Sunday, April 27, 2008

Earth Day Essay Contest!

In honor of Earth Day 2008, we here at Cooley! are holding an Earth Day Essay Contest. All entrants essays should be about conserving Mother Earth. This contest is open to ages 5 to 105 and the essay must be 800 words or less. The first place winner will recieve an awesome earth day prize and will have their essay posted here on Cooley! for the rest of the world to read. Good Luck!

Congrats to Arton Wigbaldt from Wiltenburrow, Nebraska! His carefully constructed Mother Earth essay brought a tear to our eye and love to our hearts. Thanks to all who entered.

Arton Wigbaldt with his first place prize. A recycled computer setup.

Why Earth can bite me
by Arton Wigbaldt

Are you freaking kidding me? I gotta pay extra at the supermarket now for plastic bags because they take like 5 years to decompose in our landfills? I've had enough. I already waste enough time attempting to sort garbagey crap from recycable crap, but I'm not even gonna do that anymore. I'm sick of rooting through the trash like a freaking raccoon. I stopped going outside during the day because I couldn't take two steps without someone telling me to go "green". Well, I'll tell YOU where to go! If I hear that again, I'm gonna recycle my karate fists into your stupid, "green" face until it turns RED! you dumb idiot.
It's people like you enviornment jerks that make me hate Earth. Oh no, the globe is warming up??? Good!!! I hope it melts the icebergs and your hippie abodes fill with water! While you're drying out your birkenstocks, I'll be eating a rare venison steak while driving my mom's boyfriend's S.U.V. recklessly through a natural preserve, without a muffler! Knowing you earth-lovers get mad is why I now love to litter. What has Earth done for me anyhow? Nothing. I didn't choose to live here. The day my mom squeezed me out, this place was already a dump. Living on this planet is like permanently living in a crappy apartment in the worst part of town that I'll NEVER get the deposit back on, and somehow it's my fault. And the horrible bitch of a landlord that won't let me leave is Mother Earth. Well you can bite me, Mother Earth. Bite me.


JeremySaliba said...

what- my essay didn't even get an honorable mention? pfffft, COOLEY! isn't as COOL -EY! as it thinks it is.

yeah- that one was all me. totally thought it up on the fly. BOOYAH.

Doug Cox said...

There is no way he wrote that. He has a ghost writer!

Anonymous said...

Oh poor Arton! Why all this hate? My soul shutters! Does not young Arton know that Mother Earth is the only place life exists! That he perpetuates that which he hates with his hate! As blessed Thoreau said, "It is never too late to give up your prejudices." Please Arton, for our sake give up those prejudices! And shame on you Mr. Cooly for exposing them!

Leaves of Grass

Josh Cooley said...

You have some good points there. It's brave people like you that aren't afraid to express themselves in a public forum that will make a difference on this earth, dont you agree anonymous?
however Arton also lives on this planet alongside us and also deserves to have his opinion heard however stupid it is. That's what makes the Internet, the Internet.
And truth be told, his essay was the only one we recieved, so he won by default.

Thank you for your response. And if i were you, and your name really is "leaves of grass", I would punch my parents in the face.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Cooly Cool I am a soldier of happiness! Oh I am brave! Brave indeed, to face a world full of people such as yourself! The devil has gotten you, sir! I prey for your soul!

Leaves of Grass

John S. said...

Leaves of Grass preys on souls!!! Proof that hippies are in league with Lucifer!!!