Monday, October 25, 2010
Did you see 'The Inception'? I did. Like 8 times. Not by choice, I was accidentally locked in a movie theater after I ran inside to evade these bully middle school kids that chase me home everyday after work. But that's a whole different story.
The real question is : Did you know The Inception is real?
Now, I'm a sane person. I've never been institutionalized. I've never been on any type of medication. So it's safe to believe me and accept it as fact when I say that major corporations have been trying to infiltrate my dreams and steal my thoughts/secrets for years. Which major corporations you ask? Ever hear of Morgan Stanley? Colgate? McGraw-Hill? Revlon? National Football League? Phillip Morris International? J-Crew? to name a few. I am on constant alert 34 hours a day/ 19 days a week for dream thieves hired by corporations trying to crack my cerebral brain parts. How do I prevent this from happening?
Just like in the Inception, I have a totem. Every morning when I wake up, I reach under my pillow and grab my totem: a .44 Magnum handgun. I fire it 6 times into the ceiling. The above neighbors don't like it and my wife prefers the alarm clock for waking, but if broken plaster falls in my face I know it's real. But if I fire my gun and bubbles or a rainbow shoots out, I know I'm still dreaming and the Weight Watchers corporation may be trying to steal my secret recipe for Mac and Cheese. (the secret is using Mountain Dew instead of Milk)
But the other day I fell asleep while watching The Inception on a plane. Bad idea, of course, because for some reason "The Man" won't let me bring my totem onto a commercial flight. What is this?! Russia?!!
Here's what happened:
I fell asleep watching The Inception.
I dreamt I was watching 'El Encepcion' (the spanish language version), and then fell asleep again...in my dream. A dream within a dream.
In my second dream level, I was in a cage-match fight to the death with Bob's Big Boy.
He body slammed me which knocked me into dream level 3, where I was forced to go to my high school prom again, with a Victoria's Secret model who had the head of ALF.
The possibility of maybe getting some action at my prom (FINALLY!), made me light headed and I passed out, knocking my head on the gym floor, which brought me down into my version of LIMBO...where I've been spending the last 50 years in my mind, back at my worst job ever. Behind the counter at a video rental store, renting soft-core porn to creepy dads.
So if you see a guy with a goatee asleep on a plane, it's probably me. Please hit me very hard in the face with all your might. That should be a strong enough kick to bring me out of limbo, back up through the dream levels and back to reality. After I awaken, I may act a little startled, but all you have to say is "I brought you back" and I'll understand. I will give you a big hug and a monetary reward.