seeing other shows.

A good friend set me up with the entire series of The Wire on dvd, and we've been spending a lot of time together. A lot of emotionally satisfying hours. I'm not saying this to try and hurt you, you know that. You and I spent days together watching both your first two seasons on dvd and I really liked you...in fact, I guess I almost loved you. But you turned a corner in your third season, I felt like you were stringing me along....

I felt... lost.

I needed to know where you saw us going together, but every week all you kept giving me was more questions....and it pushed us apart. I needed answers.
I turned to other shows for fulfillment that I'm not proud of. American Gladiators, Top Chef, Jon and Kate plus 8. Gawd...it sickens me. Don't think of me as a tv whore. I'm not. I just missed you so much. Then I saw The Wire. We were together for five seasons. I still love The Wire, but it's over between us....because the series is over. But more importantly, it wasn't you.
I have to admit, my wife has still been watching you every week, and when she tells me you are on, I scoff at how "ridiculous" you are, and how "your writers are pulling your story outta their butt". But as I sit there pretending to read my magazine, I watch you from the corner of my eye...and then a tear forms in it. I want to see you again.

I want back on the island.


If you'll take me back I'll be waiting in front of my tv on Thursday at 9pm. If something else is on, I'll understand.

Just know that Oceanic Flight 815 is not lost...it has crashed onto the lonely island, that is my heart.

The Last Unicorn on Earth

AFTERWORKS 3 IS COMING!

Here's the first 2 pages from my graphically- novelcated story ( comic ) that will be in AfterWorks 3, due out in the fall. My story is completely dialogue-less, except one page that is all dialogue.

More Inappropriate Golden Books

Don't worry, I'm making a real book of these for the next APE (alternative press expo). Your kids will love'em.