Friday, August 13, 2010
Happy Shark Week?....
...more like "Happy End of Humanity." I couldn't believe that the other day, someone actually muttered those words at me... "Here's your ticket, next time keep it under 50 while in a school zone....and Happy Shark Week."
PFfft. Shark Week. Are you friggin' kiddin' me?!
Who's idea was it to throw a week long celebration for the ocean's number one terrorist?! We only celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King for a single day, and he NEVER bit anyone's legs off. The fact that we acknowledge the shark by wasting valuable television viewing hours is a sin. Think about it...sharks have never been associated with anything good...
Jumping the shark
Bad Trapper Keeper Art
The San Jose Sharks
Bottom line is sharks need to go. NOW. They are godless, killing machines that enjoy chewing off the limbs of the best kind of women we have: the ones in bikinis.
BP has the right idea. How much more oil do we need to dump into the ocean to kill these bastards?
I know what you're thinking. "Wow, Mr. Cooley. You really hate sharks. I think maybe you are afraid of sharks..." Your damn right, I am. And you should be too. Sharks are fast, they have 5 billion rows of killing teeth, and they love blood. Human blood. That's the kind inside us. And they'll use all their teeth to get to it. Here's some other facts about sharks that should terrify you...
- Sharks never sleep
- Sharks can see almost 360 degrees, and into your soul
- After a shark kills you, it will steal your identity, charging all your credit cards and ruining your credit score
- Sharks are better at playing pool than you think
- "Jaws" was a documentary
- Oh yeah, and now apparently, sharks can FLY! OUT OF WATER! IN THE AIR!
The second I saw that Planet Earth video of that massive shark getting a 50 foot vertical and bringing down a helicopter, I sped over to my old junior high school and punched my science teacher in the face. Why wasn't I warned about this?? SHARKS ARE FLYING, PEOPLE!!! THIS IS NOT OKAY!!
How long until they just leap out of the oceans and into our homes, feasting on everyone inside?!!
Answer: Soon...and we are running out of time. These water terminators are evolving way too quickly. What's next for the flying shark? Legs? Yes. Washboard abs? Definitely. Two tickets to the gun show?
We are screwed.