Sunday, February 28, 2010

Deconstructing Hostess

When I'm not lifting heavy weights over my head, or washing my boat in my driveway, or doing the dew...I like to complete other manly tasks. Like read my old comic books from when I was a kid. I have all the greatest superheroes adventures at my fingertips... Captain America (meets Mr. T), The adventures of Jimmy Olsen, Jughead and friends... the list goes on.
But there's one thing I HATE about my comics...the Hostess ads. Sure, the ads LOOK like more comics, and that's how they get you. Your reading about IronMan stopping a bankrobber and he gets the idea to use...TWINKIES!??? WHAAAA?? AH crap, it's an advertisement! Well these things suck and here's my proof. Your honor, may I present to the world wide court, exhibit A....

Okay....let's take this one panel at a time.

"Yes, what a lovely view, Peter. This is the most romantic brick wall I've ever stared at. It's so bricky!"
If Peter doesn't score with this blank slate tonight, then he's hopeless.

Whoa! A random act of....kinda...violence on Peter. I'm surprised they didn't steal his lunchmoney first. BUT THEN this cupcake ad takes a heavy turn...they grab Peter's dreamgirl promising to sexually assault her!....romantically.

Maybe now's not the time to worry about your identity, Peter. Your dreamgirl is being carried into the bushes.

WHAA!??? Cupcakes?? YOU ARE SPIDERMAN. You could distract them with cupcakes...OR YOU COULD DO SOMETHING AWESOME INSTEAD!!! You weren't bitten by a radioactive pastry!!!
( And why did you bring so many cupcakes in your picnic basket? That's way too many cupcakes for two people. Were you anticipating this?)

Holy crap, it worked. Apparantly, there's now TWO ways to stop a rapist. Mace, and cupcakes.

Wait...Spiderman made a webbed hottub for them to sit in while enjoying their sugary treats?? Why??

Congrats Peter! From your dreamgirl's point of view, you were in no way a part of this scenario, yet she still wants to make sweet, sweet love to you. Looks like Hostess just made your dreams come true....somehow.


Erik Benson said...

One time the twinkie cowboy tried to romantically assault me, so I stuck him with a shiv until he stopped. Good times.

Howard Shum said...


George Cwirko-Godycki said...

these ads always perplexed me, your blog is hillarious, and you draw good

Dan Scanlon said...

This was the story line for Spider man 4, and that's why it got re-vamped. Hollywood is to afraid to tackle an adult pastry/rape theme.

Caveat Production said...

This was the story line for Spider man 4, and that's why it got re-vamped. Hollywood is to afraid to tackle an adult pastry/rape theme.

Ian Thal said...

Clearly, you miss the point.

This is Peter's dream girl.

Everything you view as a nonsensical plot hole is really insight into the subconscious of Peter Parker: his frustrated desires for sexual rewards in return for his good deeds, his need for walls, his inability to eat all the junk-food he wants in order to keep his acrobatic physique.

Get it? Peter Parker is dreaming!

Bob Canada said...

Why does Spider-Man keep calling her by her first AND last name? When's the last time you addressed one of your friends that way? Seems a bit formal, even on a first date.

And who the heck is Lisa Skye anyway? I don't remember her from any of the comics. Did they run some contest where the winner got to appear in an ad?

Unknown said...

I remember a similar ad where superman has to defeat a really small alien who is stealing gold. His solution: distract him with golden Hostess patties. Like, really, Supes? The dude's frikkin tiny and has a lame slow fling saucer thing with no weapons. Why don't you just punch him and take the gold back instead of buying five hundred pastries? yeah, that's right - he actually BUYS the patties.

Ian Thal said...

David, do you expect Supes to steal the pastries? We're talking Superman here.

This is clearly Earth-H from before the Crisis on Infinite Earths.