Thursday, March 26, 2009

I was in a magazine store the other day with a group of my friends. It was one of those hole in the wall places with magazines on every topic imaginable, piled to the ceiling. My Canadian/ vegetarian friend Nick Sung sarcastically handed me a magazine and said "Here. This one's perfect for you." It was a magazine all about Meat.

I love meat. I've always loved it. I grew up in a farming town, and while other young boys were busy stealing apples and getting chased out of Mr. McGregor's apple orchards, my brother and I were busy stealing and killing Mr. McGregor's cows with a homemade cattle prod we created out of a car battery, jumper cables, and a retractable swimming pool skimmer....you know, kid stuff.

I was thumbing through the magazine, and it was great because it had all these amazing pictures of meat. Meat on a cutting board, meat on the grill, a guy chewing a piece of meat, meat on a plate...the list goes on and on. I was salivating and I couldn't put the magazine down. Then it hit me. I was looking at food porn. I couldn't have any of this meat. I couldn't taste it. And some of the photos HAD to have been touched up....no meat can look THAT delicious. At that moment I was hit with a stray 'brillance bullet' from an 'idea uzi' during a 'knowledge drive-by'. And this came to me...

Carnivore Quarterly, the meat magazine.

I know what your thinking. 'I already subscribe to a meat magazine, why should I bother reading yours?' Well first of all, you snob, my meat magazine has great articles about meat, amazing photos of meats, interviews with meat experts, etc. But what really sets us apart from the other meat magazine hacks? Imagine this. Your thumbing through Carnivore Quarterly and you see a mouth-watering recipe for a Honey-baked Ham. Well all you'd have to do is rip that page out and push it into your face-hole because every page of Carnivore Quarterly is made of thinly sliced deli meats for your consumption. What about the ink? Wouldn't that be bad to consume, you ask? Not when we print our magazine with 100% colored barbacue sauce. I mocked up the first issue, and with any luck Carnivore Quarterly will be coming to all refrigerated newstands in your area.


2 comments:

Daniel Chong said...

I'm really excited about the meat comics. I really hope it MEATS me expectations. Meat.

Emma said...

You truly are my brother. Meat is in our blood!