Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My favorite vegetable

I have a problem.

I don't smoke, don't do drugs, I'm not high on life...... I have a bigger problem. Like those penguins that instinctually march thousands of miles every year for penguin sex, every October 1st I instinctually march literally hundreds of feet to the nearest Rite-Aid. Why? Because that is the exact day that Rite-Aid stocks their seasonal shelves with Brach's Big Bag 22 oz, made with real honey, America's #1 Candy Corn.

I know what your thinking. Your saying to yourself, "Sure, I like candy corn too, what's the big deal about it, stupid?" Well, first of all, was calling me 'stupid' really necessary? That was kinda harsh. And second, You don't understand my problem.

I'm like a crackhead for Candy Corn.

Every Fall I try to avoid those nasty, little tri-colored, high fructose syrup triangles of temptation. But then my grandma puts out a tiny bowl of them on her family room table, and I say to myself, "I'll just have a small handful." Next thing I know, I'm wielding my grandma's knitting needles, threatening to 'cut' her, if she doesn't hand over the rest of the bag. I'm sick.
The worst part is that after eating maybe 3 pieces, I'm sick to my stomach....but I keep eating them. In fact, I have eaten half a bag so far while writing this. My heart feels like it's working twice as hard to pump my blood that has the consistency of Elmer's glue. Candy corn is killing me. They are disgusting. But I can't stop. I need them in my stomach. It tastes like I'm slowly eating a candle, one bite at a time. But the's so...sugary. And the Titanium Dioxide Color Yellow's so....yellowy.
But luckily, as quickly as the urge to splurge on candy corn arrives....come the stroke of midnight from Oct 31st to Nov 1st, it's gone. And I don't want to even LOOk at--......kkf397bviorvbj3judc asubv ksfvfskbn vskfuvkubn unvt3ubnvo3vojnfvojjsf

Whoa. Sorry about that. I just passed out onto my keyboard for like 3 hours, and I woke up in my neighbor's front yard, Halloween decorations. I think I need to take a long look at my life...after I get back from Rite-Aid.


domenic said...

...and the sad part is, they are seasonal. For some reason candy corn only ripens in the autumn. There are a few delirious months and then an empty unendurable waste until the next year.

Mike Wood said...

Did you know that Gregor Johann Mendel (July 20, 1822 – January 6, 1884) invented Candy Corn by cross-pollinating Maize plants with Sugar and Evil?

They have groups for this sort of disease, Josh. And that's what it is - a disease! You can start by weening yourself onto Smarties.

We're all here for you. This blog post was your first step toward recovery. You're brave, Josh. So very brave.

JeremySaliba said...

i personally think you're sick in the head. i would rather eat dog food than put one single piece of that horrible excuse for candy in my mouth.

flaviano said...

you are one of the funniest artist i ever read! this blog is great, i had big laugh. and you draw in a fantastic way!
can we have more singles superheroes strips?

Lucas Ferreyra said...

When I Grow up, I want to write like you do.