COOLEY!

'MOVIES R FUN' R ALMOST DUN!!

2011-11-30T23:55:00.000-08:00

Holy Hasselhoff! After printing 1000 copies of Movies R Fun a little over a year ago, we are down to the last 99! And more orders are on their way out the door right now. What does that mean? That means if you want one, or 99, put your order in very soon. Holiday orders are already coming in. And there are no plans to print more. That's right, YOU (and 999 of your closest friends) will own a copy of Movies R Fun from this limited run, if you order now.

Not only will you be more smarter after reading Movies R Fun, you'll be a part of the elite crowd as well. Look at all these high class people who have reaped the benefits of owning a copy of Movies R Fun.

- Men relaxing on leather couches

- Blind ladies in bikinis

- Attractive people in stock photography

- Furries

- The world's top dramatic actors

- Ol' timey gents

- Santa Claus

- Michael Jordan

Order today and be the talk of the town!

DISCLAIMER: Ordering book today may not make you the talk of the town.

SMALL FRY

2011-11-23T11:41:00.000-08:00

If you've had your eyes open at all over the past month, you may have noticed there is a new Muppet movie coming out. The Muppets are on every magazine cover, every tv show, public bus shelter ad....it's awesome. And I saw the movie and it's great. I already want more Muppet movies.

And attached to the front of The Muppets is a new Toy Story Toon I had the pleasure of working on, Small Fry. Directed by Angus Maclane.

So go check it out. Because let's be honest, watching the Muppets in a theater full of strangers would be more entertaining than watching your horrible family shovel hunks of turkey into their gaping, gravy holes.

(Ugh, I apologize. That last sentence just ruined Thanksgiving for me too.)

Small Fry

TRICKSTER!

2011-07-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

I'll be there THIS SATURDAY from 2-4 pm signing copies of Movies R Fun (very close to being sold out), a selection of prints from the book, and 54 International Cuties cards.

I'll also be at Comic-Con across the street dressed as an imperial stormtrooper. First female Con attendee to smack my hard plastic bottom and growl into my helmet "You've got the droids I'M looking for!" gets a free corndog!

I am Jack's new Inappropriate print.

2011-07-14T01:10:00.000-07:00

Here's one I've been wanting to do for a while, and a good reason to do it now has come up.

A good friend of mine and the Cooley family, Jeff Tomczek, was recently diagnosed with Leukemia. More specifically, one of the toughest and most tenacious types of Leukemia, the ALL Philadelphia strand, at the age of 27. The next couple of years of chemotherapy, medications, blood tests, and transfusions will be tough and expensive. But here's your chance to help. All proceeds from my Fight Club prints (One of Jeff's favorite movies) will go towards Jeff's medical bills to help him beat this.

The Limited Edition print, 13x19 print, and a 8.5x11 print are all available NOW in the Cooley Store! So please break the first rule of Fight Club and TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS! Your purchase goes to an extremely important cause PLUS you get a print out of it.

"Hey Cooley! I hate Fight Club and/or your drawings SUCK!"

Okay, you hate-filled, internet surfer. Thank you for the helpful criticism. Don't want a print but you'd still like to help?
Go HERE to learn more.

All joking aside, Thank you all in advance. Your support, whether it be thoughts, prayers, or donations are greatly appreciated.

Scooby Doo: The COOLEY! episodes

2011-04-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

I love me some Scooby Doo. And my all time favorite episodes are the ones with the guest stars that help Scooby and gang solve the mystery.

Remember the episode where Batman and Robin show up and they stand around a campfire warming their crotches?

Pure entertainment. Or the episode where the Harlem Globetrotters show up and they all stand around laughing with a guy selling hot dogs?

Classic.
So I was thinking about who I would want as the guest stars if I was directing Scooby Doo.

Don Draper

HitGirl

Dr. Zaius

Kim Kardashian

Anton Chigurh

Who else would you like to see in a Cooley episode?
Leave it in the comment section, and if I pick your suggestion, I'll credit you and draw it up.

Oh, BOY!....

2011-04-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

I've illustrated my excuse for lack of posts and the slowdown in store order deliveries recently.

NEW prints available!

2011-01-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

Straight from the "Is This Thing On" show at Gallery 1988 in Los Angeles, artists paying tribute to top stand up comedians.

Now available HERE!

Steve Martin in The Jerk

Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

Pretty girls dressed like superheroes, not moving = Nerd drawings!

2011-01-18T23:34:00.000-08:00

Went to Dr. Sketchy's tonight with my 2 Matt friends. Matt and Matt. (I make sure to always have 2 friends with the same name. I do that in case one cannot fulfill their duties, or is impeached.)

This model dressed like Black Cat. For those who don't know, Black Cat is a Marvel character who's normal name is Selina Kyle. She was bitten by a radioactive kitten, so when she gets really angry she turns into Black Cat.

She also dressed like Zantana. Zantana is a DC character who often fights Wolverine with her lasso of truth. She is also the mother of Galactus.

(I can already feel the nerd rage I'm going to hear for typing those sentences.)

The End.

IS THIS THING ON?- G1988

2010-12-23T12:29:00.000-08:00

If you're at Gallery1988 in LA on Friday, January 7th, 2011 from 7-11pm....

smack me on the hind-end and say "Hiya Sweet-tush!" I've got a couple of arts that I made in IS THIS THING ON?, 100 artists paying homage to comedic superstars.
It's presented by Funny or Die! Check out my Steve Martin piece HERE on Funny or Die!

I just twited, I mean, I twit now....is that right?

2010-12-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

For those of you who like to read, but not too many words at a time....(I understand, you are very busy)....I joined the Twitter.
So now my mini-brain fart thoughts that just evaporate into the ether and contemplated by no one, can now be mentally sniffed by the entire planet!

"Why would you join Twitter, you stupid sell-out!?" you ask. Well first off, the name calling can stop. Not cool. And secondly, I don't know, I thought it'd be fun. Especially since I recently bought a monkey who wears glasses and I want him to tweet for me.

My twitter name: CooleyUrFaceOff

This post was written before a live, studio audience.

2010-11-23T21:29:00.000-08:00

Seriously. I'm trying something a little different this time. I redesigned my living room to look like a sound stage, and filled it with a random 150 lucky studio audience members who are sitting here right now watching me type this. (There's video prove that I'm not lying below, just wait) Why are they so lucky? Well... everyone in the audience AND everyone on the internet reading this blog post will receive....

MY FAVORITE THINGS!!!

Alright, settle down, settle down... y'all is excited, ain't you! Well, you should be. I don't like to brag about how good a person I am, but if you ask anyone about me (besides the people that hate me) they would say that I'm a giver...an extremely generous, sexy giver. And it's true. I give so much, that I make nuns envious...which is a sin. That's how good of a person I am. But I can't help it.
If 'giving' is a disease, than I've got 2-3 months left to live, and you ALL are in my will.
So let's do it. You are each going to receive my favorite things that I can't live without. First up...take a look at this.... A white, polycarbonate plastic SPORK!

I know what you're thinking..."how can I afford to give away so many sporks?" Well, I use to spend a lot of time eating at Taco Bell, eating in prison mess halls, and eating Hungry-Man dinners at home...alone. And I've collected them from all of my meals...for you. So throw out all your useless metal forks and spoons, and enjoy a taste of soup and a bite of lasagna from the same utensil!

So here's a question for y'all....who wants some OXYGEN!!!!!!

Now I have been inhaling oxygen since I was a baby, and believe me when I say...this is some good stuff, right here. I love it. And you are ALL going home with a mason jar full of only the finest. A perfect gift for the person who has everything.

Next, everyone reach under your seats where there is a pair of glasses for you to put on so you can enjoy....some 3D BARBECUE CHICKEN!!

Everyone loves barbecue chicken and now you can FINALLY enjoy it in 3 dimensions! This state-of-the-art entree dinner by Sony can be enjoyed by the entire family, because 3D makes EVERYTHING better. And of course, every 3D Barbecue chicken comes with a 3D side of CORN!!!

And for my final favorite thing, y'all know how much I love people, right? I got a small person living at my house that I made and it's just so awesome to get to name something. So everyone today is going home...with A HUMAN CHILD!!!

You are welcome.

The Inception

2010-10-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Did you see 'The Inception'? I did. Like 8 times. Not by choice, I was accidentally locked in a movie theater after I ran inside to evade these bully middle school kids that chase me home everyday after work. But that's a whole different story.
The real question is : Did you know The Inception is real?
Now, I'm a sane person. I've never been institutionalized. I've never been on any type of medication. So it's safe to believe me and accept it as fact when I say that major corporations have been trying to infiltrate my dreams and steal my thoughts/secrets for years. Which major corporations you ask? Ever hear of Morgan Stanley? Colgate? McGraw-Hill? Revlon? National Football League? Phillip Morris International? J-Crew? to name a few. I am on constant alert 34 hours a day/ 19 days a week for dream thieves hired by corporations trying to crack my cerebral brain parts. How do I prevent this from happening?

Just like in the Inception, I have a totem. Every morning when I wake up, I reach under my pillow and grab my totem: a .44 Magnum handgun. I fire it 6 times into the ceiling. The above neighbors don't like it and my wife prefers the alarm clock for waking, but if broken plaster falls in my face I know it's real. But if I fire my gun and bubbles or a rainbow shoots out, I know I'm still dreaming and the Weight Watchers corporation may be trying to steal my secret recipe for Mac and Cheese. (the secret is using Mountain Dew instead of Milk)

But the other day I fell asleep while watching The Inception on a plane. Bad idea, of course, because for some reason "The Man" won't let me bring my totem onto a commercial flight. What is this?! Russia?!!
Here's what happened:

I fell asleep watching The Inception.

I dreamt I was watching 'El Encepcion' (the spanish language version), and then fell asleep again...in my dream. A dream within a dream.

In my second dream level, I was in a cage-match fight to the death with Bob's Big Boy.

He body slammed me which knocked me into dream level 3, where I was forced to go to my high school prom again, with a Victoria's Secret model who had the head of ALF.

The possibility of maybe getting some action at my prom (FINALLY!), made me light headed and I passed out, knocking my head on the gym floor, which brought me down into my version of LIMBO...where I've been spending the last 50 years in my mind, back at my worst job ever. Behind the counter at a video rental store, renting soft-core porn to creepy dads.

So if you see a guy with a goatee asleep on a plane, it's probably me. Please hit me very hard in the face with all your might. That should be a strong enough kick to bring me out of limbo, back up through the dream levels and back to reality. After I awaken, I may act a little startled, but all you have to say is "I brought you back" and I'll understand. I will give you a big hug and a monetary reward.

What, Me Cooley?

2010-10-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Being a huge MAD magazine fan my entire life, I was excited to meet Tom Richmond, MAD artist extraordinaire/super nice guy. Tom drew this caricature of me, which is now one of my favorite art pieces that I own.

Time to throw out these old Al Hirschfeld drawings....no wait, they're recyclable.

Check out Tom's awesome blog, chock full of hilarious-ness. It's blog-tastic!

http://www.tomrichmond.com/blog/

You Damn, Dirty...

2010-10-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

APE! (The Alternative Press Expo!)

I'll be there this weekend sharing table 330 with my good friends, Scott Morse and Bill Presing, and with my mortal enemies Jim Capobianco, Jennifer Chang, Daniela Strijleva, Katy Wu, and Jeff Pidgeon.

I'll have copies of MOVIES R FUN and the 54 Intercontinental Cuties playing cards available, a small selection of prints, a selection of stolen car parts, illegal exotic pets, and a cure-all miracle tonic to heal what ails you.

Cash only please, unfortunately I can no longer accept kisses as payments. Let's just say there was an "incident".

Bad Movie Idea of the day

2010-09-14T16:32:00.000-07:00

Was sitting at lunch the other day with friends playing a common game among story artists... thinking up "bad movie ideas that you could actually see getting made". This concept is so high (drug reference pun intended), it needed to have a poster made for it. And don't ask why Clint Eastwood is in the movie...he just is, it was a bad career choice.

Sold out.

2010-08-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

(I took this picture at Target. Which just strengthens my argument that all you need is a red shirt to work there.)

UPDATE:

I received a phone call from Frederick T. Target, the CEO of Target, informing me that the pretzels in the display case are in fact, fake plastic pretzels. I asked what would happen if I ate one. He said I would throw up fake plastic vomit. Makes sense.

54 Intercontinental Cuties in store now!

2010-08-16T00:11:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is your captain speaking...
We here at cooleycooley.com airlines want to thank you for your patience. We left you sitting on the tarmac for a bit while final inspections were being made, but now we have been cleared for takeoff. Once airborne, our lovely stewardesses will advance down the aisle offering you a beverage and a deck of 54 Intercontinental Cuties playing cards. These cards, created by 2 artists who are fans of the female form, are offered at $25 and will definitely keep you occupied while flying with us. And YES, that means internationally too.

One of the female air traffic controllers in the tower just flashed me, which means we are cleared for departure. So sit back, relax, and crack open a new deck of cards. And from all of us at cooleycooley.com airlines..."Thank you for flying with us."
Destination: SEXY TIME!

Cards available HERE!
www.cooley.bigcartel.com

Happy Shark Week?....

2010-08-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

...more like "Happy End of Humanity." I couldn't believe that the other day, someone actually muttered those words at me... "Here's your ticket, next time keep it under 50 while in a school zone....and Happy Shark Week."

PFfft. Shark Week. Are you friggin' kiddin' me?!

Who's idea was it to throw a week long celebration for the ocean's number one terrorist?! We only celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King for a single day, and he NEVER bit anyone's legs off. The fact that we acknowledge the shark by wasting valuable television viewing hours is a sin. Think about it...sharks have never been associated with anything good...

Jumping the shark

Bad Trapper Keeper Art

The San Jose Sharks

Great White

Shark Tale

Bottom line is sharks need to go. NOW. They are godless, killing machines that enjoy chewing off the limbs of the best kind of women we have: the ones in bikinis.

BP has the right idea. How much more oil do we need to dump into the ocean to kill these bastards?

I know what you're thinking. "Wow, Mr. Cooley. You really hate sharks. I think maybe you are afraid of sharks..." Your damn right, I am. And you should be too. Sharks are fast, they have 5 billion rows of killing teeth, and they love blood. Human blood. That's the kind inside us. And they'll use all their teeth to get to it. Here's some other facts about sharks that should terrify you...
- Sharks never sleep
- Sharks can see almost 360 degrees, and into your soul
- After a shark kills you, it will steal your identity, charging all your credit cards and ruining your credit score
- Sharks are better at playing pool than you think
- "Jaws" was a documentary
- Oh yeah, and now apparently, sharks can FLY! OUT OF WATER! IN THE AIR!

The second I saw that Planet Earth video of that massive shark getting a 50 foot vertical and bringing down a helicopter, I sped over to my old junior high school and punched my science teacher in the face. Why wasn't I warned about this?? SHARKS ARE FLYING, PEOPLE!!! THIS IS NOT OKAY!!
How long until they just leap out of the oceans and into our homes, feasting on everyone inside?!!

Answer: Soon...and we are running out of time. These water terminators are evolving way too quickly. What's next for the flying shark? Legs? Yes. Washboard abs? Definitely. Two tickets to the gun show?

We are screwed.

MOVIES R FUN! R AVAILABLE!

2010-07-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Movies R Fun is available in the Cooley store, and have been discounted from $5,000,000 to a measly $35. There's not a whole bunch left. I did an initial small print run, and the book did well at Comic-Con, so get'em while they're hot. For those that haven't held one in their hands, the book is hard-bound with that thick cardstock that kids' books have so that children can chew on the pages. And I will hand sign each order. Specify the name you would like it signed to if you want.

Also, I have a select few 13x19 Big Lebowski Jesus, Comic-Con Exclusive prints left as well that are in the store. They are hand signed and numbered, and when they are gone, they are gone.

Here's a better look at them, as modeled by a guy dressed as Jesus at Comic-Con.

More prints from the book will be appearing in the store soon.

UPDATE
ALSO.... The 54 Intercontinental Cuties playing cards will be available soon! I will post again when they are in the store.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled blogging nonsense.........

Annnnnd...we're back.

2010-07-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

Comic-Con 2010 is over.

Which of course means it's time to go back to being a freak in the privacy of our own homes. But I had a blast. It was great meeting all of you fellow blog readers and desecrating your purchases with my signature. Seriously though, the feedback was amazing, and I appreciate it.

And just to answer the questions I've been getting recently all at once...

- The USPS sucks. There have been crazy delays on the shipping of my prints. So now in the store we're offering PRIORITY shipping that will get you your items within a week of shipping says the shipping wizard. If you choose standard economy shipping, expect up to 4 weeks from ship date for delivery.

- Also, if you ordered prints after July 15th, they'll be shipping out this week (because of Comic-Con), thanks for your patience

-And FINALLY..........see the next post..........

It's on like Comic-Con.

2010-07-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

I am in San Diego now with 1,000,000 of my closest friends at Comic-Con. So if you have ordered a print recently and have not received a tracking number yet, please know that it may take an extra week on top of the snail's pace delivery of the US postal service, because I am away and unable to fill orders. I know it's taken a few of you a while to receive your prints through the mail, so thank you for your patience. Apparently the US postal service has gone back to delivering the mail via the pony express, and depending on bandit attacks or lightning storms or having to ford a river, it may take many moons to git yer purty hangin' pictures. But when I return next week, I will whip my child printmaking slaves faster for quicker service.

Thank you

WOO-HOO!

2010-07-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

They have arrived.

Bill and I WILL have the playing cards available for our Action Figure Freddy signing in San Francisco tomorrow, 7-10pm. I will also have a small number of Movies R Fun with me too, as well as prints.
Then after Comic-Con, my book, more prints, AND the playing cards will be available here at my store for those who can't muster the stinky, nerd funk of Comic-Con.

UPDATE: Lots of questions about prices...
Movies R Fun book- $30.... or a long 4 minute hug/embrace from Katy Perry
50 Intercontinental Cuties playing cards- $25.... or a plate of hot corndogs and a side of candy corn... served by Katy Perry.

San Diego Comic-Con BOOTH 4800 and ACTION FIGURE FREDDY signing

2010-07-13T23:39:00.001-07:00

Attention stalkers,
next week you can find me at the San Diego Comic-Con Booth 4800 alongside Bill Presing, Scott Morse, and Jeff Pidgeon. In the program guide, the booth is listed as Red Window. I'll be there for the entire week with books, playing cards, prints, and original art/commissions.

And after the sun goes down, you might be able to find me in a nearby alley next to an unmarked van that may or may not have a selection of exotic animals for sale. I bet your apartment would look sweet with a baby leopard wandering about. What about your boring jacuzzi tub? I can get you a dolphin. Not boring anymore, is it?

DO NOT ask where the animals came from, it's not your business... cash only please.

Can't make it to Comic-Con? You can find me alongside Bill Presing at Action Figure Freddy in San Francisco, this Friday July 16th 7 to 10pm, signing prints and (god willing) pre-Comic-Con, advance copies of our playing cards (if they arrive by then). Action Figure fingers crossed.

"Let me tell you something (inappropriate), pendejo....."

2010-07-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

Been wanting to do a Jesus/Lebowski drawing for a long time. And since I just finished it, I'm making this a ComicCon exclusive print! It'll be similar to the 13x19 available here with the silver border design too. I'll also have the book, other prints from the book, the girly playing cards, and possibly larger girly prints from the cardset. I'll be a regular onestop-shop WalMart!
And for those not going to the con, any leftover Jesus prints will be available here when I return, as well as the book, cards...etc.

So if you are going to ComicCon, stop by Red Window Inc. Booth 4800. That is where I will be stationed, alongside fellow Pixar artists Scott Morse, Bill Presing, Jim Capobiano, and Jeff Pidgeon.

And make sure to tell me, I sent you!

54 Intercontinental Cuties!: The Process

2010-06-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share my working process for these cards and walk you through from initial sketch to final product. Here's how I did the playing card for Cuba.

STEP #1. Research.

Since this is a pinup playing card deck, I had to do the task of somewhere finding a photo of a sexy woman for reference. As you can imagine, this was practically impossible. There aren't pictures of beautiful women anywhere! I looked in magazines, books, advertisements, billboards, movies, calendars, tv shows, commercials, cereal boxes, newspapers, etc. If only there was some sort of world wide web that could be built for the sole purpose of sharing information around the globe, but instead of useful information, it would just have sexy lady pictures all over it, THAT would be useful right now. But instead I just took a photo of my smoking na-na and her conjoined twin. I'll make it work.

STEP #2. Macaroni and Cheese Bath.

You heard me right. There nothing more relaxing (or delicious) after a long day of research than a Macaroni and Cheese bath. I fill my tub with 10 gallons of boiling water, add macaroni from approximately 150 boxes of Kraft, let boil for 4 minutes then I open the drain to remove the water. Then I grab a shovel and mix in the 20 pounds of cheese powder and a 1/4 cup of milk.
Then I light some tea candles, disrobe, and it's Heaven. And the bath is over when I'm done eating all of it. This step can last up to 4 days.

STEP #3. Red Dead Redemption.

Because it's awesome.

STEP #4. Try to draw, but then doubt self and ability to accomplish anything.

REPEAT STEP #2 through STEP #4, build up a strong lather, rinse, and repeat.

STEP #5. Draw something that will have to do because you are running out of time.

STEP #6. Scan it into the fancy computer machine, and press the 'color' button. The computer does the rest for you.

Viola! You've made a playing card! Only 53 left to go!

Make sure to check out my comrade Bill Presing's playing card process. He doesn't go with the Macaroni and Cheese bath method, he's more of a Spaghetti-O's type.

Inappropriate Prints Speedy Delivery!

2010-06-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

Just a heads up, due to an overwhelming response of print orders, and technical difficulties (a.k.a. my computer with all the files on it spontaneously exploding in a fiery display that was both tragic and yet oddly beautiful)..... please allow 2-3 weeks for shipping. We will be working to get them out much sooner than that, but in the mean time thank you for your patience.

54 Intercontinental Cuties: The Package Design!

2010-06-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to show the box art for the girly playing cards I'm designing with Bill Presing, coming this July! Bill and I are REALLY excited about how these are turning out. And above is the rough design/ mock up of the box the cards are coming in. We knew from the get-go, we wanted to make 2 color cigarette box design packages for the cards to give it that "Grandpa's secret, naughty playing cards feel". Here's the dummy of what they will look like (without the art on it).

We thought about doing a flight attendant theme for the box since the cards each represent a different country, so Bill did these awesome drawings.

So here's a peek at the finished front and back design.

Lil' Inappropriate PRINTS!! now available!

2010-06-04T00:08:00.000-07:00

Attention COOLEY! shoppers,

The first run of prints from the soon to be released, "Movies R Fun" book are now available in the brand spanking new COOLEY store! The entrance to the COOLEY! store is in button form, and located to the right. Or visit www.cooley.bigcartel.com

Signed 8.5x11 prints are available AND also a fine selection of Limited Edition 13x19 signed and numbered prints, that have a super fancy illustrated border that is so awesome, it will make everything else you have hanging on the wall look like crap.

When the book is ready, you will be able to find it in the store, alongside more prints from inside the book.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask one of our friendly, under-paid sales associates and thank you for shopping at COOLEY!:the store.

Inappropriate Golden Books: THE BOOK! (UPDATE!)

2010-05-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

I've been having a lot of questions/inquiries about my golden book drawings recently, and I'm excited to say. YES! After 2 years of making them for fun, I finally compiled them, along with a couple new ones, into one place called a book. It's being printed as you read this in a magical land called "Hong Kong".
The book, "Movies R Fun" (part of the Lil' Inappropriate Book line) will be available at Comic-Con this year, hopefully APE in November, and here on my blog, alongside the 54 Intercontinental Cuties playing cards.
High quality, "classy" prints from the Inappropriate Golden Book will be available as well. Perfect for framing and placing into any child's nursery.

SPELLING UPDATE!

Thank you for all the coments about the accidental apostrophe that exists on my Silence of the Lambs drawing, and will exist in the book. I am ashamed. I come frum a long line of spellers. My grate, grate granfdather was the national spelling advisor to the Presedent of the United States, and his father before him wrote a little book you may have herd of called 'Webster's Dictionary", and his father before him invented the letter "K". So this horrible, unexcusable act has caused a unfixabull rift between me and my family, and needless to say, I've been ostrichsized. By law, I now have to go through town, whereing a rag of scarlet cloth in the shape of an apostrophe for all to see and judge me by. But I don't think this is write. How can one tiny, little, insignificant mark between a "t" and a"s" be that big a deel, when cats across the internet are writing 'i can has cheesburger' all the time? And 'all your base are belong to us'? And 'you've been P'WNED!!!!1' ? That last one has a NUMBER in the word! How is that OK? I die-gress. And appologize for the speling sin eye comited. Pleez knoo it whill haunnt mi sole fourever.
Tank ewe,
-Coolee'

MORE 54 Intercontinental Cuties!

2010-05-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

More Roughs from the upcoming playing card set with Bill Presing.

Note: Not all the cards in the set will be Queen of Spades...only about half.
(The Queen symbol is only a place holder)

More in previous post.

54 Intercontinental Cuties!

2010-05-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

How many times have you been playing a game of Crazy 8's or Go Fish with your Grandma, and wished you could be staring at sexy ladies instead? Well, ALACAZAM! Now you can do BOTH!

54 Intercontinental Cuties is a real playable deck of cards, with a unique pinup girl on each face representing a different country. The girly art was done by myself, Josh Cooley (visit cooleycooley.com, or don't, what do I care) and the Modern day Master of the Pinup, Bill Presing.

Bill asked me if I'd like to join him on this lil' project, which is like if you were a baseball fan...having Babe Ruth come up to you and ask if you want to draw a deck of girlie playing cards. So I said "uh...maybe". And we did. The cards will be ready in time for Comic-Con, and available on both of our blogs for sale.

So here's some rough ruffs from the card set. And before you send an angry email explaining to me that "Texas is not a country"... know that I just found that out. (Thank you Wikipedia) What can I say I'm a product of the California public school system.

More to Come!

You survived another year!....here's a card.

2010-04-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Here's a birthday card I drew yesterday for my Godzilla loving, good friend ....Derek Thompson.
Sure, it's ridiculous...but YOU KNOW you'd watch this if it were a movie..... nerd.

I wanna text you up!

2010-04-21T02:14:00.000-07:00

I'm speeding down the freeway and I keep seeing this in the cars next to me.

Texting

Are you serious? Typing with one finger on a tiny screen while traveling 80 mph? What are you some sort of a wizard? Or an idiot? You can't see anything on that tiny screen anyway. Drive with a laptop in your lap, like an adult....it's easier to type on.

Then I also keep seeing this!

Shaving

Driving with Butt

Ghostride the Whip

Having Surgery

Reading Braille

Deconstructing Hostess

2010-02-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

When I'm not lifting heavy weights over my head, or washing my boat in my driveway, or doing the dew...I like to complete other manly tasks. Like read my old comic books from when I was a kid. I have all the greatest superheroes adventures at my fingertips... Captain America (meets Mr. T), The adventures of Jimmy Olsen, Jughead and friends... the list goes on.
But there's one thing I HATE about my comics...the Hostess ads. Sure, the ads LOOK like more comics, and that's how they get you. Your reading about IronMan stopping a bankrobber and he gets the idea to use...TWINKIES!??? WHAAAA?? AH crap, it's an advertisement! Well these things suck and here's my proof. Your honor, may I present to the world wide court, exhibit A....

Okay....let's take this one panel at a time.

"Yes, what a lovely view, Peter. This is the most romantic brick wall I've ever stared at. It's so bricky!"
If Peter doesn't score with this blank slate tonight, then he's hopeless.

Whoa! A random act of....kinda...violence on Peter. I'm surprised they didn't steal his lunchmoney first. BUT THEN this cupcake ad takes a heavy turn...they grab Peter's dreamgirl promising to sexually assault her!....romantically.

Maybe now's not the time to worry about your identity, Peter. Your dreamgirl is being carried into the bushes.

WHAA!??? Cupcakes?? YOU ARE SPIDERMAN. You could distract them with cupcakes...OR YOU COULD DO SOMETHING AWESOME INSTEAD!!! You weren't bitten by a radioactive pastry!!!
( And why did you bring so many cupcakes in your picnic basket? That's way too many cupcakes for two people. Were you anticipating this?)

Holy crap, it worked. Apparantly, there's now TWO ways to stop a rapist. Mace, and cupcakes.

Wait...Spiderman made a webbed hottub for them to sit in while enjoying their sugary treats?? Why??

Congrats Peter! From your dreamgirl's point of view, you were in no way a part of this scenario, yet she still wants to make sweet, sweet love to you. Looks like Hostess just made your dreams come true....somehow.

Up nominated for Best Picture and Best Animated Picture!

2010-02-02T13:06:00.000-08:00

Yay! First time in history a movie has been nominated for both awards.

Congrats Story Squadron!

Back row, left to right: Brian Wright, Bill Presing, Enrico Casarosa, 'Our fearless leader' Ronnie Del Carmen, Josh Cooley, Tony Rosenast
Front Row, left to right: Justin Hunt, Nick Sung, Rob Gibbs, Bobby Rubio
Not pictured: Pete Sohn, Jamie Baker, Ken Bruce
All flying under the protection of Story Manager, Shannon Ryan

"Have you seen this... Inappropriate Golden Book?"

2009-12-16T22:46:00.000-08:00

El Bloggo Award!

2009-12-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

We want to congratulate the COOLEY! crew on our first blog award!

We are the 2010 recipient of the EL BLOGGO award in the category of Best Non-Pornography Entertainment Blog!
You will notice our award displayed proudly to the right.... forever.

Keep up the good work!

George and AJ- Update!

2009-11-19T10:59:00.001-08:00

While storyboarding on Up, I always thought it would be funny to see the extended reactions of the people who saw Carl's house fly away. I pitched the idea, and was fortunate enough to create 'George and AJ'. And now it's available to check out on Pixar's Facebook page HERE .

I recommend watching this after you've seen Up. It may make more sense. And if you haven't seen Up, go buy 2 copies. One for each eyeball!

update---

Now presented in glorious You-Tube-O-Rama!

Inappropriate Fellas

2009-11-09T00:18:00.000-08:00

Trick or Treat.... Your Mom!

2009-11-01T23:19:00.000-08:00

Had a great Halloween passing out candy to kids dressed like this....

While their mothers waited at the curb dressed like this....

I apologize children.

2009-10-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

I take back everything I said about you in my previous post. Please don't kill me.

Why I hate children.

2009-10-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

I don't hate children. I just thought that would be a funny title. But something needs to be done about today's meddling kids!

I was taking time to carefully back out of my driveway, when I heard yelling and a faint honking noise. I looked in the street, didn't see any cars coming....then I saw him, not 4 feet from my door. The neighbor boy, driving his Shelby Mustang Power Wheel, yelling at me for blocking the sidewalk. A third grader with road rage. His sister sitting shotgun, locked eyes with me, waved her fist in the air and shouted "move it, or lose it."

I sat there shocked for a second wondering why this kid has a nicer car than me, which was a second too long for him because he began ramming his front end into my side panel. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. Is this now considered an accident? Do we have to swap insurance information? Or should I just get out, pick up his Mustang and toss it into the bushes?

What is with kids today? At the risk of sounding like an old man, you kids suck. You brats have everything you could ever want at your fingertips and it's never enough. For example, Legos. I had Legos growing up. Colored blocks that came with instructions with no words on them. When I would cry to my mom that I had no friends... she would say "Yeah, but you've got a lot of Legos." But my Legos sucked compared to what they are today. Look at this. You like Legos? Yes. You like Star Wars? Double Yes! Well here you go....a Lego AT-AT, instant awesomeness.

So not fair. I would have given up my Otter Pop addiction to have this as a kid. I built a Star Wars AT-AT from SCRATCH once using pieces from all of my other non-Star Wars Lego sets, because STAR WARS LEGOS WEREN'T INVENTED YET!!! It was cool except that I had to use Legos from my pirate ship set, race car sets, and happy meal Legos...which meant I ended up with a multi-colored, rainbow AT-AT that looked like it belonged in the Hoth gay pride parade. A Gay-T AT.

I think we can all agree the blame for all the bratty children should be put on the internet. So on the count of 3, let's all pull our power-strips out of the wall without safely shutting down our computers. That'll show the world wide web who's boss. Ready? one...two...thre---

Dr. Sketchy's- Bunny Pistol

2009-09-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

Dr. Sketchy's = A figure drawing class with real LIVE burlesque dancers for models, with an open bar.

The only way you could make that better is if it was held at a Chuck E. Cheese. But that stupid rat with his high standards and judgements, WON'T ALLOW IN a drunk 30 year old with two of his female stripper friends. Well FINE, SIR! I shall take my business ELSEWHERE!

Went to Dr. Sketchy's on Monday, it was way to much fun for $10. The infamous Bunny Pistol was our model. Here's a couple drawin's with some Photoshop color love....

I am an Android-American.

2009-09-09T23:35:00.000-07:00

Just learned some interesting facts about my heritage from my Grandma. It turns out I'm Cuban, Irish, and a quarter Bionic. My Great-Grandfather, Hubert Von Cooley (on right) lost a bet while in a drunken stupor in 1894, and was under legal obligation to marry the local town robot. Her name was Lucille-5000 (on left). Hubert Von Cooley was the first to be called a "robo-sexual."
This is a picture from their wedding day.

This explains why I cry oil and my never-ending thirst to terminate.

Saw this today...

2009-08-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

A very important, uptight business man, waiting for the bus...and wearing a pair of neon flourescent, knock off 1980's Wayfarer glasses that had the words "Taco Bell" imprinted on the side. I couldn't stop laughing because I wore these when I was 8 years old.

I got them from inside a Taco Bell kids' meal.

Juggling Power!

2009-08-17T18:20:00.001-07:00

This happened the other day while I was playing with my 1 year old girl.

So I grabbed some of her plastic blocks to distract her.

Then I thought about what could happen if I hone this amazing power...

(Little known fact, Al Pacino is a huge juggling fan, according to a Wikipedia entry I wrote)

Mario Puzo's Inappropriate Golden Book

2009-08-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

Well I'm not smart... I'm like dumb. I have no concept of time. If I was going to have the book ready for APE, it should be at the printers already. I swear it's coming though. Stay tuned.

Another one....

2009-07-23T01:22:00.000-07:00

I can't stop. I think this is my favorite yet.

Inappropriate Golden Books...are back.

2009-07-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

Working on a new set of these. I'm shooting to have the book done by November for APE.

The Hoverboard Rumor

2009-07-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have heard of this before, and if you have, please chime in. Thanks to the internet, I was able to do some research and realize I am not the only gullible nerd on this planet.

The year : 1989.
The location : Television.

A young, innocent me was lying on the carpeted floor of my parents' living room, eyes glued to the miracle box that makes the pictures move. I was watching the first "making-of" program I'd ever seen, and it was about the movie magic being created for the upcoming Back to the Future sequel. I was blown away with excitement for the movie because I was (still am) a HUGE fan of the original, and the trailer looked amazing. Then the bomb was dropped.

Director Robert Zemeckis (on left) with Award winning actor, Roger Rabbit

The director, the guy who made the Original, who wrote the script, Robert Zemeckis, said the hoverboard sequence was fun to shoot because it was..... REAL.

I had to change my Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls when I heard that. "By the power of Grayskull...did he say what I thought he just said?" Then they showed shots from the movie of Marty McFly hovering around on a skateboard with no wheels...looking AWESOME!!!

I was 10 at the time and my brain had 2 thoughts. 1.Candy and 2.How can I be awesome. I needed a Hoverboard and I needed it NOW!

I ran into the other room and screamed at my parents.
Me: I want a hoverboard! I want a hoverboard!
My Dad (still reading his car magazine): Put it on your Christmas list.

And I did. It was number 2 on the list behind 1. Candy. I'm serious.

It wasn't until after Christmas, after months of doing nothing but wishing for a Hoverboard, that my Dad sat me down and gently explained that Hoverboards aren't real. "But I saw the guy on TV...he said...he said it was real! It had MATTEL printed on the bottom!" My Dad spent more time on this talk about Hoverboards not being real than he did telling me about the birds and the bees. Which I still have questions about.

Anyway, Fast forward back to the Future to a few days ago. I FOUND THE INTERVIEW. Thank you, World Wide Waste of time, now this can finally be put to rest in my head. And it turns out I'm not the only one who believed it. Lots of kids were sucker-punched with this bold face lie from Director Robert Zemeckis. But I don't hold it against him. If I were in the position to lie to a world of kids/fans and make them believe something stupid and feel like an ass about it later...I 'd probably do the same thing.
Enjoy suckers!

Burlesque Show Break!

2009-07-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

Remember to tip your computer screen.

High-Five and a Bitch-Slap!

2009-06-17T23:32:00.001-07:00

Time again to award something that's awesome, and shame something that sucks!

When the Egyptian food scientists build the Food Pyramid, they made a huge mistake and accidentally left off the best food group in the entire universe. Cotton Candy.

The ingredients....sugar, pink color, and air. The perfect food. Cotton Candy looks and tastes like it was handpicked out of a magical wizard's beard by giggling cloud fairies... and then put into a plastic bag by a carny, who most likely hasn't washed their hands in a month. (That's what gives cotton candy that gritty texture.) But whenever a food can also double as the name of an exotic dancer, you know it's good. (ex. Cherry, Ginger, Brandi etc.)

I was in the 2nd grade and I had to give a presentation about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Other kids said the usual...spaceman, lawyer, artist, drug mule.....my answer: Cotton Candy machine operator. It has to be the easiest/greatest job in the world. Let me illustrate the stress-free lifestyle of the CC machine operator.

1. You take a rolled up piece of paper

2.wave it inside this metal dealy...

3. VOILA!... cotton candy!

4. Collect Paycheck.

And everyone loves cotton candy. EVERYONE.
Even Academy Award Winning actor/Shawshank inmate, Morgan Freeman.

And if it's good enough for Morgan, it's good enough for me.
So, Congratulations Cotton Candy! You get a sticky-fingered HIGH FIVE!

Some nay-sayers claim eating cotton candy is bad for you. And I call these liars 'dentists'. Which brings me to the 2nd half of my post.

Put on this paper thin bib with these little clips, sit back in the uncomfortable chair and open real wide as I warm the back of my hand for the pain I'm about to unleash on the devil's work that some call......DENTISTRY!

Here's a true conversation I had with my dentist recently during an appointment.....

Dentist: See here?
(dentist was showing me my x-rays)
Me: You mean that blurry spot?
Dentist: yes. that's a cavity. it's tiny.
Me: But I brush and everything...
Dentist: yeah well....this cavity is inside your tooth, under your filling, so we'll have ta-
Me: Wait...WHAT? UNDER the filling? I have a cavity in a tooth that already has a filling in it?
Dentist: yup. So we'll have to drill out the old filling, then drill out the cavity, fill the cavity, then fill where the old filling was.
Me: Doc let me ask you something.
Dentist: go ahead.
Me: Let's say I'm an architect, I build expensive hotels for a living. I build a nice hotel for you, costs a lot of money. Then six months later, I come back to clean your nice hotel, and I say "looks like I didn't use the right kind of nails in the foundation of the hotel, so I'm gonna have to tear down the hotel to the foundation and rebuild it...and oh yeah, you're gonna have to pay me again to rebuild the hotel." I'd be a bad architect right?
Dentist: Right.
Me: I would deserve to be fired and never work again.
Dentist: Right.
Me: Good, I'm glad we both agree that you suck, and your medical degrees are worthless.

Back in the Wild West whenever someone had a toothache, they would run over to the barber/undertaker/dentist shack. The dentist would pull out a pair of rusty, horseshoein' pliers, and he'd get a couple of deputies to hold down the cowboy while he yanked out the tooth. And in 100 years, nothing has changed. Sure, it's evolved a little. There's a tube that can suck out your saliva...ooohhh big whoop....and I know some will say "well what about novocaine?" Well, what about it? I don't have faith in a painkiller when my dentist asks me to "let him know when it wears off"! It wears off? Well then, it doesn't f&@#%$ work! SHAME on you dentistry! And sending me a postcard on my birthday reminding me to "keep my winning smile on my big day" won't get you anywhere! Your going to need to make an appointment to spit and rinse after this--

and yet another CHILDHOOD DREAM...

2009-06-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

Police Beat! Part 2

2009-06-01T00:06:00.000-07:00

The exciting cop drama, Police Beat starring Officer O'Malley, continues with a compelling story ripped straight from the headlines.

MORE Childhood dreams!

2009-05-27T17:58:00.001-07:00

Childhood Dream

2009-05-11T09:08:00.001-07:00

Police Beat!

2009-05-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

Just put the finishing touches on my latest film that has taken me 4 and a half years to complete! I can't believe I'm finally done! I created the animation using a computer and my knowledge of cop dramatizations. It's called Police Beat, and it follows the crime-solving adventures of Officer O'Malley.
Enjoy!

The Loneliest Unicorn

2009-04-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

I finally finished my AfterWorks 3 comic! Here's the first half of the story, the rest will be published in AfterWorks 3. Sorry i don't have an answer yet as to when it'll be available, but it's going to be "punch your Mom in the face" awesome.

Interview with Minka Kelly (and Me)

2009-04-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

Minka Kelly (pictured above) with Me (not pictured)

I had some time to kill this weekend so I caught up on my magazine reading. I don't subscribe to magazines, that's for suckers. I like to drive to random dentists' offices, sit in their waiting rooms pretending to be a patient, and just read old magazine articles all day long. (Can you believe Jennifer Ansiton and Brad Pitt are breaking up? Who knew even celebrities have problems?)

I smoothly drifted into a real fancy dentist's office in the mall on Saturday that had recent, month old magazines. Jackpot! I kicked my shoes off, loosened my belt, opened my backpack full of tasty beverages, cracked open a Boones Farm Strawberry Hill, and started at page one of the most recent HEALTH magazine. I was in Heaven.

Before mall security could "escort me from the premises" (aka drag me kicking and screaming by pulling on my legs and jacket) through the use of "non-lethal force" (aka pepper spray and the sleeper hold) I read an amazing article/interview with my new pretend girlfriend, Minka Kelly.

more Minka Kelly (above) and Me (way below)

I've had lots of wife-sanctioned, "pretend girlfriends" in the past. Natalie Portman, Pamela Anderson (Not the Lee one), Monica Bellucci, Kelly Kapowski, every 20 year old female from Brazil, etc. But Minka Kelly is different because she is defintely the most recent.
I guess she's on some show, where she acts and stuff but who cares. She has a dog named Chewbacca and no lazy eye so she's a 10 in my book.
The interview with her was ground-breaking. Apparantly when she's not busy acting, she likes to workout, and eat healthy. Fascinating. And can you believe she has a sweet tooth? Wow. It's a compelling read.

I learned so much about Minka Kelly that I figured it would only be fair to reciprocate MY answers to the same questions HEALTH magazine asked her, back to her. And since I'm sure that she will eventually read my blog since she'll one day google herself (Minka Kelly) and come across my blog as having the most Minka Kelly hits, because I've typed her name, Minka Kelly, so many times, Minka Kelly, perhaps she (Minka Kelly) will see MY interview and want ME as her pretend boyfriend.....or at the very least, serve me with a pretend restraining order. So this is for you Minka Kelly, I think you'll like what you read.

And still yet more smiling Minka Kelly (on left) and Me (on far right)

HEALTH Magazine- What aspects of your health are you fanatical about?
COOLEY- I drink plenty of water. Doctors say your supposed to drink 8 glasses a day. I down 48 glasses a day, so I can live six times longer than the regular human life span. That means if I was supposed to die at 80, I will live until I am 480 years old. I'm like one of them tortoises....a thirsty, sexy tortoise.

HEALTH- You've been described as "simultaneously curvy and toned." Do you try for that?
COOLEY- Wow, is it getting hot in here? (laughs) or is it just me? (laughs for an awkward amount of time) Seriously though, I believe it was Yoda, the jedi master who said "There is no try, only do." I live everyday of my life by the words of that puppet.

HEALTH- What's your workout regimen?
COOLEY- I like to drive to the gym, take a half hour to change into my gym clothes (cutoff jeans and a muscle tee that reads "if you can read this, the bitch fell off!"), pretend to stretch (very important) while watching the TV mounted to the ceiling, sit down to do bench presses, maybe do 4 or 5 then take a break and watch more TV, then when someone walks by I breathe heavily and mime the action of wiping sweat from my brow. This cycle continues until Oprah is over.

HEALTH- What's your eating vice?
COOLEY- I like to eat foods that are too big to put in my mouth in one bite. I approach that as a challenge and a personal attack on the size of my mouth. If I see a stack of pancakes, I will roll them into a syrupy dough-ball filled with the side of bacon and cram it sideways into my gaping facehole until I cannot breathe. I believe you can't fully enjoy a meal unless it's almost preventing you from staying alive.

HEALTH- Any secret-weapon foods?
COOLEY- Nunchucks....coverered in frosting.

HEALTH- You were once a model.
COOLEY- (long pause) First off, that's not a question. Bad question asking there. You don't speak good. Secondly, I am still a model...citizen. I don't litter. Thirdly, I went to a special school to get a career in modeling, or just look like one. I choose to just look like one.

HEALTH- So, we have to ask, are you single? There have been photos of you with a certain baseball player...[Derek Jeter]...
COOLEY- (does a comical spit take with a mouthful of Iced Tea) WHAT!?? Derek Jeter?! Where are these photos!? Show me the *#$@&! photos NOW! (pulls a knife from out of his sock, threatening the interviewer)

HEALTH- How do you stay happy?
COOLEY- I get this question a lot. Why wouldn't I be happy? I'm a model, I'm simultaneously curvy and toned, I have a sock knife, I may potentially be dating Derek Jeter, and I will outlive everyone on the planet right now. And when all that doesn't make me happy, I make up fake HEALTH magazine articles and post them on the internet.

Minka, I'll be expecting your pretend phone call.

Last picture of Minka Kelly (above) and Me (in own dream world)

2009-03-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

I was in a magazine store the other day with a group of my friends. It was one of those hole in the wall places with magazines on every topic imaginable, piled to the ceiling. My Canadian/ vegetarian friend Nick Sung sarcastically handed me a magazine and said "Here. This one's perfect for you." It was a magazine all about Meat.

I love meat. I've always loved it. I grew up in a farming town, and while other young boys were busy stealing apples and getting chased out of Mr. McGregor's apple orchards, my brother and I were busy stealing and killing Mr. McGregor's cows with a homemade cattle prod we created out of a car battery, jumper cables, and a retractable swimming pool skimmer....you know, kid stuff.

I was thumbing through the magazine, and it was great because it had all these amazing pictures of meat. Meat on a cutting board, meat on the grill, a guy chewing a piece of meat, meat on a plate...the list goes on and on. I was salivating and I couldn't put the magazine down. Then it hit me. I was looking at food porn. I couldn't have any of this meat. I couldn't taste it. And some of the photos HAD to have been touched up....no meat can look THAT delicious. At that moment I was hit with a stray 'brillance bullet' from an 'idea uzi' during a 'knowledge drive-by'. And this came to me...

Carnivore Quarterly, the meat magazine.

I know what your thinking. 'I already subscribe to a meat magazine, why should I bother reading yours?' Well first of all, you snob, my meat magazine has great articles about meat, amazing photos of meats, interviews with meat experts, etc. But what really sets us apart from the other meat magazine hacks? Imagine this. Your thumbing through Carnivore Quarterly and you see a mouth-watering recipe for a Honey-baked Ham. Well all you'd have to do is rip that page out and push it into your face-hole because every page of Carnivore Quarterly is made of thinly sliced deli meats for your consumption. What about the ink? Wouldn't that be bad to consume, you ask? Not when we print our magazine with 100% colored barbacue sauce. I mocked up the first issue, and with any luck Carnivore Quarterly will be coming to all refrigerated newstands in your area.

The Story Game

2009-03-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

I went out on a date with my wife Thursday night to an authentic old Western bar/restaurant in the bay area. Date night doesn't happen as often with a little one in the house now. I'm not talking about our baby, I'm talking about the mischievous, jig-dancing leprechaun that we recently adopted. Sure, at first he was a lot of fun, with his magical teleportation onto my ceiling and his crass joke telling..... but after a while I realized he was just a small drunk who hides my car keys.
We were sitting at the end of the bar, when a local regular shuffled in. With his walker leading him, it took 15 minutes for him to get from the front door to his regular barstool, which lucky for me, was right next to mine. He couldn't have been a year under 90, and I'm sure he was partially being slowed down by the weight of his cowboy hat. He finally sat down, his drink already waiting for him. The bartender motioned to him...
Bartender- "Hey there, Cowboy. How you doing tonight?"
Cowboy- "I'm here."

'I'm here'. And those were the only words he said all night. He was there and that was all that mattered. I began to wonder about the Cowboy. Did he have a hard day? A hard life? What's his real name? What's his living space look like? Does he have a closet full of those hats like Batman? How often does he come here? What time in the day did he leave to get here? Was he ever a real cowboy? Could I take him out if a bar brawl started? Is he packin' heat?
This is how you play the story game. My wife and I play it whenever we see interesting characters wherever we are. Airports, city parks, strip joints, nudie bars, gentlemen's clubs, church functions ....wherever there's people you can play it.
It's easy: you pick someone out, and to yourself, figure out their life story. Their name, occupation, family life, social situation, why they're where you are.....etc. Whenever I play this game I always wonder how close we get to the actual truth. But that's the fun part I think....not knowing. If I did know, I always feel I'd be a tad disappointed.
Take this photo that I stumbled upon on Google.

Soak in it's awesomeness. I googled the word "natives" for something I was doing, and this image popped up. Besides being in my top ten list of coolest pictures ever, I wonder what's the story here? Who is this tight denim shorty-shorts guy? Is he dating both these girls at the same time like some real life Archie dating Bettie and Veronica? Has he ever met these girls before this picture was taken? Is he married/divorced to one of them still today? Is that his jeep? Where are they? Who's taking the photo? Are these people still alive? Then there's the story of this actual photograph. This was taken with real film, which means it was developed at a photomat most likely, put in an envelope with the other photographs that were developed, given back to the photographer, they kept the photo (probably in the bottom drawer of their dresser with all the other photos they were going to put in an album...someday), and eventually it was scanned by someone and uploaded onto the internet. Why? Again, I don't want to know. The potential is better to me than the reality.

These are the universe's billions upon trillions of daily tiny questions that few know the answers to, and the rest of us will never know.
But it's also fun to just make up the answers yourself.

Unrelated question: Anyone know how to properly dispose of a leprechaun? I got mad and kicked him in the crotch and he split into two mischievous, smaller leprechauns...and they won't stop mocking me. Is there anything I can spray into their eyes to blind them?
Thanks in advance.

New UP trailer

2009-03-06T17:22:00.000-08:00

I spent many years storyboarding on this film, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. After seeing how it's turning out, I'm reminded of a quote Pete Docter said once in a meeting, that is hanging on the wall near my office....

"I better dip my socks in cement, so they don't get blown off."

See the trailer HERE!

2009-01-29T23:58:00.000-08:00

How about this Economy huh? Boy does it blow. I had to let go of the one employee that runs my lemonade stand that I put up in front of my house. So now I have nothing to do on Saturdays. So to make ends meet, again, I have to rent out space on my blog to the classified ads.

PERSONALS

Portly Male Real Estate Tycoon ISO Sexy Female Banker

I own houses and hotels from Mediterranean Avenue all the way to Park Place. Why not chance a turn with me? Are you currently incarcerated? Not a problem. I can have you released from jail without having to pay a dime. I have plenty of free parking, a scottish terrier, and a small iron you can use to press my tux. Must have nice community chest.

HOUSE FOR RENT

2 Bedroom/ 1 and a half Bath, 35 sq ft, gingerbread home in desirable neighborhood. Remodeled bathroom and kitchen, new frosting roof. Convenient location-25 colored squares from Lollipop Woods, 76 from Gumdrop Mountains. So easy to locate, a child could do it. Winding colored path leads to front door. Nice view of Molasses Swamp. No Pets.

FOR SALE

Orange Hippopotamus - cheap! I can no longer afford to purchase food for this starving hippo. I am constantly disciplining it by smacking the lever protruding from it's backside, but that doesn't seem to help. It never stops eating. Never! I'm losing my marbles here!

Knowledge... was their Trailer.

2009-01-19T01:52:00.000-08:00

I have only been sad two times my entire life.

1. When they said 'the Last Crusade' would be the last Indiana Jones movie, and

2. When I walked out of the theatre after watching the last Indiana Jones movie

I know I've complained about it before, but that movie haunts me. I'll be out enjoying a sunny day, usually skipping with my woodland creature friends, enjoying a rainbow... BAM! Crystal Skull enters my brain and my head wants to explode as if I looked into the Ark. It makes me want to leave out a bowl of dates in the off chance I'll be poisoned by a nazi monkey.

Anyway, I channeled my hatred and made lemonade out of lemons, by fixing the Indy 4 trailer so that it better matches the movie.

Didn't realize the video was so small. That's the last time I use my iPod nano to edit.

UPDATE-

Larger version available on a not very popular site called Youtube.

My night with Ashley Judd

2008-12-28T19:48:00.000-08:00

I was being "politely asked to leave" a used bookstore the other day, because I was "disturbing the customers" when something on the shelf caught my eye. It was a used DVD copy of the Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman smash hit, High Crimes. I told the manager to get his grubby mitts offa me, because I had six dollars and I wanted to buy the movie. Why would I want to buy this DVD? It's boring, it got bad reviews, and it's a sad follow-up (not a sequel) to Morgan Freeman/ Ashley Judd's Kiss the Girls fueled only by their star-power.
Why would I want it? Because I'm in it.

December 2000, around midnight-ish. I was walking through Union Square in San Francisco with two of my lady friends. (That's right, I said two.) I saw a bunch of guys setting up lights and trailers everywhere. They were obviously shooting some movie. So I walked up to a security guard. Here was our conversation verbatim:
Me- Hey, what's going on? Someone making a movie?
Guard- Yeah.
Me- Who's in it?
Guard- Ashley Judd and the guy who drove Miss Daisy, what's his face.
Me- I want to be in the movie.
(Guard stares at us.)
Guard- hold on...
Guard into Walkie Talkie- Hey Vince, you need more background?
Walkie-Talkie- yeah, send'em up.
Guard to me- go to the third floor in the Saint Francis Hotel, they'll tell you where to go.

And that's how easy it is to break into Hollywood and be a star of the moving pictures.

And so we went to the third floor where we were served a free buffet dinner with all the rest of the background extras and film crew. I mingled with all the top background extras: the stand-in for Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2, an extra who had a close-up in The Nutty Professor, and the horse wrangler from Wild Wild West. The real stars of Hollywood.
In the middle of dinner, this guy slowly wanders over to our table, holding his dinner tray, like the new kid in school trying to find somewhere to sit in the lunchroom. Here's our conversation verbatim:
New kid guy- can I sit here?
Me (with my mouth full)- Ummm.....I think someone's sitting there.....
No one was sitting there.
New kid guy leaves, sad.
Lady at table- What are you doing? No one's sitting there....and that was James Caviezel.
Me- Who?
Lady at Table- One of the stars of this movie.
Me- Well, who's the star now!? Ha ha! Pass the salt!

Only years later would I realize my horrible mistake. I single-handedly prevented the movie star that would eventually play Jesus in Passion of the Christ, from enjoying his shrimp cocktail and mini-burritos at our circular folding table.

I rejected Hollywood Jesus.

I only pray that someday, J.C. (James Caviezel) will forgive me for my sin against him.
Finally it was time to be an actor. It was 2:30 am, we were in Union Square preparing for the shoot. Here's what the background director told us verbatim:
BG Director- You guys start here, on 'Action' walk to the curb and try to hail a cab until 'Cut'.
Me- Question?
BG Director- yeah.
Me- Can we stand closer to Ashley Judd?
(Her starting mark was 6 feet away)
BG Director- You're pretty close already.
Me- I want to smell her hair.
BG Director- Just hail the cab.
So that's what I did. I acted the hell out of my role as Taxi Hailer. In fact, one take was ruined because I actually hailed a cab and it stopped traffic. I don't want to toot my own horn here, but if there were some sort of award for background extras who specifically hail cabs....well, I'd think I would be a shoe-in but...I'll let you decide...
(By the way, I'm not that guy with the Santa hat and whistle hailing a cab, that guy sucked. His performance was lacking, and I didn't believe any of it. My cab hailing has emotion.)

Was my acting so good that it blended in and you missed it? Here. I slowed it down and added a big arrow so it's easier to see my performance for award considerations...

The Bug Zapper- UPDATE!

2008-11-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

My good buddy Doug and I made this short last weekend for a 48 hour film festival. You get 48 hours to write, shoot, and edit a short film. To make sure you don't start early, you get three "ingredients" that HAVE to be in the film right at the beginning of the 48 hours.
This year's ingredients-
1. A plunger
2. a case of mistaken identity
3. A line of dialogue (at least three words) that is said three times in a row by at least 2 people.

Enjoy the next three minutes of your life.

UPDATE!

The Bug Zapper made the top of Will Ferrell's 'Funny or Die' homepage. Check out the different edit of the film (without the three ingredients) at...

FUNNY OR DIE!

My favorite vegetable

2008-10-22T16:02:00.000-07:00

I have a problem.

I don't smoke, don't do drugs, I'm not high on life...... I have a bigger problem. Like those penguins that instinctually march thousands of miles every year for penguin sex, every October 1st I instinctually march literally hundreds of feet to the nearest Rite-Aid. Why? Because that is the exact day that Rite-Aid stocks their seasonal shelves with Brach's Big Bag 22 oz, made with real honey, America's #1 Candy Corn.

I know what your thinking. Your saying to yourself, "Sure, I like candy corn too, what's the big deal about it, stupid?" Well, first of all, was calling me 'stupid' really necessary? That was kinda harsh. And second, You don't understand my problem.

I'm like a crackhead for Candy Corn.

Every Fall I try to avoid those nasty, little tri-colored, high fructose syrup triangles of temptation. But then my grandma puts out a tiny bowl of them on her family room table, and I say to myself, "I'll just have a small handful." Next thing I know, I'm wielding my grandma's knitting needles, threatening to 'cut' her, if she doesn't hand over the rest of the bag. I'm sick.
The worst part is that after eating maybe 3 pieces, I'm sick to my stomach....but I keep eating them. In fact, I have eaten half a bag so far while writing this. My heart feels like it's working twice as hard to pump my blood that has the consistency of Elmer's glue. Candy corn is killing me. They are disgusting. But I can't stop. I need them in my stomach. It tastes like I'm slowly eating a candle, one bite at a time. But the sugar....it's so...sugary. And the Titanium Dioxide Color Yellow 6....it's so....yellowy.
But luckily, as quickly as the urge to splurge on candy corn arrives....come the stroke of midnight from Oct 31st to Nov 1st, it's gone. And I don't want to even LOOk at--......kkf397bviorvbj3judc asubv ksfvfskbn vskfuvkubn unvt3ubnvo3vojnfvojjsf

Whoa. Sorry about that. I just passed out onto my keyboard for like 3 hours, and I woke up in my neighbor's front yard, Halloween decorations. I think I need to take a long look at my life...after I get back from Rite-Aid.

2008-09-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of jibber jabber and hoopla recently about oil, and the next president, and the economy, and blah blah blah everything sucks. But we are being distracted from the major issues here. And because I have a blog that reaches literally TENS of people, I'm going to do on this blog, what other blogs don't.......voice an opinion. And my hope is that you will agree with my opinion without question, and send a healthy monetary donation (paypal preferred) to my blog/cause, so that we may join hands (figuratively speaking only, I don't know where your hands have been) and stand up for the rights that we as human beings, so rightly deserve. So get a pissed off look on your face, pump your fist in the air, and get angry as you read another 100% rant filled edition of--
I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic the other day when I had an epiphany. I realized I was wasting my life away while sitting in this large metal, vibrating hunk of deathtrap we call a car. So as I pulled onto the shoulder of the freeway to speed past everyone (including the accident), I thought "This wouldn't be a problem if I had a jetpack!" And that pisses me off. I don't have a jetpack. Way to drop the future ball on that one, old people scientists, another scratch on the "letdown scoreboard" for you.
We have pills that make you lose weight, a robot VCR that records television for you, cleanser that uses Oxygen to remove stains--HOW COME WE HAVE NO PACKS THAT JET!????
And I'm talking about a REAL jetpack, not that lame one the guy uses to fly into football games and air shows. That guy looks stupid, and like he's almost about to blow up. I want one the size of a normal backpack, that I don't need a helmet to steer with. It should operate like a Segway, but in the air. Is that too much to ask? And guys, think of all the chicks you would get if you flew overhead with a jetpack. Answer: tons. And guess what, you make it so the jetpack doesn't run on gasoline, and then there's no more relying on foreign oil. Problem solved. Heck, I don't care if the jetpack runs on crushed dreams or baby dolphin meat-- I want to get airbourne now!

2008-09-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

100% TRUE! Because if they weren't, they wouldn't be on the internet!

1. There are 2 kinds of Pandas. The Long-tailed Himalayan carnivore that looks like a raccoon and there is the Giant panda bear that lives in Western China. Both go well with barbacue sauce.

2. Movie Star Jessica Alba loves Cookies and Cream ice cream, likes to watch football, and her favorite color is purple. She is a horrible actress.

3. It is 3,975 miles from Earth's surface to it's nougat-y center.

4. There are over 100 religions in the Western Hemisphere alone. Most of them are just ridiculous. You know which ones I mean.

5. Curling up naked in the fetal position on your bathroom floor and crying will not bring your girlfriend back, no matter how many hours you do it for.

6. Average time it takes to complete a transaction at a Wendy's drive-thru: 2 minutes 30.29 seconds. Average time it takes to rob a Wendy's : 1 minute 42.3 seconds.

7. Siberian Tigers do not think Frosted Flakes are that great.

8. Scientists claim that milkshakes will bring the boys to the yard.

9. The fear of women is called 'gynaephobia' . The fear of politicians is called 'politicophobia'. The fear of an unqualified woman becoming a powerful politician is called 'rational'.

10. For one week a year in the Springtime, cheap plastic bead necklaces make girls go wild.

I love the smell of Inappropriate Golden Books in the morning...

2008-09-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

The HOBO-LYMPIC Games

2008-08-21T00:52:00.000-07:00

If you've been watching the Olympic Games in Beijing, you know the excitement of watching these great athletes perform. There's the Women's Beach Volleyball, ....that Micheal Phelps swimming guy, and.....the women's beach volleyball. Really exciting stuff.
Well I just got back from my trip to a different kind of China. Chinatown, San Francisco to be exact. That's where this year's Hobo-lympics are underway and BOY what a great year! The opening ceremony was amazing! Hearing the Hobo-lympic theme being played only on washboards and the spoons is truly beautiful.
I was lucky enough to see famous hobo-athlete 'Skitts McRash' compete against rookie 'Janky DownFly' in the 100 meter Run-n-Babble event. Then we grabbed a couple cans of Hobo-lympic sponsored baked beans and caught 'Stinks Malloy' go head to head against 'Professor Scabs' in the Floor Spare Change competition, brought to you by Subway. (Well it was in front of a Subway, anyhow)
There was even some alleged scandal when 'Knifey "the knife" Stabstab', attacked 4 time gold medal winner 'Twitchy SkullCap Jitters' (pictured above) with the metal lid of a cat food container during the BackAlley Dumpster Diving competition. Even with deep lacerations, Jitters took the gold and during the awards ceremony, used his middle fingers to show the audience who was "number one". (It was ironic considering the "metal" around his neck was made from a cat food lid.)
We were about to catch my favorite game, the Individual Obscenity Screaming event, when the police showed up and put an end to the games early this year. But before that, I did get to talk for a bit to 8 time Gold medal winner for the Bindle Toss, hobo-lympic star 'Gums McRazor' which was a treat. I asked him how confident he felt this year about bringing home the gold, and he said to me, "I can gold MY OWN time with the devil and a wiffle ball bat, scruffy." Then he picked a fight with a parking meter.

That one movie everyone saw

2008-08-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

I camped out in front of my local IMAX cinema for 4 days, by myself (apparantly all my loser friends have "jobs" and "families"), just to catch the first showing. The theatre owners and people passing by scoffed at me, called me names, and asked me to leave the premises, but I wasn't going anywhere. I had been waiting for YEARS for this highly anticipated sequel to finally be released, and I wasn't going to miss it for the world. FINALLY, I was allowed inside and the movie played. It was fantastic. All my favorite characters were on screen again, with all the action and humor of the first movie. It was a blast. I may be alone on this, but I think this was one of those rare sequels that is better than the original. I think you'll agree. Make sure you check out 'SisterHood of the Traveling Pants 2'.

Then a few days later i saw that batman movie. It was alright.
It didn't have any traveling pants in it though.

My Bucket List

2008-08-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

There's a popular fad going 'round these days with aging movie stars. They make Bucket Lists. These are things written in a "list" that you want to do before you kick the "bucket".
This is nothing new. I've had my "Dirt Nap Directory" written on a framed napkin hanging in my living room for years, and I've almost completed everything on it.

1. Dance with the Stars
2. Become the King of Kong
3. Make a woman faint by winking at her
4. Crash a Shelby Mustang
5. Kill/consume a polar bear
6. Flip a house....literally
7. Get my full body tattoo removed
8. Streak during a NASCAR race
9. Get an entourage
10. Learn to ride a bike
11. Skydive from space
12. Roundhouse kick a knife out of someone's hand
13. Get knighted by Queen Latifah
14. Help a complete stranger commit a crime
15. Waste time by writing a blog
16. Get adopted by an angry, rich bald man who I soften with my singing
17. Find Waldo
18. Jump over a shark on a motorcycle
19. Perform surgery (legally)
20. Prevent someone from completing their Bucket List

AfterWorks 3 is GO!

2008-07-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

Check out the early designs, sketches, artwork for the third installment of Afterworks.

It's gonna be so awesome, you'll punch a hobo.

LOOKIT WHAT I MADE!!!!!! (my wife helped)

2008-07-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the recent lack of postings, fellow blog viewer. I've been a little busy supporting our dwindling population problem by bringing human life into the world. Kinda puts YOUR week into prospective now doesn't it? I'm busy helping our species thrive, and your at home probably pants-less, drunk on Cocoa Pebbles and watching a continuous loop of Flight of the Navigator on TBS the SuperStation.

I envy you.

9 months ago, the oversized softball of fate was thrown at the target of life, and on July 7th, the platform fell from underneath me and I was dropped into the dunk tank of fatherhood.
Lola Belle Cooley is my new toy, and she brings me more joy than infinity hours of Flight of the Navigator. She likes to eat, poop, sleep, and she likes breasts...so we have a lot in common. I'm sharpening up my fathering skills by watching the Bill Cosby documentary, Ghost Dad. It's good to know even after my demise, I can still be a good father.
I've already started laying down the rules like a good dad should. Lola told me she wants to go to Burning Man this year and I was shocked....especially since she's only a week old and she can talk. I told her absolutely NOT, she will have to wait until she is AT LEAST 4. So she got all mad, told me I sucked, and threatened to bludgeon me in my sleep with a Lite Brite.
Ha! Kids say the darndest things!

Happy 4th of July Day!

2008-07-04T11:16:00.001-07:00

Growing up, my family had a great ritual every fourth of July. My dad would pile the family into the car and we would drive two hours on a dirt road to the county line where there would be a row of beat-up, rust encrusted, toyota pick-ups, that had "convienently" lost their license plates. Sitting in the beds of these trucks, were our local sketchy illegal fireworks salesmen.

These men were lost souls, rejected from society, and forced to sell their illegal Mexican wares far from the outstretched arms of the law. We would walk along the row of truck beds, inspecting the merchandise as if we were at Wal-Mart...a very VERY scary Wal-Mart. I remember once a guy tried to interest my dad with a box of M-80s, and when he didn't look interested, offered to sell us something with a little more "punch". A Hand Grenade.

These men were modern day pirates...well at least some of them were missing body parts like pirates. There were always about 12 to 13 guys, and there probaly wasn't a full set of teeth between them. Every year, the same guy was always parked on the end of the row. I soon came to realize HE was the reason we came out here every year. We gave him the nickname of "Old Faithful." Not just because we were sure to see him every year like clockwork, but because he looked like he too had been blown up every 8 minutes. He was propped up in a lawn chair in the bed of his truck, knawing on beef jerky with his good tooth. His lazy eye always looked South, like a broken compass, while his other eye looked East, through an old pair of binoculars he would use to watch out for cops. It looked like he had used his fake right arm, to construct his fake left arm . It consisted of extra long cardboard tubes stapled together,wire coat hangers, and salad tongs on the end. His fake right arm was a plastic bloody arm halloween prop with a motion sensor inside it. Every time he moved it, his arm would cackle then wish you a Happy Halloween.
My dad would make us stand there and stare at Old Faithful, until he noticed we weren't buying anything, then Old Faithful would start cussing our family out in the jibberish language he spoke. That's when we knew it was time to leave. We would walk along the dirt path back to the car, empty handed. Then my dad would turn to us, look us in the eye, and sternly state..."THAT is why you don't buy fireworks."

Who are the People in your Neighborhood...?

2008-06-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

Driving to and from work everyday, I've noticed a consistant cast of sketchy "characters" that line the main drag I take. And I'm not the only one. If I mention to a co-worker that "Antennae-Head" is sitting in his usual chair, they know exactly who I'm talking about and where he is.

Here's one of my favorites, "the Strawberry Pimp".

This pimp struts along the main blvd, in full pimp limp, in his chains, and gold, and everything. He's straight out of SuperFly. Sometimes he's dancing, and sometimes he's using his pimp cane to direct traffic like some kind of pimp traffic wizard magically making traffic lights change.

I was stopped at a stoplight at a corner this morning, and a glimmer caught my eye. It was sunlight reflecting off of the Strawberry Pimp's gold $ necklace and he was standing right next to my passenger's side window staring at me like the above picture. I was so excited to see him, because everyone knows when you see a pimp, your supposed to make a wish and it might come true. But my excitement was cut short. While staring at me....Strawberry Pimp pushed his jacket back with his hand in his pocket to reveal a giant handcrafted wooden knife handle, at least 8 inches long. I guess I was frozen because the car behind me honked because the light changed and I didn't notice.

Moral of the story: Nothing gets your day off to a great start better than a pimp threatening to cut you.

New Yorker Cartoon Contest

2008-06-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

Every week me and my bud/co-worker, dancer/choreographer Dan Scanlon , enter the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest. The New Yorker supplies the cartoon, we supply the caption for it. We mail in our caption, then send our "alternate captions" to each other. The alternates are jokes that would never get picked in a million years, even though the ones we send it never get picked either......stupid unfunny New Yorker......grumble grumble.... ENJOY

Mom, I'm okay.....but something's happened to the jet.

I'm late for dinner again?.......aww chute.

Honey, I'm literally coming out of the closet. I am gay...to the EXTREME!

Please let me stay.....I just can't handle being ejected again.

My partner's chute didn't open and he's in your front yard. Do you have a garbage bag?

Evening ma'am. Can I tell you about my EXTREME friend, Jesus Christ?

Honey, my midlife crisis is over now.

Sorry I'm late, there was a backup on the Highway to the Danger Zone.

I bet your wondering what that explosion noise was.

Wait a second.....This isn't the baseball game.

Brought to you by the number Se7en....

2008-06-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Yet another Inappropriate Golden Book for Kids

Cintiq Doodling

2008-06-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

In this paperless digital age, I've been keeping a file on my computer desktop for random doodles, since there's no such thing as scraps of paper anymore. This one filled up finally.

And now, I keep trying to shake my wacom cintiq to erase the picture but it won't go away.

Part Duex ...with UPDATE!

2008-06-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

One of the highlights of my blogging career was when I interviewed my friend, Nick Sung, because I found out he was Canadian. Like me, I know a lot of you cyberspace surfers out there are confused about Canadians and you want to know who they are and what makes them tick. That interview was a global success, yet somehow, I still wasn't Canadian-ly satisfied. Imagine my joy when another good friend of mine, James Robertson, came up to me and said, "Hey, I'm Canadian too." I grabbed his hands and jumped around in a circle while laughing maniacally. He agreed to be interviewed if i stopped touching him.
So here it is folks, Another edition of....

Professor Cooley- Annnnnnnnd......we're back. Welcome to "Conversations with Canadians", I'm your (American) moderator and host, Professor Cooley. This is Part 12B of our 43 part series. Today my guest from the icy slopes of Canada, is Canadian Canada dweller, James Robertson. Welcome James.

James Robertson (Canadian)- Hi, thanks for having me.

Professor Cooley- So this isn't my first time interviewing a Canadian. I once interviewed Canadian, Nick Sung. You know him?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Yeah. Hes my friend.

Professor Cooley- Wow, you Canadians ARE friendly, aren't you? AH Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

(long awkward pause)

Professor Cooley- Are you in the U.S. of A. for business or pleasure?

James Robertson (Canadian)- business, definitely business. However, California is pleasurable.

Professor Cooley- In your personal opinion, why do you think America is #1?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Because China hasn't taken over yet. I give it 3 years.

Professor Cooley- Ha! Dream on, Canuck! America doesn't rely on China for anything. Next question.... Which song makes you cry more...You're a Grand Old Flag, Battle Hymn of the Republic, or Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A.?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Raining Blood by Slayer.

Professor Cooley- Ah yes, Canada's national anthem.... The word "Canada" sounds like it's Spanish or something...what's it mean?

James Robertson (Canadian)- I think it's Indian. It means "awesome".

Professor Cooley- Every time I see a Mountie, I laugh. Are Mounties taken seriously in Canada?

James Robertson (Canadian)- It depends. If they're not armed and riding a horse... no. But if they are armed and riding a motorcycle... no.

Professor Cooley- America has a "President" who's job is to run the country, and clean up the mess left by the previous President. Who's running things up there in Canada?

James Robertson (Canadian)- The Canadian equivalent of republicans. So.... the democrats.

Professor Cooley- I typed 'Canada' into the internet, and a bunch of stuff came up that I didn't have time to read. Explain Canada to me in two sentences or less. Preferably less.

James Robertson (Canadian)- The cleaner, less populated and less scary version of the States, eh.

Professor Cooley- What the hell is boxing day? Is that when Canadians celebrate the birth of baby Sugar Ray Robinson?

James Robertson (Canadian)- It's the day after Christmas when you return the #&@% you got and don't want. They also have sales on electronics and such.

Professor Cooley- In Canada, how old do you have to be to get your dog sled license?

James Robertson (Canadian)- Is this interview almost over?

Professor Cooley- You know Pamela Anderson? She's from Canada.

James Robertson (Canadian)- Who?

Professor Cooley- The Canadian flag is just a leaf and some lines, right? I've come up with some better designs, and your welcome. Which one to you like, I mean, which one do you love the most?

James Robertson (Canadian)- It's getting kinda late....

Professor Cooley- Mmmm Hmmm......that Pamela Anderson! I'd pour maple syrup on THOSE stacks of pancakes! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

James Robertson (Canadian)- I have to leave now.

James Robertson is like that one REALLY talented friend you have, who is SO friendly and nice, that you want to punch them in the face. He's smart, funny, a great guy, he enjoys sports, leisure activities, fine foods, and long walks on the beach. But SORRY ladies....he's taken by his equally talented wife. Think I'm a liar? Think there's no way James could be THAT talented AND nice? Well, BRING IT! and check out his awesome work for yourself, fool!

James Robertson's Blog, THE IRON SCYTHE

UPDATE!

Pamela Anderson is the new Queen of Canada. In other news, I am moving to Canada.

Dear Indy, ...

2008-05-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

(Warning: this letter from Sallah to Indiana Jones contains spoliers about the movie 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Do not read if you would rather have the movie spoil Indiana Jones for you.)

Greetings, my friend! It is I, your good friend and comrade, Sallah speaking. It has been many years, 19 to be exact, since our last adventure, and how I have missed you so, my friend. I have been keeping abreast of your many travels, and most recently have viewed your latest adventures in your quest for the crystal skull and it's kingdom.
I am grateful for your safe return, my friend, and I thank you...THANK YOU from the depths of my heart for not including me in your latest adventure. We once ventured across many lands, risking life and limb to seek the most covetted of artifacts. Discovering the vessel that is the resting place for the Ten Commandments, the Ark of the Covenant....and years later finding the goblet which Jesus drank from at the Last Supper, the Holy Grail. Those were quite exciting times, with meaningful consequences if those artifacts were to fall in the wrong hands. Exciting times, indeed. Surely 19 years later, if you were to embark on another quest it must outweigh or match the importance of these previous finds. Which is why I am quite perplexed, Indy.

I must ask you, my friend.....

A FREAKIN' CRYSTAL SKULL!!??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!!! IS THAT THE BEST YOU COULD DO??? How about a MacGuffin that actually MEANS something?! Or better yet, a MacGuffin that isn't the size of a watermelon, so you could actually CARRY it?? But I guess that isn't a problem since you have 5, that's right 5 SIDEKICKS to do all the work for you!! All you have to do is stand there commenting on previous adventures and remembering dead characters by staring at photos of them that look like they were taken from screenshots of the previous movies! Why not call it Indiana Jones and the Stroll down Memory Lane. Ahh yes...there's Brodie, and your Dad, and your whip...that you only used TWICE in 2 hours! Where was the Indy that actually made things happen...the Indy with a CHARACTER? All you did was give me expositional backstory for half the movie, then the other half you just kept asking an old guy what to do next! I would have rather eaten some of those bad dates from that evil, Nazi monkey. And speaking of monkeys....since when do monkeys randomly attack Russians. And what's with the prairie dogs, really? And a nuclear blast? That scene wasn't neccessary or entertaining at all. And for God's sake....ALIENS????!!! WHA-- WHO-- HOW-- WHA--!!!

Much apologies, my friend. I have much emotions over this matter, and much confusion as well. We live in two differents worlds you and I. I reside in the world of good Indiana Jones adventures...and you reside over there, on the other side of that shark that you jumped over, on the back of a motorcycle with your Fonz look-alike son.

So Thank you again, my friend, for not including me on your alien adventure, and leave me out as well for your Quest for the Happiest Leprechaun, or your Expedition for Unicorn Island. When your next adventure is Indiana Jones and the Better Screenplay, contact me.
I still have my job reminding people to wear thier safety restraints while in the Temple of the Forbidden Eye.

Your grateful friend, Sallah

2008-05-14T23:50:00.000-07:00

I was fortunate enough this year to visit both my mothers on Mothers' Day.

I visited my birth mother first in the morning. I made her breakfast in bed, we watched an edited version of 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back' on TBS, the SuperStation, then I gave her a card that I made. It said, "Thanks for giving me life... I appreciate it! " Then I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, and the guards escorted her back to her cell. It was a lovely morning.

Then it was off to see my second mom. Technically she's not my 'real mom', but she raised me since I was an infant, so to me, she is my mother. She and my "brothers" live far from the city so it took a few hours to drive out to the woods. I parked my stationwagon and continued for 3 more hours by foot. I finally found their place. It was just as I remembered it. The stone walls, the fresh pine scent, boney carcasses lining the floor....I was home.

Suddenly, I was attacked from behind. Claws ripped into my back flesh and I let out a terror scream of pain. I fell to the ground, unable to breathe. But then I saw her. My mom! She must have not recognized my scent! But after a few seconds she saw it was me, and as I writhed in pain on the ground, she lifted her back leg and released a liquid-y "hello" onto my jacket. (I know that may seem gross to some of you, but every family has rituals, and it's not polite to judge our beliefs).
So my mom licked my wounds for a while, my pack brothers showed up, then I gave her my mothers' day gift... a fresh mule deer kill that I did with my bare hands. It was a little awkward because one of my brothers, MoonShadow, ALSO gave mom a kill, but mine was a day fresher. MoonShadow has always been a jerk to me, because I'm an "outsider" he says. I think he's jealous because I have opposable thumbs and I know how to make tools and stuff.
I nuzzled my mother goodbye and then headed straight to Rite-Aid to get some bactine and band-aids for the deep lacerations in my back.

I love my moms and I can't wait until next Mother's Day...next year I may even introduce them to my wife.

The CastIron Gentleman - Talkie Film Review

2008-05-12T22:47:00.000-07:00

Written by Samuals D. Stutenberger, May 12 1923.

Well fellow readers, I wouldn't be feeding you a line or slinging hooey, if I announced to you that now my lookin' balls have seen EVERYTHING. I took in a motion picture the other night that was simply a sight to be seen. It was an assault on my senses, and would you believe it, it had sound AND color! I am of course speaking about the adventures of the Chap made of Iron. "Poposterous" you say? "A fly-boy made of solid Steel? Hah! Tell it to Sweeney!" No, I ain't splifficated, I know my onions! This Ironclad fella is the Real McCoy.
Me and my girl were getting fried on the giggle water last Friday night and decided to take in some flickering celluloid at the local petting pantry. As the lights went down, my cuddling Jane sidled over into prime necking territory. As I caressed the doll, I thought to myself..."Now your on the Trolley, ol boy! You sure are the Sugar Daddy, Samuals! Attaboy!"
But then the film started cranking. I piped down as the screen came to full blown life with explosions, fire, sound from all angles! My dame wanted to sit pretty in my arms, but my eyes were glued to the silver screen. This CastIron Gentleman could stop any caper from happening using only his iron and know how. Never in my years have I ever seen anything like it! Not even Chaplin could perform the feats of this Iron Fella! I kicked the bearcat outta my arms and told the bird to beat it. I knew I could collect the cash on that chassis anytime I wanted, CastIron Chap was the cat's whiskers right now...and How!
I stayed in the theatre through all four reels and after it was over, I tried to hide so I could catch the next showing, until the establishment bimbo gave me the bum's rush.
Now I ain't usually one to beat my gums about a particular moving picture, but make sure to stamp all ten toes down to the picture house and view the adventures of this magnificent Iron Gentleman. It hits on all sixes!

Samuals D. Stutengerber (above) is a time traveling motion picture celluloid reviewer for the Daily Mirror.

Helpful Advice from Phillip

2008-05-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

If your a frequent reader of this blog, you know my main goal is to help people. I am like an internet Oprah. Honestly, I get a lot of mail from people asking for guidance and I just don't have the time to help everyone...let me rephrase that, I don't have time to help anyone... except myself. I am not an internet Jesus. So I have hired some help. Oprah has Dr. Phil, and now I have Phillip...my new advice columnist. Some people may scoff and say "he's not old enough to be a doctor!" Well, actually he's not even old enough to drive. So there. But what he lacks in "knowledge", he makes up with advice. Let the healing begin.

-Dear Phillip,
I am a 44 year old woman with a steady boyfriend for the last 6 years. He wants to get married but I'm still not sure I want to. Is there something wrong with me?
- Confused Girlfriend

Dear lady,
OMG your sireously 44!!!!! That's oldir than my dad!! U cant get married now becuz that would be way gross. Tell your BF you want to be friends until u like die that way you never get married. And since your practikally in the grave anyway, it wont matter. P-man OUT!

-Dear Phillip,
My boss at work is very verbal when negatively responding to my ideas in front of my fellow co-workers. I try to shake it off but it's really been getting on my nerves recently. Overall, I'm a relatively shy person, so I'm not sure how to approach the situation. Any suggestions?
- Abused employee

Dear wussy,
Get a friggin backbone, u loser. Next time tell your boss to kiss it and then drop the people's elbow into his face! Then ask him whos the boss now?! Or get some numchucks. Did you see IronMan yet? Nobody messes with IronMan, becuz he's awesome!!!1 BOO YAH!

-Dear Phillip,
My stepson seems to be becoming more distant to me and his mother as time goes on. We are concerned because he spends a lot of time online and playing video games. Could this be the root of the problem?
- Concerned Parent

Dear Fake Dad,
Does he have a Wii? Or X-Box? My homey Dustin has a X-Box but it SUCKS!!!!!1 I have a Wii AND a PS3 which is awesome. The graphics are amazing and the game selection rocks. Your stepson should get GTA4. I dont have it yet but Dustins brother bought it becuz he has a fake id and he said you can kill anyone in the game. My burthday is coming so i'll probaly ask for it...and some of those shoes with the pop out wheels so i can skate around the mall. HELLA TIGHT!

Send in your questions to be personally answered by Phillip!

Update- with sent it questions...

Dear Phillip,

I was drawing my comic strip & accidentally dropped the pencil on the floor. I can't finish drawing the cartoon without it & now beside myself, what should I do?
-Butterfingered Cartoonist

Dear CartoonGuy,

Are u sireous??!!!1 Thats yer question? Sounds like somenbody accidentally dropped you once. You should maybe pick up your pencil, then stab yerself in the eye for asking a dum question. I drew a cartoon once. It was about me, except i was this robot with guns for hands that had to kill all the monsters on this other planet...It was probably the awesomest thing I've ever drawn.
P-Dogg

2001: An Inappropriate Golden Book

2008-05-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

Earth Day Essay Contest!

2008-04-27T22:31:00.001-07:00

In honor of Earth Day 2008, we here at Cooley! are holding an Earth Day Essay Contest. All entrants essays should be about conserving Mother Earth. This contest is open to ages 5 to 105 and the essay must be 800 words or less. The first place winner will recieve an awesome earth day prize and will have their essay posted here on Cooley! for the rest of the world to read. Good Luck!

UPDATE! WE HAVE A WINNER!
Congrats to Arton Wigbaldt from Wiltenburrow, Nebraska! His carefully constructed Mother Earth essay brought a tear to our eye and love to our hearts. Thanks to all who entered.

Arton Wigbaldt with his first place prize. A recycled computer setup.

Why Earth can bite me
by Arton Wigbaldt

Are you freaking kidding me? I gotta pay extra at the supermarket now for plastic bags because they take like 5 years to decompose in our landfills? I've had enough. I already waste enough time attempting to sort garbagey crap from recycable crap, but I'm not even gonna do that anymore. I'm sick of rooting through the trash like a freaking raccoon. I stopped going outside during the day because I couldn't take two steps without someone telling me to go "green". Well, I'll tell YOU where to go! If I hear that again, I'm gonna recycle my karate fists into your stupid, "green" face until it turns RED! you dumb idiot.
It's people like you enviornment jerks that make me hate Earth. Oh no, the globe is warming up??? Good!!! I hope it melts the icebergs and your hippie abodes fill with water! While you're drying out your birkenstocks, I'll be eating a rare venison steak while driving my mom's boyfriend's S.U.V. recklessly through a natural preserve, without a muffler! Knowing you earth-lovers get mad is why I now love to litter. What has Earth done for me anyhow? Nothing. I didn't choose to live here. The day my mom squeezed me out, this place was already a dump. Living on this planet is like permanently living in a crappy apartment in the worst part of town that I'll NEVER get the deposit back on, and somehow it's my fault. And the horrible bitch of a landlord that won't let me leave is Mother Earth. Well you can bite me, Mother Earth. Bite me.

Taun Taun Taa-Taas

2008-04-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

This is quite possibly the nerdiest thing I've ever drawn. But I don't care. Regardless of that, it still sold at auction. So yes, I am a nerd for drawing it, but a bigger nerd forked over nerd cash for it.
And if you've never seen nerd cash in action, you've never been to ComicCon.

ADVERTISE HERE!

2008-04-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog, I was under the impression that as soon as people started visiting my corner of the internet, the Benjamins would start rolling in. I was misinformed. So in order to pay my mortgage this month, I've had to rent out some blog space to some classified ads. Please patronize these advertisers so that I no longer have to eat dog food for dinner. Thank you.

FOR SALE

Twenty-three Black and White Panda Bears up for grabs. Want to show your kid you love'em? Why not do it with a panda? These bears are probably disease free and full of love...and beef jerky. These lil' bastards love beef jerky. Why am I selling 'em? What do you care, they're alive and cheap...mind your business. If interested, I've got'em all in my van, send me your address, I'll drive to you.
P.S.- Pandas in van may not look exactly like pandas in picture, but whatever, a panda's a panda.

MISSED CONNECTIONS
F/M I saw you on the subway Friday morning, you complimented my skirt then proceeded to swat at imaginary bees circling your head. You wore a torn, stained sweatshirt covered with a flannel shirt, covered with a rain jacket, covered with a snow vest. Your smell lingered as you exited the train while wildly ranting about the government and shouting obscenities. As the train pulled away, I watched through the window as you dove face first into a lidless trash can, mining for lost treasures.
If you somehow read this, I will be waiting at that trashcan tomorrow morning.

JOB LISTING
ISO Female actresses for "artistic" student film
Hey, do you live nearby? Are you a hot actress who wants to be a star in pictures, moving or not? I'm the director of a student film that needs 2, but preferably 3 really hot, like smoking hot, actresses who can act. My movie is like a futuristic fantasy set in renaissance times, and like these hot alien babes come to earth and mate with the king of the galaxy (who is a centaur), and his bodybuilding brother. I will play the king... and probably his brother too. Email me your headshot/measurements so I can judge your talent.
Please have a sexy look something in the vicinity of this.

Still MORE! Inappropriate Golden Books

2008-04-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

New Tongue in Cheek

2008-04-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

What a weekend. I spent it sitting on a lawn chair in my living room with my mouth full of ice cubes. I had myself some oral surgery and the ice was to help the swelling go down....and the lawn chair was because while I was having surgery, someone came and stole all my furniture. Other than that, the procedure went great. Even my doctor Barry said, "I imagine a tongue transplant can't be too difficult." And he was right. I'm lucky I found the right doctor for this procedure. Thanks Craigslist!

Let me back up. I've had the same tongue for as long as I can remember. And at first things were great. When I was a kid I'd look at stuff on the ground and wonder, "what's THAT taste like?" and then my tongue would lick it. It was perfect...for a while. The problems started when I was in high school. While kissing my girlfriend one day, all the sudden my tongue wanted to get in on the action, and tried to enter HER mouth. She freaked out and called me a 'pervert', then stormed off. As she left I tried to explain it wasn't me it was my tongue, but it came out "OH YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!" I couldn't believe my tongue could do that to me. From then on, whenever a pretty lady walked by there was the constant drooling, whistling, and panting. It was embarrassing.
Worst of all was the way my tongue would just lay around in my mouth all day. Just sitting there staring at the back of my teeth, like a bum. I would try to form words when speaking to someone but my tongue refused to move.

Then of course, there was his alcohol problem. It got ugly.

Well, a couple weeks ago I wake up and my tongue was passed out in my head, from his Spring Break in Cancun. That's when I saw it. A long, metal barbell was sticking through a fresh, fleshy hole in MY cranium.

My tongue went and got itself pierced.

That was the last straw. So I found Doctor Barry on the internet, where all of life's answers are found. He specializes in procedures done in the back of his gutted ice cream truck, which eliminates the whole driving to the hospital problem. I asked Doctor Barry where he got my new tongue from, and he said "First of all, don't call me doctor, and second, where's the cash?" Ha Ha, that Barry.
I think my new tongue came from a religious, Mexican woman because since my surgery, I've been waking up in the middle of the night screaming, "EL DIABLO ESTA EN MI! EL DIABLO ESTA EN MI!" And I never knew how to speak Spanish before.

But even better news, I sold my old, crappy tongue for $50!

Gracious Craigslist-o!

Inappropriate Golden Book Auction Art

2008-04-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

I painted these for an art auction coming up at work. I've been drawing on the computer a lot recently, like robots do, so I went actual media for these, like cavemen do. I broke out my dried-up Bob Ross paints, and mixed them with the tears from a litter of orphaned kittens, (it makes the colors very vibrant) and applied the tear-paint with my brushes made of angelhair (not the pasta, actual angel hair). But that painting didn't turn out right, so I used gouache instead.

My brilliant wife had the idea to incorporate the infamous design of the Golden Book spine onto the mat of the pieces. Here's some close-ups of the mats.

My Future Visit

2008-04-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been just a little crazy. I'm trying to play catch-up with my email and taxes and stuff because I've been gone for 17 years. I have this rare condition that kicks in whenever I bump my head like on a cabinet door, or when I lie down for a nap and sleep past 5pm, or when I put on someone else's prescription glasses. The scientist that does tests on me thinks that the electrons in my brain rapidly change from one energy state to another in a single continuous jump and my subconscious randomly stops somewhere along my cerebral timeline. So without getting too technical...It's easy for me to accidentally time travel. It's really annoying. Especially when I keep going back to the 80s. Ugh, it's awful.
This time I was playing with my little niece who hit me on the head with a plastic sand shovel. I fell straight back, landing hard on the Gymboree coloring table, my eyes rolled back into my skull, then it was bye bye 2008, hello year 5065 A.A. (After Apocalypse). It's rare that I fall into the future so this was kinda interesting.

SPOILER WARNING! If you don't want to hear about what happens in the future, read no further.

Scroll Down.....

The future is kinda boring. It's not like in the movies. The future has newer, shinier stuff, but everything is mostly the same as it is now. The HoverCars still run on gas, PoliceBots occasionally brutally beat the innocents, and our Earth's master commander and Supreme leader, Kurlan 5, is still at war with Iraq. I was pleased to see however that Blu-rays are still the preferred, popular format for home viewing of movies. Yes!
So I pretty much just walked around for a while, then got bored. So I decided to come back to 2008. In order to travel through time again, I have to befriend someone without telling them who I am, and help them through a problem that teaches them a life lesson. It's exactly the plot of Quantum Leap. Don't ask why, that's just how it works. So I helped free some enslaved Mercurian children and taught them about the gift of sharing, and I jumped back to 1991.
I was tired of helping people so i just decided to relive 17 years of my live again. I knew what was going to happen anyway, so it was a cakewalk. And now I've finally caught back up to where i was before.

Time to spank my niece. This plastic shovel should do the trick.

And More Inappropriate Golden Books

2008-03-26T00:07:00.001-07:00

a LOST letter

2008-03-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

Dear LOST,

Hey. It's me...How are you? It's been a while. Well....you look good. I mean things seem to be going well for you. I mean your ratings continue to be really good...your really doing well for yourself, and that makes me happy, because you know I always wanted you to be happy, so....yeah. That's great, just great.
Look I know this is a tad awkward but um,... things were left a little unclear and I just wanted to explain. You see,...I'm just going to say it,...

I've been seeing other shows.

A good friend set me up with the entire series of The Wire on dvd, and we've been spending a lot of time together. A lot of emotionally satisfying hours. I'm not saying this to try and hurt you, you know that. You and I spent days together watching both your first two seasons on dvd and I really liked you...in fact, I guess I almost loved you. But you turned a corner in your third season, I felt like you were stringing me along....

I felt... lost.

I needed to know where you saw us going together, but every week all you kept giving me was more questions....and it pushed us apart. I needed answers.
I turned to other shows for fulfillment that I'm not proud of. American Gladiators, Top Chef, Jon and Kate plus 8. Gawd...it sickens me. Don't think of me as a tv whore. I'm not. I just missed you so much. Then I saw The Wire. We were together for five seasons. I still love The Wire, but it's over between us....because the series is over. But more importantly, it wasn't you.
I have to admit, my wife has still been watching you every week, and when she tells me you are on, I scoff at how "ridiculous" you are, and how "your writers are pulling your story outta their butt". But as I sit there pretending to read my magazine, I watch you from the corner of my eye...and then a tear forms in it. I want to see you again.

I want back on the island.

If you'll take me back I'll be waiting in front of my tv on Thursday at 9pm. If something else is on, I'll understand.

Just know that Oceanic Flight 815 is not lost...it has crashed onto the lonely island, that is my heart.

The Last Unicorn on Earth

2008-03-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

AFTERWORKS 3 IS COMING!

Here's the first 2 pages from my graphically- novelcated story ( comic ) that will be in AfterWorks 3, due out in the fall. My story is completely dialogue-less, except one page that is all dialogue.

More Inappropriate Golden Books

2008-03-10T23:08:00.001-07:00

Don't worry, I'm making a real book of these for the next APE (alternative press expo). Your kids will love'em.

2008-02-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

The other day I was checking my email and got quite a nice surprise. I was in my backyard at 10pm,on my laptop "borrowing" my neighbor's wireless internet connection, when I saw that I had an unusually high number of new emails. 3 new emails, sweet! . Had I won some sort of contest? Was an ex-girlfriend desperately trying to reconnect with me via the interweb? Did I send myself an email from the future? Not this time. As it turns out, I'm not the only one that reads my blog. I have fans, that decided to send me mail....or "fan mail" if you will. And so I have decided to post and reply to the fanmail I have received on my blog.

The first email is from Jomney Rickdster, from Brasil, Arkansas.

Hi there Cooley,
This is Jomney I see your blog often do you draw your artworks too, i want to draw artwork like a artist sometimes. What is your favorite artwork? Yes? Maybe next time we talk, we can talk about me visiting you at your house. I will stay for two days ONLY. Please send your cash for bus ticket to me quickly. there's not much time left.

your friend, don't disappoint,
Jomney Rickdster

-Hi Jomney,

Thank you for the kind words that never seemed to end because you have no idea what punctuation means and when to use it. Seriously dude. Have you ever typed on a keyboard before? I'm pretty sure your own name is a misspelling. You need to put down the "artworks" pencil, and pick up an English book. And to answer your question, no, you will not be visiting me OR staying at my house. And you will be receiving NO cash. But seriously, thanks for visiting my blog, your the best.

The second email is from BUGGGGG8469362794ghcw80c@harddrivecrack.com

Mr. Cooley,

wirufgh98rhg098h345ouhg083h0g8h5308hgou5hgo;ah3;g08h35gh;aih5g;oiehg;a895;g80ha;58hg;0a8h5g;8a3h5g08h3a5g8005g8h0;358hg;h;8hoiuhgjgheorthgoehg085hg0385hguh5uhfoghzer8gh0ehgo345uhgo5uihg85gh0;85hgo5uhgouhg0385hg0385hg08h50g8h;5hgou5hgjr.gjh.od8uert8ojetbgj;eoiu;oe8hrtg;8he;gi8h;ehng;ethg;oehtgo;uehguhe.tlubne.tbn.euthoethgoeuhg;oehtgo;e.ljethg

- Hi BUGGGGG8469362794ghcw80c@harddrivecrack.com,

Thanks for the email. I'm not exactly sure what this email is about, it looks like you passed out onto your keyboard. But I'm sure you meant to compliment me on my blog and blogging abilities. Thank you for being such a loyal reader an........Hmmm...folders on my desktop are disappearing, that's weird.

The final email is from Jian mcmuster, from Chusterlan, Minnesota.

Mr. Cooley,

Tired of being lonely? What to be sex giant? Why not impress her with a new instrument? Muscular manhood can be all yours. The best in Ultimate Pleasure awaits you! CLICK HERE!

- Thanks Jian for the email. And thanks for being such a loyal blog reader. However, I already have an instrument. I play the pipe organ, and the ladies ARE impressed by that.

More mailbag coming soon! ........but don't get your hopes up.

Frankenberry!

2008-02-26T23:16:00.000-08:00

Another Painting Potluck

Conversation with a Canadian

2008-02-25T12:59:00.001-08:00

Professor Cooley- Welcome to "Conversations with Canadians", I'm your (American) moderator, Professor Cooley. This is Part 12 of our 43 part series. Today our guest from the North is Canadian, Nick Sung. Welcome Nick.

Nick Sung (Canadian)- Hiya Josh, it's a pleasure to be here; really. In this interview, and in America!

Professor- So........why are you here? Are you a Canadian draft dodger?

Nick Sung (Canadian)- No, I'm a draft beer dodger, Ha Ha.

Professor- Just answer the question, Canuck.

Nick Sung (Canadian)- Um....okay,... I'm here because I enjoy higher gas prices and paying for health care.

Professor- Interesting, very interesting. When you came into the States, or America, did you have any fruit with you?

Nick Sung (Canadian)- No, just a loaded gun under the passenger seat. But I enjoy an occasional nectarine.

Professor- So...why do people live in Canada... I mean, except for all the people in the Witness Protection Program?

Nick Sung (Canadian)- Canada really is a great place to live, and for so many reasons--a bright, liberal, democratic society, rich multiculturalism, a economy on the upswing. Former Governor General and Liason to the Queen Adrienne Clarkson once said, "Lookit how much wheat we've got; wheat." So I like to think about that. Wheat.

Professor- Besides maple syrup and Pamela Anderson, what are some of Canada's other exports?

Nick Sung (Canadian)- Canada's economy is actually the eighth largest in the world. Naturally we're a rich provider of naturally resources, petroleum and lumber, nickel, uranium, diamonds and lead, but you might be surprised to know that Canada also produces a large number of motorized geese.

Professor- That Pam Anderson! If I played hockey with her, I'd give HER a body check! AH HAHAHAHAHAHA! Do you get it?

Nick Sung (Canadian)- Yes... yes

Professor- Speaking of hockey, what's up with that?

Nick Sung (Canadian)- It's a sport.

Professor- Indeed,...Now that you've escaped from Northern Mexico, is there anything you'd like to say to the rest of the Canadians stuck living in Canada?

Nick Sung (Canadian)- I'd say: I got out, Celine got out, Owen Hart got out, and he won the belt--and you can do it too.

Professor- Lady Liberty is a tempting mistress, isn't she. Well Nick from Canada, thank you for spending your time here today on the internet, addressing real questions with real answers. I just hope that some day, both our countries will be able to come to an understanding, and stop hating each other. That's my dream.

Nick Sung (Canadian)- Yes... n-yes.

Professor- Thank you Nick,......Hey doesn't Canada look like it's a hat sitting on America's head? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Nick Sung (Canadian)- Thank you.

Unlike my imaginary friends, Nick is one of my real ones. He is way too talented for his own good, and a real good sport. He is my favorite Canadian (besides Pamela). Check out his beautiful work at....

NICK SUNG AWESOME BLOG