Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This post was written before a live, studio audience.

Seriously. I'm trying something a little different this time. I redesigned my living room to look like a sound stage, and filled it with a random 150 lucky studio audience members who are sitting here right now watching me type this. (There's video prove that I'm not lying below, just wait) Why are they so lucky? Well... everyone in the audience AND everyone on the internet reading this blog post will receive....

MY FAVORITE THINGS!!!




Alright, settle down, settle down... y'all is excited, ain't you! Well, you should be. I don't like to brag about how good a person I am, but if you ask anyone about me (besides the people that hate me) they would say that I'm a giver...an extremely generous, sexy giver. And it's true. I give so much, that I make nuns envious...which is a sin. That's how good of a person I am. But I can't help it.
If 'giving' is a disease, than I've got 2-3 months left to live, and you ALL are in my will.
So let's do it. You are each going to receive my favorite things that I can't live without. First up...take a look at this.... A white, polycarbonate plastic SPORK!




I know what you're thinking..."how can I afford to give away so many sporks?" Well, I use to spend a lot of time eating at Taco Bell, eating in prison mess halls, and eating Hungry-Man dinners at home...alone. And I've collected them from all of my meals...for you. So throw out all your useless metal forks and spoons, and enjoy a taste of soup and a bite of lasagna from the same utensil!

So here's a question for y'all....who wants some OXYGEN!!!!!!





Now I have been inhaling oxygen since I was a baby, and believe me when I say...this is some good stuff, right here. I love it. And you are ALL going home with a mason jar full of only the finest. A perfect gift for the person who has everything.

Next, everyone reach under your seats where there is a pair of glasses for you to put on so you can enjoy....some 3D BARBECUE CHICKEN!!





Everyone loves barbecue chicken and now you can FINALLY enjoy it in 3 dimensions! This state-of-the-art entree dinner by Sony can be enjoyed by the entire family, because 3D makes EVERYTHING better. And of course, every 3D Barbecue chicken comes with a 3D side of CORN!!!





And for my final favorite thing, y'all know how much I love people, right? I got a small person living at my house that I made and it's just so awesome to get to name something. So everyone today is going home...with A HUMAN CHILD!!!





You are welcome.

9 comments:

-Kp- said...

This is the funniest thing I have read in my life.

Kenney said...

Imabe the happiest boy in the world. Aside from Pinocchio, who isn't really a real boy, so it don't count.

Daniel said...

Best post ever.

Carrie Liao said...

But can you offer these gifts...TAX-FREE (especially those human child-things...I hear they get pricey)?

Chaitanya Limaye said...

I have never laughed so much reading a blog post I think. You are a freakin good story-teller and I can see the economy [you dint draw(or give like you claim) a single drawing for this post]

Michael Mercer said...

I approve.

word verification: pewatio
meaning: a beautiful patio.

chelsea said...

Sooooooooooooooooo Funny!!!

XenoChron said...

You be smokin' some dope! Very funny. Can't tell if I like the oxygen bit or the human child bit better. I'll try and resist the urge to steal some of the lines. (well, at least until they are forgotten and peoples need remindin')

XenoChron said...

You be smokin' some dope! Very funny. Can't tell if I like the oxygen bit or the human child bit better. I'll try and resist the urge to steal some of the lines. (well, at least until they are forgotten and peoples need remindin')