Wednesday, October 22, 2008
My favorite vegetable
I have a problem.
I don't smoke, don't do drugs, I'm not high on life...... I have a bigger problem. Like those penguins that instinctually march thousands of miles every year for penguin sex, every October 1st I instinctually march literally hundreds of feet to the nearest Rite-Aid. Why? Because that is the exact day that Rite-Aid stocks their seasonal shelves with Brach's Big Bag 22 oz, made with real honey, America's #1 Candy Corn.
I know what your thinking. Your saying to yourself, "Sure, I like candy corn too, what's the big deal about it, stupid?" Well, first of all, was calling me 'stupid' really necessary? That was kinda harsh. And second, You don't understand my problem.
I'm like a crackhead for Candy Corn.
Every Fall I try to avoid those nasty, little tri-colored, high fructose syrup triangles of temptation. But then my grandma puts out a tiny bowl of them on her family room table, and I say to myself, "I'll just have a small handful." Next thing I know, I'm wielding my grandma's knitting needles, threatening to 'cut' her, if she doesn't hand over the rest of the bag. I'm sick.
The worst part is that after eating maybe 3 pieces, I'm sick to my stomach....but I keep eating them. In fact, I have eaten half a bag so far while writing this. My heart feels like it's working twice as hard to pump my blood that has the consistency of Elmer's glue. Candy corn is killing me. They are disgusting. But I can't stop. I need them in my stomach. It tastes like I'm slowly eating a candle, one bite at a time. But the sugar....it's so...sugary. And the Titanium Dioxide Color Yellow 6....it's so....yellowy.
But luckily, as quickly as the urge to splurge on candy corn arrives....come the stroke of midnight from Oct 31st to Nov 1st, it's gone. And I don't want to even LOOk at--......kkf397bviorvbj3judc asubv ksfvfskbn vskfuvkubn unvt3ubnvo3vojnfvojjsf
Whoa. Sorry about that. I just passed out onto my keyboard for like 3 hours, and I woke up in my neighbor's front yard, Halloween decorations. I think I need to take a long look at my life...after I get back from Rite-Aid.