Saturday, May 24, 2008

Dear Indy, ...

(Warning: this letter from Sallah to Indiana Jones contains spoliers about the movie 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Do not read if you would rather have the movie spoil Indiana Jones for you.)

Greetings, my friend! It is I, your good friend and comrade, Sallah speaking. It has been many years, 19 to be exact, since our last adventure, and how I have missed you so, my friend. I have been keeping abreast of your many travels, and most recently have viewed your latest adventures in your quest for the crystal skull and it's kingdom.
I am grateful for your safe return, my friend, and I thank you...THANK YOU from the depths of my heart for not including me in your latest adventure. We once ventured across many lands, risking life and limb to seek the most covetted of artifacts. Discovering the vessel that is the resting place for the Ten Commandments, the Ark of the Covenant....and years later finding the goblet which Jesus drank from at the Last Supper, the Holy Grail. Those were quite exciting times, with meaningful consequences if those artifacts were to fall in the wrong hands. Exciting times, indeed. Surely 19 years later, if you were to embark on another quest it must outweigh or match the importance of these previous finds. Which is why I am quite perplexed, Indy.

I must ask you, my friend.....

A FREAKIN' CRYSTAL SKULL!!??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!!! IS THAT THE BEST YOU COULD DO??? How about a MacGuffin that actually MEANS something?! Or better yet, a MacGuffin that isn't the size of a watermelon, so you could actually CARRY it?? But I guess that isn't a problem since you have 5, that's right 5 SIDEKICKS to do all the work for you!! All you have to do is stand there commenting on previous adventures and remembering dead characters by staring at photos of them that look like they were taken from screenshots of the previous movies! Why not call it Indiana Jones and the Stroll down Memory Lane. Ahh yes...there's Brodie, and your Dad, and your whip...that you only used TWICE in 2 hours! Where was the Indy that actually made things happen...the Indy with a CHARACTER? All you did was give me expositional backstory for half the movie, then the other half you just kept asking an old guy what to do next! I would have rather eaten some of those bad dates from that evil, Nazi monkey. And speaking of monkeys....since when do monkeys randomly attack Russians. And what's with the prairie dogs, really? And a nuclear blast? That scene wasn't neccessary or entertaining at all. And for God's sake....ALIENS????!!! WHA-- WHO-- HOW-- WHA--!!!

Much apologies, my friend. I have much emotions over this matter, and much confusion as well. We live in two differents worlds you and I. I reside in the world of good Indiana Jones adventures...and you reside over there, on the other side of that shark that you jumped over, on the back of a motorcycle with your Fonz look-alike son.

So Thank you again, my friend, for not including me on your alien adventure, and leave me out as well for your Quest for the Happiest Leprechaun, or your Expedition for Unicorn Island. When your next adventure is Indiana Jones and the Better Screenplay, contact me.
I still have my job reminding people to wear thier safety restraints while in the Temple of the Forbidden Eye.

Your grateful friend, Sallah


Caveat Production said...

Very well said. I'm morning the old Indy movies as we speak, by looking at a black and white photo of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" on my desk.

Doug Cox said...

I can't even find the strength to make jokes about that movie. I hurt. Inside. I hurt. Maybe someday I will find the strength to laugh again at bad movies. But this one... this one will take some time. How much do you think it would cost to find the guy that played short round and have him tear apart the movie but in that cute poorly spoken english dialect? It would be a huge YouTube hit. I'm doin it.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

How can folks be THIS disappointed? Sure the adventure was different, but you don't want the same formula, do you? And have you seen AI, The Terminal, and War of the Worlds?
Was there peril? No. Did we care for Indy and his son? No. Was Marion a total wimp? Quite.
But the crystal skull was a cool artifact, and the "knowledge is treasure" theme was neat, and Indy-related. And Harrison Ford is still a pretty badass archaeologist.
It wasn't an awful film, and for present-day Spielberg I'd call it par for course.

JeremySaliba said...

wow, i might have to agree with munchanka- spielberg hasnt really hit one out of the park since, what.....saving private ryan? he's still got some good directing chops, better than most- but he aint what he used to be.

Josh Cooley said...

I would have to agree with myself. I agree with all the points I made on my blog. At first I wasn't sure, but then when I remembered that I wrote them, I totally agreed. Kudos to myself.

And the crystal skull was not a cool artifact. It was stupid. Indiana Jones would agree with me, and myself.

Matt and Jessica said...

Cooley, How I still love you. Even if I chased you while you were in a bunny suit, or beat you up in kung fu movies, I still love you. I am also a doctor now, so I can supply you with all the prescription drugs that you so crave, and must have been on when you wrote this post. (Dear DEA: I would never prescribe any prescription meds to Josh Cooley, even under threat of bodily harm or injury).

A-T-G said...

Ouch. That movie was painful. Is it a good sign when you walk out of it? Seriously...I left. I realized just before the movie started that I had to run back to a restaurant to retrieve a lost object. The place was too far to get back to the film, so I opted to stay. At some point during the film, I suddenly realized I was wasting my time sitting in the dark weeping and could better use those precious moments to do something else.

J said...

I agree with you agreeing with yourself. Indy was total driftwood in the movie, bobbing along wherever the hand of Koepp and Lucas willed him to go, with almost no active participation in the story whatever.

There are moments in it, where I was embarrassed to be in theatre.

James Baker said...

Unlike many others, I was initially excited about the area-51, roswell, alien, angle... space-aliens plus archeology isn't as weird of a stretch if you were into CHARIOTS OF THE GODS as much as I was when I was 11 years old. In fact, when I heard that the movie was going to be set in the late 1950s I wondered if they were going to do that... So I was looking forward to the film when I saw the clues that they were going in that direction. but boy oh boy, what a cock-up they made of it all....

In the original Raiders, Indie was shown to be one of the more human action heroes; when he is punched we feel every blow. He is not invincible, he gets knocked on his ass, time and time again, and we know he feels pain. He also shows fear, not just of SNAKES but of other things too. He was heroic and yet not bullet proof. that was one of the things I liked about the character.

And yet in this movie, here he is at the age of 65, Stronger than he was before and no sign of any aging... Instead, if anything, they make him more invincible at the age of 65 than he was at the age of 40. Trading relentless body blows with men less than half his age.

In LAST CRUSADE, Henry Jones senior brought down a NAZI warplane with a thoughtful popping open of his umbrella... I wish that 65 year old INDIE had learned to adapt to his old age in a similar way... that was a real missed opportunity.

PLUS, what was up with what my 8 year old nephew called "those special effect prarie dogs" ?


Roland Hulme said...

I laughed so hard at that, I think I wet myself a little.

samacleod said...

Awesome post.

Jeff Pidgeon said...

How can folks be THIS disappointed?

I wasn't. I'm not a fan of the screenwriter, and I haven't liked much that's come out of Lucasfilm for a really long time.

Sure the adventure was different, but you don't want the same formula, do you?

For me, that was the problem - after about the first thirty minutes, it was the same formula - but with poor execution.

I liked the idea of throwing Indy into the 1950s - others doubting his patriotism, losing his job at the college - but most of that change disappeared once we arrived in Peru.

I had a lot of misgivings about the Macguffin, and the actual film did little to assuage them. It didn't upset me as much as the Star Wars prequels did, but it aged really badly after leaving the theater.

for present-day Spielberg I'd call it par for the course.

Wow! I've been frustrated with a lot of Spielberg's films lately, but I thought Munich was really good, and War of the Worlds really grabbed me by the throat until the farmhouse.

This was a whole different thing altogether, at least. Even A.I. had more craft, enthusiasm, and a sense of risk.

Anyway, really funny stuff, Josh (as always)!

Jeff Pidgeon said...

This was a whole different thing altogether, for me at least. Even A.I. had more craft, enthusiasm, and a sense of risk.

(What I meant to say at the end there)