Monday, May 12, 2008
The CastIron Gentleman - Talkie Film Review
Written by Samuals D. Stutenberger, May 12 1923.
Well fellow readers, I wouldn't be feeding you a line or slinging hooey, if I announced to you that now my lookin' balls have seen EVERYTHING. I took in a motion picture the other night that was simply a sight to be seen. It was an assault on my senses, and would you believe it, it had sound AND color! I am of course speaking about the adventures of the Chap made of Iron. "Poposterous" you say? "A fly-boy made of solid Steel? Hah! Tell it to Sweeney!" No, I ain't splifficated, I know my onions! This Ironclad fella is the Real McCoy.
Me and my girl were getting fried on the giggle water last Friday night and decided to take in some flickering celluloid at the local petting pantry. As the lights went down, my cuddling Jane sidled over into prime necking territory. As I caressed the doll, I thought to myself..."Now your on the Trolley, ol boy! You sure are the Sugar Daddy, Samuals! Attaboy!"
But then the film started cranking. I piped down as the screen came to full blown life with explosions, fire, sound from all angles! My dame wanted to sit pretty in my arms, but my eyes were glued to the silver screen. This CastIron Gentleman could stop any caper from happening using only his iron and know how. Never in my years have I ever seen anything like it! Not even Chaplin could perform the feats of this Iron Fella! I kicked the bearcat outta my arms and told the bird to beat it. I knew I could collect the cash on that chassis anytime I wanted, CastIron Chap was the cat's whiskers right now...and How!
I stayed in the theatre through all four reels and after it was over, I tried to hide so I could catch the next showing, until the establishment bimbo gave me the bum's rush.
Now I ain't usually one to beat my gums about a particular moving picture, but make sure to stamp all ten toes down to the picture house and view the adventures of this magnificent Iron Gentleman. It hits on all sixes!
Samuals D. Stutengerber (above) is a time traveling motion picture celluloid reviewer for the Daily Mirror.