Friday, August 13, 2010

Happy Shark Week?....



...more like "Happy End of Humanity." I couldn't believe that the other day, someone actually muttered those words at me... "Here's your ticket, next time keep it under 50 while in a school zone....and Happy Shark Week."

PFfft. Shark Week. Are you friggin' kiddin' me?!

Who's idea was it to throw a week long celebration for the ocean's number one terrorist?! We only celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King for a single day, and he NEVER bit anyone's legs off. The fact that we acknowledge the shark by wasting valuable television viewing hours is a sin. Think about it...sharks have never been associated with anything good...

Jumping the shark


Bad Trapper Keeper Art


The San Jose Sharks


Great White


Shark Tale


Bottom line is sharks need to go. NOW. They are godless, killing machines that enjoy chewing off the limbs of the best kind of women we have: the ones in bikinis.


BP has the right idea. How much more oil do we need to dump into the ocean to kill these bastards?

I know what you're thinking. "Wow, Mr. Cooley. You really hate sharks. I think maybe you are afraid of sharks..." Your damn right, I am. And you should be too. Sharks are fast, they have 5 billion rows of killing teeth, and they love blood. Human blood. That's the kind inside us. And they'll use all their teeth to get to it. Here's some other facts about sharks that should terrify you...
- Sharks never sleep
- Sharks can see almost 360 degrees, and into your soul
- After a shark kills you, it will steal your identity, charging all your credit cards and ruining your credit score
- Sharks are better at playing pool than you think
- "Jaws" was a documentary
- Oh yeah, and now apparently, sharks can FLY! OUT OF WATER! IN THE AIR!



The second I saw that Planet Earth video of that massive shark getting a 50 foot vertical and bringing down a helicopter, I sped over to my old junior high school and punched my science teacher in the face. Why wasn't I warned about this?? SHARKS ARE FLYING, PEOPLE!!! THIS IS NOT OKAY!!
How long until they just leap out of the oceans and into our homes, feasting on everyone inside?!!


Answer: Soon...and we are running out of time. These water terminators are evolving way too quickly. What's next for the flying shark? Legs? Yes. Washboard abs? Definitely. Two tickets to the gun show?

We are screwed.

15 comments:

Wally said...

haha,
how bout this one:
http://www.google.be/imgres?imgurl=http://www.filehurricane.com/viewerthumbnails/529200840229PM_ball_pit.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.filehurricane.com/media/1934&usg=__lGsowlTRQDH82VSO2yYGRB_J6qI=&h=395&w=494&sz=35&hl=nl&start=0&sig2=aUf4AeU2JjQMTE5SMgcOeQ&tbnid=9zjMj4lzHb6ueM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=159&ei=DXZmTIb3GoKoONb_8LkF&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddemotivational%2Bposters%2Bshark%26um%3D1%26hl%3Dnl%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:nl:official%26biw%3D1916%26bih%3D894%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=1344&vpy=345&dur=202&hovh=128&hovw=160&tx=139&ty=91&oei=DXZmTIb3GoKoONb_8LkF&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=33&ved=1t:429,r:30,s:0

cheers from Belgium!

Morgan said...

This post just made my weekend, thank you.

And don't forget they killed Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea!

Gad said...

and you forgot about loan sharks

Carrie Miller said...

AWESOME. Jaws ruined my life at the age of 10, I'm totally with you on this!

J.Ro said...

People said my investment in private laboratories that develop giant octopi was "foolish" or "stupid."

Guess who's laughing now!
*blorble blorble*

Álex said...

God, this is one of the funniest or the creepiest posts ever.

wallysketch said...

Just found out hammerheadsharks eat nails..

Atlantean said...

I salute you sir, for you are HILARIOUS!

Keep it up!

Chris Gallipoli said...

PPPSSSSTTTTHAHAHAHAH, Thanks i just paid 50cents for that milk that is now all over my desk...

Cassie Wallender said...

Epic win.

Ben Newman said...

ha! the house with the shark in the roof is just around the corner from me....

Nicki said...

I am so in love with this post.

Amaroo said...

Excuse me, but sharks are nothing compared to the vicious and dark nature of puppies and kittens.

Sharp teeth, fluffy tails and huge hungry eyes, that follow you around the room... at all times!

Just think about it... what is going on while you sleep... I mean, really?!

glebeboi said...

Dont forget the Card sharks or the Loan sharks

Dancing Man said...

Hilarious!